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Original poster

Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

461 replies

tomWh · Yesterday 13:39

Hello

I am a single dad with a 6 (almost 7) year-old daughter, and I am currently organizing her birthday party, a traditional party with a bouncy castle, inflatables etc.

The plan was for a whole class party, but I am very worried about one little boy who has autism. It sounds harsh, but he ruins every child's birthday he gets invited to the latest one was only a few weeks ago. He caused chaos and, honestly, the day was spoiled as he ended up upsetting a lot of the other children. He screamed around the whole place, demanding the music be stopped as he couldn't cope with it. He threw toys at people (breaking some of them), he hit other children and had a massive meltdown when the cake started to be cut as he wanted it to be whole, and when given a slice of cake, he proceeded to launch it across the room whilst also kicking one of the food tables, sending some of it flying

The parents of the birthday boy were understandably annoyed that the day was being ruined and the mother of the boy causing the issues doesn't deal with it very well. .Now to be fair, I can't imagine how difficult her daily life is dealing with this behavior, but she just has the belief that, as he has autism, we should be accepting of his issues and let it be, and she is very vocal that he should never be left out of something simply because he has auitms she will try and gently ask him to stop the behavior and when things get really bad she will try and hold him in one place for a moment, but that's pretty much it

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions and I can't see the point of spending all this money on a birthday party just for him to have a chance to spoil yet another party, but I also don't think its fair not to throw my daughter a party because of one child now I will be printing off the invitations today ready to handed out on Monday and I don't what to do as excluding him seems cruel, but I don't see him behaving at my daughter's party any different than he has all the others, and I'm dreading another party full of injured crying and scared kids.

What would you do? Any advice on approaching the mum would also be appreciated, but I would say she's not all that open about discussing her son and just believes he should be at everything no matter the chaos it causes.

OP posts:
Outnumberedagain · Yesterday 13:53

You could be describing my autistic child (though hope as parents we manage this better) - we wouldn't want to put him in situations where he becomes this disregulated, so would prefer he wasn't at whole class party where he would struggle like you've described.

Don't invite him.

SockPlant · Yesterday 13:52

Call the mum. Explain that he can come if she is on him like glue and at the first sign of anything you will ask them both to leave.

Be firm. Tell her the last party was ruined and you don't want that for your DDs party, but that you also want to give him a chance to learn how to behave in social situations. Be kind. Be clear. Be very firm.

Original poster
tomWh · Yesterday 13:52

Hearts4Chesney · Yesterday 13:41

I have autism myself OP, but I do sympathize with you.

Can you make it a girls only party?

Not sure if the quote button is how I directly respond? I couldn't see a reply button, my daughter's best friend at school is a little boy so although a girls only party would solve the issue I know she would be sad.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · Yesterday 13:52

Well surely it's easy
Scrap the plan of a whole class party and only invite her closer friends

ChestnutSquash · Yesterday 13:52

I agree with pp, the only way to get round this would be to make it just the girls, or, limit it to 10 (or similar small number) children and make it clear on the invitation that the numbers have had to be limited. Whole class parties tend to stop happening once you get past nursery and reception and 30 children in one place is hard work.
It is sad for the child in this scenario, but his mother is not helping. Also, a big noisy crowd of kids is obviously distressing for him.

Hadenough32 · Yesterday 13:50

Daria32 · Yesterday 13:43

You can’t exclude one child from a whole class party. Either invite him or just invite the girls

I don't understand why people think this. If the kid isn't excluded then he and his mum will never learn. He needs to behave more acceptably at social events or not get invited.

autumncrisp · Yesterday 13:50

My son is an adult now but has asd. While he was never violent he couldn't cope with bouncy castle parties. So as a responsible parent I wouldn't take him to them. For his sake and for others. I wish people would stop with the narrative that everyone has to just deal with these behaviours. They don't! It's not fun for anyone including the ND child.

If someone insists on taking their child to any event, asd or not and they start kicking off they should remove them and leave. It's clear they're over stimulated. That goes for any child tbh.

In an ideal world it's best he doesn't go so I can see why you don't want to invite him. The parents are the problem here.

You do what you have to do. Your daughter is the priority. People don't like to hear this but it's a hill I will die on. And this is coming from a mother of 2 nurodiverse children, with a family full of ND people.

Parents need to learn what's appropriate in these circumstances.

TheJoyousHiker · Yesterday 13:49

You can’t leave one child out, so invite half the class or just the girls. If you invite the whole class and the little boy becomes overwhelmed and causes ructions, be prepared to say to his parents that perhaps he might like to sit inside for a while and watch tv/play with some toys or he might be more comfortable if they brought him home as he’s clearly overwhelmed and stressed.

Hadenough32 · Yesterday 13:48

I disagree I'm a mother of an adopted child with some quite severe behavioural issues..I decline party invites. He doesn't cope it's that simple. I also don't think it's fair for one kid to ruin anything whatever their additional need is. Just don't invite him. Let the mum know if she asks that you think he doesn't cope. If my son asks why I've not taken him to parties I point out the way he has previously behaved at them. That's his learning curve. It should not be at the expense of the other kids.

Daria32 · Yesterday 13:43

You can’t exclude one child from a whole class party. Either invite him or just invite the girls

Hearts4Chesney · Yesterday 13:41

I have autism myself OP, but I do sympathize with you.

Can you make it a girls only party?