Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

I hope she has a lovely party, OP. Unfortunately this is one of those really awkward situations where you either sacrifice your own child’s happiness (and it sounds like safety too if he exhibits some violent behaviour) or upset another child and parent. Hopefully his mum will be able to explain it away to him and he won’t be aware he hasn’t been invited, just that he can’t make it.

I do think sometimes parents are do desperate for their child to have a ‘normal’ childhood experience that they end up setting them up for failure. I remember going to a party where the child in question had autism and quite a high level of needs, and his mum decided to play pass the parcel. I don’t even like playing that generally at parties tbh as someone always ends up upset but when it came to his turn to pass it on he got absolutely hysterical, started shrieking and hitting and had to be removed, at his own party. I saw it unfolding from miles away. But his mum was so desperate for him to have a ‘normal’ experience, even though it was horrible for him, horrible for her, etc. I totally understand why she did it, and it’s the same reason that this child’s mother probably brings him to parties even though it sounds like it’s way too much for him.

OP i think you have handled this well and i hope you’re daughter has a brilliant party.

I think the issue with framing your message as you're not inviting him '...after seeing how much he struggled at Max's birthday a few weeks ago' is that it gives his mum the chance to say 'he won't struggle' or 'I'll support him'.

Your issue isn't the boy's struggles (which the mum can dispute/say she'll manage better on the day), it's your daughter's fear and discomfort around this boy (which the mum can't dispute or manage).

I'd have a response ready centred around your daughter's comfort, rather than her son's behaviour.

Soo half of the class have to miss out due to unacceptable behaviour of a child who has a parent who lacks the good sense to keep him away?

How cruel you are. What does that teach the well-behaved children? Sod all apart from to hate the child with SEN who causes problems with no personal repercussions.

I bet you (and the others who feel the same) are the kind of people who agree with keeping whole classes in due to one little shit who is out of control.

on a different note, why aren't parents demanding to school that they handle things properly. No child should be victim of violence at school!

too late now

but frankly I disagree with the message. Any "heads up" are patronising at best, and people had bad experience in the best but the mum did nothing. You already know where she stands.

All she will do is not go on social media or start ranting to other people (who will secretly agree with you!)

Oh well too late!

I’ve been there! I felt bad leaving 1 kid out, so I forced my child to tell me who their friends actually were, so several ended up not invited and the only kids who were invited were their actual friends (not just kids they get along with but have no actual friendship with).

Sorry, just caught up with the thread.
Horrible message you sent to the mother, poor woman.

My kids are older now, but parties where the whole class were invited were never a thing back then. IMO it’s really difficult to practically manage 30 kids ages 6/7 safely - as well as escorting to toilets etc. Would you consider bucking the trend and letting your daughter choose about just ten friends?
I’m assuming parents won’t be staying for the party, so you could ask the parent of the child with autism if she can stay as you know her child finds parties ‘difficult’ if not…?

My son is autistic and didn’t cope well at parties, I watched him like a hawk, he wore his ear defenders and every single time we’d leave after a few minutes (my decision as as I didn’t want him to escalate too far, for himself, me and the other families sakes!)

Can you WhatsApp the boys mum “hi, I’m starting to plan X birthday party and wanted to message you before I send invites out. I noticed at Y’s party he really struggled to cope with the noise etc and I’ve been trying to think of ways to help Johnny cope better at X’s party. Can you let me know if there’s anything we can do to help support him? Does he have ear defenders to help him with the noise? My daughter really wants to invite the whole class, but I’m very aware Johnny finds it very difficult. I can send you details of the plan in advance if it helps you prepare Johnny?”

If you offer to try to support him, there might be simple adjustments you can make that includes him and help him cope better. Equally sending a supportive message to mum might help her open up and either ask for help or might make her think about leaving early or not going at all.

Whilst I don’t think you should invite him please don’t send that message. It’s awful as is offering party scraps.

if you really really must send something I would send
”I wanted to let you know ahead of time that I can’t invite Charlie to Ella’s party this year. After what happened at X’s party I want to avoid the same happening at Ella’s. I appreciate why it is hard for Charlie and am happy to talk about it in person if you would like to.”

It’s not warm and fuzzy but it is honest.

Yea this might be also a good idea, to ask if there’s anything to make it a bit better for him. If she mentions things you can’t accommodate you can still let her it’s best not to come.

This won’t work, sorry. Not a hope.

From what OP has said mum will want him to attend but won’t be able to manage him (and it’s extremely difficult I know from personal experience). He’s reacting to noise and cakes being cut…really how can she manage that?

There will probably be meltdowns if she tries to take him out. (Sometimes others think the parent is being too gentle when in actuality the parent knows things will go from bad to very much worse if they put their foot down while their child is disregulated.)

…but that you also want to give him a chance to learn how to behave in social situations. Be kind. Be clear. Be very firm.

He’s not going to learn to manage these social situations overnight. It’s totally misunderstanding the situation if you think he can. Very patronising tbh. In reality he’s not able for these parties yet, but mum is finding that hard to accept. It is a very hard thing to accept.

So if you take this approach, OP, you will inevitably have to ask them to leave. That will be very stressful for everyone.

My advice is to have a smaller party or alternatively accept the chaos. You can't not invite a single disabled child to a class party and come out of it looking good.

give over, we have countless threads from "single mums" and no one raises an eyebrow.

I am not sure why you have an issue with single dads, but your post was unnecessary. Why are you trying to start a fight

He's not being excluded because he has a disability. He is being excluded because he hurts others, including and most importantly the birthday girl. He is being excluded because his Mum doesn't manage his behaviour.
I don't agree that others should also be excluded to soften the blow, because that is unfair and unkind to the other children.

It's brief and clear. No tweaking the words would make it any less hurtful.

From her point of view though, I think I'd rather wonder if he was the only child excluded from the party (again) than have it rammed down my throat that he is being explicitly excluded.

You absolutely can not invite a child who has been violent towards your daughter. She should not have to fear that at her birthday party. She shouldn’t have to compromise the guest list to spare his or his mother’s feelings.

Depends on whether hes absolutely going to kick off. If theres a chance he can behave then he gets to enjoy the party?

Regardless of any ASD or previous history - I think any parent has the right to politely ask any child to leave their home if they're behaving so terribly.

Your message was inappropriate.
You'll have many more social events to navigate with kids, use tact and diplomacy. That does not include giving parents reasons for exclusions.

Just have half the class plus friends from out of school?