Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

I think it's relevant as well. OP, where is the party being held?

Agreed. Violence is not ok sn or not. OP won't be the first or last to skip this child's invite. If anything a good teaching moment for her child. There were parties my child was not invited to for similar, but mon violent. I was sad for her but understood completely.

Can’t see what critical difference it makes just looks like you are fishing to find something to criticise.

This is a great idea!

Parent of an autistic child who couldn’t cope with large classes and I chose not to take him
to some parties. The mum is wrong - her autistic child doesn’t need to be included in everything, especially stuff that he can’t cope with. She should be asking for accommodations to be made so that he can cope, so a quiet room at the party, a detailed party schedule to manage transitions, a menu and a photo of the cake, whatever helps to make transitions easier so he can enjoy it with the rest. Having said that it doesn’t always work and there’s a lot of events you can’t attend.

But I think excluding one child out of a whole class is pretty cruel and the message is callous. I would have invited half the class - there’s plenty of parties throughout the year, no one is missing out and your daughter will barely remember who attended, but the little
boy and his mum will always remember this.

It doesn't 'matter' one bit, but it's relevant to my own thoughts on it, which is why I'm asking.

Also I've just read the message you sent about invites being given out on Monday. I'm sure it goes without saying not to do this in front of the boy who isn't invited. Ideally hand them to the parents, not the children. FWIW I think you've made the right decision.

Your message was perfect .
The reality is what it is, it's absolute nonsense for anyone to wring their hands about excluding one child in these circumstances.

The behaviour described at previous parties shows that the child is not enjoying himself and simply cannot cope in these social situations.
This is something his parents must accept and deal with.

Spot on! I stopped taking my autistic child to parties years ago. It isn’t fair on them and it isn’t fair on everyone else.

You can’t invite the whole class bar 1 child, that’s awful! Bouncy castles get overwhelming anyway so prob better to just go with half the class, surely she doesn’t play with everyone anyway? I’ve got a child with SEN and turn down parties I know he won’t cope with, it makes me sad to think I have to hide him from society but I’m old enough to know people don’t understand him and they want their parties without him.

Does it matter?

Where is it being held? A venue, or have you got 19 kids, a bouncy castle, inflatables, food tables etc and a bunch of adults in your garden?

It’s a tricky situation. My kid has autism and tbh it was a relief when he never got invited to things as it was just walking on eggshells for me as his mum hovering around him to make sure he wasn’t being a pain in the arse. He himself was generally oblivious if he wasn’t invited though which makes it easier. Mum in this case may be either not that great a mum or on the other hand it’s sad to think of your kid getting excluded for something that’s not their fault. But while he has a right to inclusion at school he doesn’t have a right ti be included in people’s social lives. You might want to check that the school won’t have an issue with party invites to all but one child being handed out, it might be fairer to cut the list a bit more.

I suspect this poor kid has sensory issues that make the over stimulating environment and noise of a party just too much. The mother needs to try noise muffling headphones - they could be a real game changer for this boy. Obviously, that is not your problem!

I personally would never just leave one child out even though I don't think his behaviour (even though I think I may understand it and empathise) should just be tolerated - in your situation I would just invite the girls and maybe one two boys she gets on better with.

Glad to hear you have plenty of helpers. You will need them! Prep as much as you can in advance, as you will have so many talking to you all at once.

I think speaking to the Mum, in a friendly way, but being firm about what she would do if he starts getting overwhelmed again is the way to go. If you don't like the answer you are within your rights to say.. I don't think this is a suitable event for him.
But its a party for yoru DD first and foremost.

I think this child’s mother does need a reality check. Either she is fully aware that her child is ruining other children’s parties, being violent and attacking other children and just….doesn’t care, or she’s minimising the disruption he actually causes. I think you’ve done the right thing op.

That's really difficult. I would be inclined not to invite him, to explain to the mum why and put my tin hat on. I know it sounds cold, but watching your child's party being destroyed especially knowing that it was probably going to happen, isn't the answer either. You could invite half of the class instead of the whole class, but then your daughter is compromising on having the people that she wants there. On the one hand the mum is right to advocate for her child and making sure that he isn't excluded generally but a private party is different. It sounds like he's clearly overwhelmed in these settings and she might be so intent on him not being excluded, that she isn't doing what is best for him by dragging him along regardless. Alternatively could you tell her that while he is invited, she will have to take him home if there is a repeat of the previous party or if its clearly too much for him.

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions

Why should your DD put up with someone potentially being violent towards her at her own birthday party just so "nobody's feelings get hurt?"
Screw that. He wouldn't be getting an invite. Actions can have consequences (even if he can't help his actions)

My DS was obsessed with tiny balls as a toddler. We went to my aunt'sparty where they had bingo for entertainment, he wanted the tray of balls. I removed him and tried again, he darted for the tray. DH lifted him and we left. Children like adults don't have the right to destroy another person's special day for any reason.

I asked upthread, but its maybe been missed.

I just wondered - where is the party being held? Are other parents staying? How many 'helpers' have you enlisted for the 19 children going?

By year 2, they’ll have a main group of friends. It would be unusual at that age for the whole class to be their close friends, so just invite a smaller group. Unless this is another autism bashing thread from a different angle…. It’s been done before and deleted.

My children were in a class of 17/18 at that age. We invited about 7 kids from school, then cousins and friends from hobbies.

Whole class parties are usually in reception before they’ve made their friends ime.

I like this option. You'd have to be quite courageous to do it, but it seems decent.

I think the point of messaging rather than speaking f2f or at the school gate was so that words couldn't be misremembered or taken up wrongly

@tomWh this is an incredibly tough call to make but on the whole I agree with you & what you decided, I'm a teacher & have worked with SEN kids both in mainstream classes &/or in smaller groups for over 10 years & I would say, as has been echoed on this thread already, most parents who have children with additional needs know what the children can & can't cope with, this parent doesn't seem to fall into that category

I hope the party goes well & there's no snide or spikey remarks at the school gate going forward but at the end of the day your daughter & her safety is your priority