Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

OP, you say that this little boy has been “extremely violent to my daughter on several occasions”. Would you even consider inviting someone who had been extremely violent to you on several occasions to your birthday celebration?

This party is for your DD, and she needs to feel safe and happy at her own birthday party. It is great that you are trying to consider this little boy, but previous experience has shown you that his parent does not intervene when necessary, and that the result is an unhappy time for everyone else. As PP have said, meltdowns and overwhelm might be able to be managed, but the chance of this is vanishingly small if the child’s parent is not already making an attempt to do this.

I would be prioritising my DD in this situation.

A responsible parent would not put their child into an environment where they were so dysregulated that they responded in the way you’ve explained.
i would either invite a smaller group or speak/ message the parent. as hard as it will be to be upfront with the parent I would say something like ‘Hi parent, we’re having a birthday party for X. There will be bouncy castle, music, party games etc. I was there at Y’s birthday last week and saw that Z was upset by quite a few of the things. I understand that his needs make these things difficult to manage, however this is my daughter’s party, and we won’t be turning off the music or doing Y. I want the day to be about her. So you might want to consider if this will be suitable for your son. if you do bring him, and he’s finding it difficult we would respectfully ask you to take him somewhere where he can regulate so that it does not disrupt the party’

I would just not invite him. Why should all the other children, who would've otherwise been invited to a whole class party, miss out because of this one boy?

i think you need to foremost think of your daughter - and she needs to know you have her interests first rather an thinking of someone else over her needs at an event for her (hope that makes sense).

I can see what people are saying about telling the parent they have to watch him - but I still think that you would spend the party worrying - and possibly other parents too that had children who were affected last time.

I would suggest maybe writing a note to the parent or texting them / speak in the playground - and say you just wanted to explain that you have seen he was not comfortable in the last party and did not want to put him in a situation that would make him uncomfortable or any other children attending. That you would love him to celebrate her birthday with a party bag and cake either a day before or after the party. And do do that - so he isn’t excluded from celebrating completely but not having the sensory overload of a soft play / bouncy castle / noisy party.

My son went to a party where he was one of two boys invited. It was the girls in their class, her best friend who is a boy and then my son so her friend had one other boy along. Worked out fine so just so that. At 7 a lot of parties will invite half the class or so as things like trampoline or bowling becomes more popular and there is a limit on numbers

I would not invite the autistic boy. He may be sad and his mother might cause a fuss but your child's happiness is your priority at her birthday party. Put her first and let her have the party she wants with the people she wants.

No-one has the right to attend if they are going to disrupt it and cause hurt and upset, even if they are disabled. The boy may not be able to help it but his mother needs to deal with his behaviour and the consequencesof it, he is not your responsibility.

I have autism as does my son so I do understand how difficult it is from both sides. My son didn't want someone that was mean to him to be invited to his all class party. I did not want to exclude a child with SEN but one child is going to be upset whatever and better it was the disruptive child and not the birthday boy.

Absolutely this. Others shouldn't miss out due to this boys behaviour either. Someone in my family used to do this too. It ruined every single event. Simply explain to his mother that he can't cope and therefore can't come to the party. End of.

Then ask her to pick 10 of her friends and explain that there are limited spaces.

Quite likely, but I thought OP was asking here because he couldn't discuss it with DD's mother.

Is it a standard class of 30ish? If so then just invite half of the class. If it's a smaller class then it gets trickier but even then, I would absolutely not be inviting him to ruin the party.

Just invite her friends. Get her to choose. I’ve never done a whole class party.

I have an autistic child.

Would I invite him? No. Please remember that yes whilst being autistic can result in meltdowns and shutdowns, it does not excuse poor behaviour. The child's parent needs to be dealing with it promptly. If they have been seen dealing with the child, then I would invite. But ignoring it or giving a "he's autistic" excuse is poor. Ringing the mum isn't going to help either.

Has your daughter got friends outside of school so it isn't a whole class party?

I think this is a good call. Speak to the mum.

Come at it from an angle of you wouldn't want him to become distressed like he was at Anna's party.
X

We had similar last year at DSs birthday party and it was very difficult @tomWh!

We did invite the child and the mum turned up herself with the invited child plus an older sibling that we didn’t know he had who was also autistic. The mum was clearly extremely overwhelmed being in that situation as both boys really struggled and kept taking off in different directions. She must have approached me around 10 times over the course of a 2 hour party asking for various changes to me made for her boys - lock the fire doors and entrance, have someone stand guard at the toilet door, block of the access to the stage as her children kept wanting to go on it, not to sing happy birthday 🫠

I ended up feeling awful because a lot of the requests I obviously couldn’t accommodate! And then I felt guilty for even sending the invite - maybe she felt like she had to accept?!
When it came to her DSs birthday she threw a big and very very busy soft play party which was equally as chaotic.

As you said, I cannot imagine how difficult things must be for their family day to day, but if I’m honest, I won’t be inviting them again unless DS specifically requests it.

I would struggle with leaving one child out though. I would say half the class or less is acceptable.

Invite a mix of girls and boys. Say you can only have certain numbers. Do not invite the boy.

I'd probably invite them but be prepared to pull the mum to the side at the party and ask them to leave if he started to kick off. You dont need to be rude, but you'd need to be firm.

"Cassie, would it be better for you to take Spencer home now? Hes just kicked Abbie and pulled Sam's top. I can see he is struggling with the music and chaos - but unfortunately it's souring the atmosphere for everyone. I've got a party bag here for Spencer to take."

If she starts to create a fuss, just say "with respect Cassie, I've got a house full of children - if you want to talk about this later, you can message me."

Well you’ve got good advice here, no-one is saying just invite him and to hell with the consequences. I hope your DD has a super party.

Nah this advice of asking them to leave won't work and you'll still spend the party panicking. Imagine when the kid plays up and the mum pretends she doesn't see it and then you've got to ask her to leave. The kid will refuse to leave and the mum won't march him out. Will still be the same end result.

Didn’t see your message as I was typing mine. This exactly, upfront.

I have a child with autism and understand how hard it can be - mine heavily masks so is rarely an issue in these situations but has friends who experience dysregulation at parties etc.

If you want to address it head on, I would send a message to this effect:

‘I know parties can be overwhelming and chaotic - at the last party, I noticed he got really overwhelmed, which led to a difficult situation for him and the other kids enjoying the party. I want to make sure he feels safe and supported this time and that the party can go ahead as planned without significant disruption. Can we do something together to help him have a good time - would it help if we set up a quiet space or maybe had him come for just a specific part of the party?’

Completely understandable if you don’t want to make adjustments (if not, invite half the class or less so you’re not specifically leaving him out).

You are overthinking this. If you don't want this child-or any child-at your daughter's party, you are not obliged to invite him.

I wouldn’t invite him but I would explain to the mum before giving out the invitations that you have seen that he becomes overwhelmed so will do him a party bag instead.

I have a now adult dc with Asd and parties were a nightmare for all involved so we learned to either only stay for a short period or not go at all.