Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

“expose his daughter to this young boy's violence on her special day” is an emotive way of framing this..."
He would be exposing his daughter to the young boy's violence on a day that was special to her though, no?

I honestly don't understand many of the posts suggesting he should be invited.

My sister was once in an abusive relationship. He never hit her but he threw keys right near her head, and was controlling.

They live in the same area still. She actively avoids social situations where she might run into him. She is not afraid he will abuse her in public. But she hates being around him because he's been violent in the past. It's stressful and brings back bad memories.

No one would would dream of saying she should invite him to her birthday, after all, he's part of the same social circle, he'll feel left out.

Why are little girls worth less? Why would you teach your daughter that her job is to plan her own birthday, which is a big deal for children, around another child, and hey, we'll keep a close eye on him and hope he doesn't hit you, eh?

Why would you do that?

What thread are you reading?

id text

hi

I could see at XYZ party your ds got extremely overwhelmed and he didn't enjoy himself. Rather than put pressure on you for yet another party, I thought it best to leave it this time for my dads birthday party. I realise it's so difficult, perhaps things will settle down with your ds in time and then he might enjoy the parties etc. I didn't want you to think I hadn't noticed the challenges you were under.

The girl's needs should, for those few hours, trump the boy's needs. I'd argue that they should always trump this boy's needs.

I have two daughters, and didn't protect one of them from a similar boy's behaviour when she was 7. It crushes me to this day that I prioritised his feelings over hers and I will never, ever forgive myself for what happened.

This father has the moral, ethical and legal right to prioritise his daughter. He is not excluding the boy because of his autism; he is excluding him because he is dangerous.

My DD who is now grown up still talks about how she was upset that the music had to be turned off at one of her parties because one of her classmates was having a meltdown over it. She felt that her wishes were overridden because one person didn’t want it when she was the birthday girl and she should have had what she wanted at her party. I regret that decision now that I didn’t put her first.
If a guest does not like what the party is like then they shouldn’t attend and shouldn’t expect special allowances at the detriment of other guests.

Your message was absolutely horrible- and Im saying it as a mum of ASD children who also cant cope. Out of all the possible options and good advice people gave you, this was the worst, but hey, I guess you wanted to do this from the very begiining and showed your true colours; you probably feel super good about yourself right now.

My son went to a special school. There was a pupil there that was found in possession of a knife whilst in school. Did the staff of that special school excuse him because he was ND? No! He was permanently excluded. So were they discriminating against him for his disability? No, it was a health and safety matter.

@tomWh , I wouldn't call her.
Your daughter is your priority. Fullstop.
Calling her opens unnecessary discussion etc.

I don't understand people twisting themselves into pretzels to be considered as not being unkind. What about your own DD, doesn't she deserve kindness?

Speaking as a Mum with SEN kid and SEN nephews and nieces. Any responsible mum would not force their child into such situations they struggle with. I can't have my child going to people's occasions and ruining them.

Big mistake stating your gender OP, the misandry here is rife.

He stayed?

It’s not a matter of not liking the boy though. It’s a matter that he is physically violent towards him. So yes, I would exclude a colleague if they were physically violent towards me or any of my friends. I don’t see why that is difficult to understand.

If they had hit me and other colleagues, trashed the office and spat at people then yes I would absolutely would exclude them!

“expose his daughter to this young boy's violence on her special day” is an emotive way of framing this, but it assumes the two things are mutually exclusive.

Nobody is suggesting that the birthday child should have an unpleasant or unsafe party. The question is why the autistic child is being treated as the problem to be removed, rather than asking whether there is a way for both children's needs to be accommodated.

And I really don't understand the argument that exclusion teaches coping skills. If a child is repeatedly told you can't come because you can't cope, what exactly are they being given the opportunity to practise?

Violence is absolutely not OK.

I’ve been in accidents at work and in a car. I’ve fallen and hit my head. You get hurt and it messes up your MH.

It’s not ok to be on the receiving end of it. As adults if someone acts aggressively to us we can call the police and defend ourselves.

Fancy being a child in a class or at a party and you know that you might at any second be in for a pounding. That’s just not right.

But, reading what happened at the last party, does it really sound to you like the mother has given her child “appropriate support and boundaries”?

He should have messaged the mum so she understands. Some parents would not have messaged.

Children have been pushed together under the name of inclusion. Sometime it works but when it doesn’t it is horrible. A girl was bitten in our toilets by another child who struggles. It was worded as being her fault for being out there and not being in class. We’re teaching our children aggression is ok and most probably they could have done more to avoid it. Now you want them to invite aggressive children into their safe place at the expense of their needs? Luckily it’s not your call.

Those are all opportunities, yes. But why should an autistic child's opportunities to participate in ordinary childhood social experiences be restricted to settings specifically designed around their difficulties?

Children don't compartmentalise social learning quite so neatly. Learning to cope in a structured environment is useful; so is learning to navigate the messy, unpredictable social situations that other children routinely experience.

Obviously there are situations that genuinely aren't manageable for a particular child. I'm questioning the assumption that an ordinary birthday party should automatically be one of them simply because the child is autistic. It is morally wrong to me to have an all class but 1 party; it's mean and ableist.

No, you can't exciude 1. Or you shouldn't.

These are the most very basic of social skills. For example if at work if you have 20 colleagues, you get on well with all except one. If you had a social do would you really exclude only 1? I'd hope not but then reading many of these posts you possibly would. Maybe fire off a helpful 'you're not invited cos we don't like you but I'll bring some cake in for you next week' message too?

Yes, by actually giving children opportunities to practice coping, with appropriate support and boundaries. “You're excluded because you haven't learned to cope” isn't much of a learning opportunity, is it?

Even if that DCs behaviour ruins the party for everyone else? Including the girl whose birthday it is?
And you think other children, who would enjoy said party, should miss out, to somehow make it “fair”?

That poster is a d**k, you've kept your child from being scared on their birthday.

It sounds like the mum in this case needs to learn some coping strategies. It is wholly unacceptable to take your child to a party and watch them hurt the other children and do next to nothing about it. I appreciate she may be in a really tough situation herself but she did not have to accept the invitation if she knew she'd likely struggle to manage his behaviour alone.

The OP's child has the absolute right to have her birthday party without fear of being hit or having her things broken.

This. We didn’t invite a perennially disruptive child to DS’s otherwise whole-class parties. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate that he faced considerable challenges and feel for his parents, but as they didn’t pull him out when he started trashing party venues, I wasn’t prepared to invite him.

Oh and as for messaging the parent

Many parents have approached me about DD2's behaviour.

Without exception they have been polite and clear:

"I need to let you know DD2 hit someone"

"Is that your little girl? I think she may be having trouble coping"

"I'm sorry but we cannot have DD2 over for a few weeks as her behaviour is hard to manage"

I say thank you and make her apologise. I don't whine that they should have gone through the school. I have an actual grown-up conversation and say, yes, she can be like that, of course it's not okay, thanks for letting me know.

Messaging another parent is fine. It takes a village and all that.