Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

Rubbish.

If his behaviour is the only behaviour that needs to be excluded, then why should others suffer by being excluded too?

Ridiculous suggestion, cruel to the well behaved children and the reason for a lot of the lack of empathy that is about. Kids are growing up knowing things like this are unjust, but having no voice to prevent it.

I have a disabled child. You absolutely can exclude this child from the party invites. Its not about the child its about his parents placing him in situations that he cant manage and then not removing him quickly when there is an issue. It is the parents fault he wont be invited not the childs.
If my child couldnt manage something like a npisy busy party i might try but as soon as he got distressed i would remove him and go home. No blame for the child, obviously not their fault, we would just go and do something else instead and if i didnt think they would cope with leaving i wouldnt take them in the first place.
I wouldnt explain to the parents either. They have made their bed. They have to deal with the consequenses.

Tbh you were damned by most people whichever way you dealt with it…
If you didn’t invite him but didn’t acknowledge the problem at all, people would have said you were harsh…
If you invited him and he ruined the party people would have said you shouldn’t have invited him anyway.
In your shoes I probably would have invited all the girls and did something with her male best friend separately, a cinema trip or something, but I’m a bit of a chicken!
It’s your daughter’s party and she shouldn’t have it spoilt by a child whose parent should know that he doesn’t cope in those environments.
I doubt she will take your message well, and she may get other parents to agree with her at least publicly that he shouldn’t have been excluded but you’ve tried your best.
Hope your daughter has a great party!

But it’s clear that the parent will bring him and not deal with the issues so this isn’t a compromise, it’s just inviting them anyway.

Yes, indeed. If the child with the issues had happened to be a girl, would people have told OP to only let his DD invite boys to her party?

Oops. I missed that you sent the message.
The mother lacks social awareness by not removing her DC when he gets overwhelmed by other children, starts hitting out, so I admire your directness. I wouldn't have the guts to do it.

She does need a reality check! No one should be subjected to his violent outbursts. And yes I do know what I am talking about as my son is autistic and can get very stimulated and throw things at strangers. He nearly threw some dinner plates at fellow guests in a pub once about 10 years ago. He could’ve seriously injured someone. Yes he’s autistic but that is NOT free pass to be violent and scare other children. And there is absolutely NO need to insult the OP!!!

Does your daughter need to invite the whole class? Couldn't she invite 15 or so, then he wouldn't be the only one left out? I understand his behaviour is difficult but to be the only child not invited in the whole class is pretty awful 😕

This seems a reasonable compromise

Really? How was it horrible? He could easily have listed all of the reasons why the boy isn't invited, but he subtly euphemised it in a tactful way that the mother will be well aware of. From what OP has explained, the autism and the behaviour isn't the main problem; it's the disconnected, uninterested non-parenting.

She needs to understand that, if she refuses to parent her child properly, he will miss out. I said the same thing on the similar thread a while back about the boy in the class who was a bully - likely no ND - who was specifically excluded from OP's child's party because the party was meant to be a lovely special day for the birthday child and not a punishment.

It isn't up to parents to message other parents explaining why their dc isn't invited, it is so inappropriate.

Just dont invite them but again try and use tact and don't make them the only exclusion.

why is the solution to segregate boys and girls?

why is your solution sending the message that girls and boys are so unequal they can't even have a party together?

As a parent two two autistic boys who is also around a lot of autistic children, there are lots of competing issues in my opinion:

Some SEND parents not accepting some things aren’t suitable for their children.

Some SEND parents not understanding that what NT children enjoy is not something their children enjoy.

Some SEND parents allowing their child’s disabilities to excuse unacceptable behaviour. Even if a child’s additional needs mean they lash out, it doesn’t mean other people have to accept being harmed.

In my opinion @tomWh the fact that this parent has not seen parties like this aren’t suitable, and that she makes no effort to remove him for violence means you need to exclude him.

My sons had none of the violent outbursts but could only cope with certain parties and therefore I only took him to appropriate ones.

SEND parents are not a homogeneous group obviously, but so many actually do their children a disservice in the same of equality and it’s a real shame, as they don’t embrace the joys in some of the differences.

My youngest is entirely uninterested in parties. He prefers a helium balloon and a spinny chair and that is fine.

So if she is "living it" why-

1. does she put her child into a situation that he can't cope with
2. think of the other children whose parties have been spoilt by her inability to say No to the invite or manage the situation
3. realise that it is parents like her who make it so hard for well behaved kids with additional needs to get invited to parties, as people unfairly lump them altogether

Selfish woman

I’m a SEN parent of a little boy who - when dysregulated - does lash out. It’s awful. For him, for us, for everyone. I do understand why you’ve struggled with this and why, ultimately, you have decided that you can’t invite him. But I do just want to explain that this isn’t simply a case of bad behaviour. The fact this child lashes out like this is undoubtedly a sensory response to the environment - the same goes for what happens at school (a classic case of unmet need and a mismatched environment). I feel sorry for your DD but I also feel sorry for the other mother and more so for the other child. My guess is that she is desperate for him to ‘fit in’ and that she is struggling trying to get the support that he needs. I’m not saying that’s your ‘problem’, but if your message does land badly all I would ask is you remember that her life is no doubt already pretty isolating and hard. I’m not saying that makes it ‘right’ that she continues to bring him to every party, I suspect she just hopes it will get easier. I learned a long time ago that we just wouldn’t do this stuff, but I know that’s not something others find easy to do.

I hope your daughter has a lovely birthday.

Really tough one. But I would tell the mother that the party will be very unsuitable for her son due to all the lights and noise etc.

I don’t think it’s patronising. It’s actually quite kind considering - he could have just said he didn’t want to risk a recurrence of her son’s violence from the other parties.

Removed post as seen you already sent message, fwiw, bad idea , but hey too late now

Don't invite him it would actually be just as cruel to invite him than not, if the mum asks why tell her the truth that from experience of the last event yours will be too loud and over stimulating and you don't think it's fair to him or the other children if he comes. It's your daughter's birthday party and you can't have it wrecked particularly when you know what will happen.

OP, I think you should absolutely invite whoever your daughter wants to her party, and if it means excluding just that one child and inviting everyone else, then so be it. It would be totally unfair not to invite others, e.g. all the boys, just because one of their number behaves badly and is violent. You would be depriving all of them because of that child, and that's not fair either. Also, I think a fair few other parents would be quite miffed that their child hadn't been invited because of this one boy.

Just wanted to add, well done for being brave enough to come on MN and ask for help. There's some nasty man-haters on here, and they will twist anything so they can have a dig, as you might have gathered from a couple of the comments, but I think you've had a lot of good advice. Good luck!

I'd hope another parent wouldn't message you tbh. It's not the way to do it but here we are.

You can't host a whole class party and exclude one child.
Cut the numbers only invite her close friends.
I understand your frustration, but you don't want to be seen as a heartless person.

Indeed. It's staggeringly insensitive isn't it.