Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

you didn’t even have the guts to speak to the parent before you sent that awful email

Don't invite him, someone else's child being autistic isn't your problem, if he would just get sensory overload in the corner and that didn't impact anyone else well he'd be invited (one of my children's friends is like this, he isn't disruptive or demands the activity is changed, he just cries if it gets too much, his parent's take him away from the noise and that's just fine, I'd never leave him out because he doesn't cause any problems for any other children). The issue un this boy's case is his behaviour, hurting other children and ruining the party for everyone else isn't on and unfortunately as sad as it might seem it is for the best he isn't invited.

Don't do physical invites that are handed out, just invite the children via WhatsApp by creating a group with the parents of the children you want to invite. The excluded child's mum doesn't even need to know the party is happening, if she finds out you just explain it isn't suitable for her child to attend given the last party.

Sorry I haven’t read the full thread so someone might have suggested similar, but how about making a quiet, low stimulus area away from the main party for ‘any kids’ who feel overwhelmed to go for a rest/break. Then when this child kicks off you can point the mum towards it. It’s a good compromise because he’s still being invited along but has somewhere he can go if he gets overwhelmed and needs some space away from the noise and busyness of the main party. I have an autistic child and although I sympathise with the mum and little boy, it isn’t fair that everyone’s party is ruined. My child is more likely to go very quiet/hide at parties but the solution is the same, we’ll go and find somewhere a little less overwhelming to sit, even if it’s a walk out to the car, and then attempt to try the main party again, maybe when the children are eating and it’s a little quieter and less busy.

In fairness, if you hadn’t been managing his behaviour by removing him when he “kicked off”, she had a point.

One of the neighbouring kids was like that. We stopped inviting him as the parents made no effort to stop him ruining the party for everyone else.

How is it arseholery to exclude a child who has ruined previous parties with impunity and has a parent who would parent?

Because it’s the simplest way not
to be the arsehole who excludes the boy with SEN

and its it’s got feck all to do with girls and boys being unequal and you know it

I would just do an all girls party and just the one boy she plays with.

thats what we’ve done a number of time, invited all the boys apart from one girl that my son plays with.

she always comes, even though I make her mum aware she’ll be the only girl.

I agree.
Hand the invitations directly to the parents if you can, and I would quietly mention at that point that “not quite all the class are invited so I’m being a bit discreet”. You don’t have to mention that it is only that one boy who is not invited, just that it’s not quite all the class, and that way the parents will be aware to not go bellowing around talking about it or mentioning it on an all-class WhatsApp group.
Any parents who don’t go to the school pick up /drop off would have to be passed the invitation via their child, but at least doing some of them directly through the parents avoids that whole thing of your kid handing out all the invitations in the classroom to everyone but one child.
It’s a tricky situation with no possible perfect outcome, but I think you’ve done the right thing in protecting your daughter in preserving her nice party, and also the right thing in being honest with this boy’s mum.

In this case, I think it’s absolutely fine to not invite him. Bad behaviour shouldn’t be normalised and rewarded. Yes, he is autistic, but lots of children with autism go to parties and their parents don’t just sit back and let them cause chaos and be violent. This is a parenting issue and it’s okay to say no. The parents need to manage the situation better or they need to bring extra support or they need to politely decline. They have a lifetime of supporting him in managing social situations and making sure he and everyone around him are safe. They need to get started.

Same. There’s inclusion, and there’s this kind of batshittery, where dozens of people have every special occasion compromised and ruined to accommodate just one person.

This is totally on the mother of the ASD child. Whilst I appreciate how tough it must be for her, she can’t just unilaterally insist that her child is invited to everything regardless of his behaviour. He obviously doesn’t cope well at big parties, so why won’t she accept it’s probably best he doesn’t attend? Or at least is removed if his behaviour deteriorates?

Insisting on his inclusion at events where he can’t cope is doing him a grave disservice in the long run, because as he grows up he is unlikely to experience the same degree of latitude in other social situations. And why keep pushing your child into parties where his presence is dreaded?

I think the only way to tackle it head on, OP, is to have an uncomfortable conversation with the mum about the child’s interactions with your daughter, which mean unfortunately you can’t include him. Hell would freeze over before I extended a part invitation to a kid who’d been violent to my child multiple times, disability or not.

The non-confrontational approach is, as PPs have suggested, a girls only party.

My son has profound autism and learning disabilities. When we get invited to parties, I always turn them down but am very thankful to the person who’s included him. He’s an absolute sweetheart most of the time but has significant needs and I’d never ever want his needs to cost a birthday child their special day, so I don’t take the risk.
I’m surprised his mum brings him to the parties if this is how he behaves! And it’s put you in a very difficult situation but ultimately it’s your daughters day and you need to do what’s best for her

Is there a chance she won’t find out? Given the parents are aware their child is scared of her boy I imagine none are that friendly with her? If she finds out she won’t know everyone was invited. My son never tells me anything about school so it could be hers is the same if he were to hear about a party.

If I were you I’d just invite who you want and have your explanation ready were she to confront you.

Edit: Sorry just saw update that you sent the message after I posted this. Good luck hopefully engaging with her works out for you

Think I will. Cheers.

Whilst I like the idea I think the mother just hasn’t got a grasp on the concept of this or she would have done this already. She sounds “soft” and is unable to contain him.

OP, you are paying for this and it’s your little girl’s party. You don’t want your daughter on edge or other kids potentially not attending if they find out that child is coming as well. I’d text or speak to the other mum and explain your reasoning but be clear he’s not invited because of previous behaviour.

He messaged her during the thread, you can read his updates to catch up.

For the giggles I might! 😂

You absolutely can when that child has been repeatedly violent towards your own.

Not it’s not - it’s a rubbish idea and diminishes what his daughter wants for her birthday.

Thanks for the update.

So what’s the issue now then?

But her best friend happens to be a boy.

If you had a really unpleasant, negative uncle who expected to be invited to yours on Christmas Day (and mar it for everybody), would you deal with it by randomly declaring it a female-only day - and telling your DH, DS, DB and any other lovely male family members that they couldn't be there, but your DIL, DSis and their DDs could all come?

OP has already messaged her. He’s not invited.

Don't be daft. I asked a perfectly normal question about where the party is being held.

@tomWh you could be honest with the mum; hand deliver the invitation at pick-up and tell her that her son is invited but due to him ruining previous parties you would prefer that he didn’t come. You will leave his attendance as her decision though.

That would take a lot of back bone to say though.