Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

Ok but reading it all, I think op wanted pp to say, no to inviting the boy anyway. That's my perception anyway.

I think that's a good message, fair and clear and not dissing the child.

you can think that x or y course of action is best but still want to ask others or another if they have any other approaches. The OP made clear that that was why he was posting

I agree.

Not to mention that part of the issue is the lack of supervision.

My son had ASD. He used to get invited to parties and could misbehave when overwhelmed. So when invited, I would say to the parents that he would come, but if he became overwhelmed or badly behaved, then we would leave immediately without fuss.
my son was also aware that if he misbehaved, we would leave immediately. He got angry with a child once and swore at them and presented himself to my mum who had taken him and told her she needed to take him home!

Well, that will teach me to read the ops post in its entirety 🙄
Don't know why they posted anyway, seems they had their mind made up beforehand 🙄

Well obviously - I said my older boy loved parties. But the exclusion is the consequence of his behaviour. His mum isn’t supporting him adequately and doing him a disservice. This will continue and get worse if she doesn’t deal with it now.

That is true. But if their behaviour is such that they are excluded because of it? That has to be explained to them, surely? Or, as PP said, how will they ever learn?

But why any playdate at all? This boy is violent towards her. Do you really think it is a good message to teach a young girl that she should invite violent boys home and 'be kind'? Like I said, bonkers.

Good decision. And I agree with the message format - it gives her time to process instead of protest. The best case scenario, she can now pretend claim that "after Max's she wouldn't have take him anyway".

All those "you can't ommit one child" - that depends on the reason.
I really hate how easily many suggest "girls only" - so because of one boy the birthday girl can't have her friends who happened to be boys there? It's just so wrong.

It very much depends on the child. Many autistic children do enjoy parties and would feel an exclusion very keenly.

Too late unfortunately.

I didn’t want that to sound sanctimonious - I was rushing - (posting whilst cooking) but I notice it a lot. A good friend with an autistic son was telling me how it breaks her heart to see her son away from crowds at school or parties.

He clearly prefers that. He’s ver sweet and knows me well but is entirely uninterested in other people. We (as NT people) don’t get it but that’s fine. She had an elaborate party for him that he was entirely uninterested in and just wanted to go home. She wanted him not to miss out. He would’ve preferred 2 hours on the train.

Just don't invite him. Autism or not, if you don't want someone at a party, don't invite them.

Perfect, I would go with this, op

I agree that you have done the right thing here and the message was a good idea.
Your priority is your child, her birthday and giving her a lovely party.
You are not obliged to invite a violent child who you know will become over stimulated and ruin it. Part of what is wrong with children, parenting and life lessons these days is that everyone expects everyone to be treated the same. It isn’t always possible or the right thing to do.
Everyone will enjoy the party and I am sure all the other children will be happy as well. Might be mean to point that out, but it’s true.

I think you’ve done the right thing in sending the message Op.

That’s very interesting, thank you.
(I was thinking of a different situation: other posters had indicated their child would probably like to attend but would make things less enjoyable for other children, so they don’t accept.)

Is your daughter incredibly popular or can she be a bit selective with her invitations. If she can not invite the whole class then it won't look like you are excluding him. If she must invite everyone but him and the mother asks why, do not say autism but explain some of the specifc behaviours you have described here, hitting, throwing, screaming. She can't ignore its happening and if she can't control him it's only going to get worse. I do wonder of he even wants to go to parties or is she making him go. My brother is autistic and though his behaviour was not on this scale he rarely wanted to go to parties anyway. He flatly refused to attend my 16th, wasn't invited to my 18th and when i held a small moving out bbq when I left home, my mum had to bribe him to leave his room and join in.

Yes,I take your point, thank you.

Obviously with the M and under supervision.

Just to address your second point, this ‘missing out’ narrative is often driven by the parents: many ND children like completely different things to NT kids and the rapid acceptance of this would be to everyone’s advantage.

My (ASD) boys like different things. Older loved parties and friends and is very sociable - lots of parties hosted and attended. My younger? Would rather play with a weighted helium balloon (which he did on his last birthday for 6 hours). He’s not left out - he likes different things and if I pushed him to parties etc it would be for me.

I wouldnt have sent a message but I also wouldn’t have invited the boy. While I can empathise with how difficult it must be for his mum and how it might upset him not to be invited, a birthday party for my child is something that my child should get to enjoy. That means being able to invite whoever they want with a reasonable expectation that they’ll have fun. They shouldn’t have to limit who they can have to avoid upsetting someone else and they shouldn’t have to accept the likelihood of their party being ruined by another child’s behaviour.

I can see why this child might be difficult at parties, and why a 7YO might not want them there, but to exclude one child is pretty cruel.

Could DD invite 10 kids from the class and make the rest up out of relatives/ kids from extra curricular etc?

If we take autism off the table - if your DD was being bullied by 1 child, you wouldnt expect her to invite him to the party. She doesn't like him, he's been hitting her - so he shouldn't be there anyway. It's that simple really!

You simply cant invite him. I dont think he will be aware by the sound of it so dont beat yourself up.