Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

give over, we have countless threads from "single mums" and no one raises an eyebrow.

I am not sure why you have an issue with single dads, but your post was unnecessary. Why are you trying to start a fight

He's not being excluded because he has a disability. He is being excluded because he hurts others, including and most importantly the birthday girl. He is being excluded because his Mum doesn't manage his behaviour.
I don't agree that others should also be excluded to soften the blow, because that is unfair and unkind to the other children.

It's brief and clear. No tweaking the words would make it any less hurtful.

From her point of view though, I think I'd rather wonder if he was the only child excluded from the party (again) than have it rammed down my throat that he is being explicitly excluded.

You absolutely can not invite a child who has been violent towards your daughter. She should not have to fear that at her birthday party. She shouldn’t have to compromise the guest list to spare his or his mother’s feelings.

Depends on whether hes absolutely going to kick off. If theres a chance he can behave then he gets to enjoy the party?

Regardless of any ASD or previous history - I think any parent has the right to politely ask any child to leave their home if they're behaving so terribly.

Your message was inappropriate.
You'll have many more social events to navigate with kids, use tact and diplomacy. That does not include giving parents reasons for exclusions.

Just have half the class plus friends from out of school?

Well you aren't saying that though! You haven't mentioned the violence. Does she even know he hits her??

You are saying he struggles to make it sound like you feel sorry for his sound overstimulation. That's not the case.

I don’t know whether I’d actually do this myself - I guess it depends on the parents and how I think they might respond - but to be proactive about it I guess you could speak to his mother privately. “I just want to give you a heads up about what to expect at the party because I know Sonny has ASD and sometimes struggles at parties so I wondered whether I could anything to accommodate his needs a bit better?”

If the conversation continues positively, it’s a chance to (1) genuinely make adjustments that may help him (2) reiterate to her what the environment will he like and ask, do you think he’d be ok/ happy to come?. I think you’d have to be genuinely happy to make some adjustments but also need to be clear, eg there will be music and he won’t be allowed to control it himself but I can have music off for party games to give a bit of a break or maximum volume of x, or whatever.

before hitting send on this I realised a few other PP with a similar suggestion. So it’s a cross post I suppose but also another vote for this proactive and clear approach. Good luck

I’ll never forget when my dd was at nursery she got invited to her classmate’s birthday party and I get his mum just wanted to do something nice for him and make him feel like any other child but he had severe autism and on the day he was sat in the middle of the floor rocking with his hands over his ears clearly in distress. I felt so sorry for him and her as she just wanted him to have a lovely time.

You don't have to explain it to her though. She knows.

You can’t exclude one child out of a whole class because he has a disability. Well you can, but it would be fucking awful cunty behaviour.

Honestly she’s going to be upset either way so if sending the message makes you feel a bit better about it because you’ve at least explained it then I would go for it.

It is a difficult one but this is your daughter’s party and she deserves to have a nice time. It’s very sad for the parent of this other boy, but that’s not your daughter’s job to make better.

Ah man, this is such a struggle and kudos on you to approach it so directly and kindly. I think it’s always best to man up to the decision and let the mum know it advance rather than just not inviting and staying quiet, that could be even more hurtful.

It’s your girl’s party and that’s what matters. I am a major people pleaser and would probably offer to have them over for a 1-1 play date too, but then again that is probably not you want either.

You've made it clear he has behavioural issues. I don't think one person has suggested you invite him.
Just don't make him the only exclusion.

Agreed.

OP you really don't need to ring her, message her, or anything else. It's inappropriate and will be more hurtful!

This mum clearly knows that her kid struggles. Ringing up to point out the obvious and tell her that her kid is excluded is not going to go down well.

Just invite fewer children and make it so he's not the only one excluded.

I wouldn't send this as you are overstepping the mark to imply that you are in a position to determine what he struggles with and what he doesn't struggle with. You are not his parent. You dont understand his disability.

The violence towards your daughter is the reason he is not invited. Her comfort is your priority.

If you must send her a message

"I have decided not to invite Charlie as he sometimes hits Ellie and I dont want her having this fear on her birthday."

How about inviting all the girls plus the boy who is your DD's best friend plus one other boy (so that the boy who is the best friend doesn't feel the odd one out)?

Do not send that. Who do you think you are?

Your priority is your daughter’s happiness. I simply wouldn’t invite him. It’s not your job to manage this boy or his mums feelings about not being included. He has been violent towards your daughter and that’s not acceptable so why would you consider including him. Have your reasons ready if you are challenged. I wouldn’t send the message in advance.

Absolutely do not ring her. How inappropriate.

As others have said just invite a few kids not all of them. Obviously tbh.