AIBU to be cross at my in-laws snub at my child’s 18th?

Yes whenever an Op says they’ve basically been forced to pay I always think… how? I mean seriously how have you been forced to pay?

Weird the Op doesn’t tell us what’s happened on all 17 birthdays before now for her DS

That's your issue that you have allowed them to think like that.

I simply cannot understand how someone makes another person pay for something that they didn't want to.

Do they wrestle your card or money from you?
Or is your husband volunteering to pay?

I think you are at fault here. You sound petty and stroppy and like your children can do no wrong. They should be making an effort with grandparents. Of course teens are selfish - it's your job as a parent to remind them to do the right thing. Their expectation for their extended family to go all out on their birthday when they make no effort with them and made no effort to include them in a birthday celebration is very entitled - this is what you should be focusing on. Maybe it can be a lesson for them?

what took you so long?

it's really not

and other people\s' birthdays are not about YOU. It's very weird to be offended because an 18 has some plans with friends or whatever and his adult relatives are not invited.

It would never even have occurred to me to blank a young relative or to send a token card just because they didn't have a family party

Best thing to do is call them out on it. As you have said they would make a scene and cry and so the same to you so have it out with them.

I'd just leave it - it's a 50:50 scenario really- my DD and niece and nephew wouldn't be as lax and as the parent I would have arranged a get together as it's a special birthday. You didn't make it special for the wider family and they have matched that energy. They were all in the wrong

What’s happened for the past 17 years @ABitMiffedOverThis ?

How much was the ‘token amount’ they sent?
Your in laws sound like hard work but tbh if your 18 year old acts unbothered about them it’s hardly surprising that they aren’t falling over themselves to make a big fuss on his birthday. And isn’t it usually the parents who initiate the celebrations for their kids? I wouldn’t have expected my grandparents to say they’d take me out for dinner for my birthdays, because my parents organised the get togethers. Maybe they just took their cue from you.

My mom has a similar relationship with my nieces then my ds ( who is the same age as the youngest)

The difference though is my ds responds to messages from her, sends thank you notes, messages her when something major is going on for her like her husband’s heart surgery.

He’s 15 and he makes an effort. My nieces who I happen to adore and am close to don’t do the same.

My brother has never taught them to write thank you cards or other social niceties when it comes to her so naturally they don’t.

Relationships are give and take. Also why are you doing everything when they visit? What is your dh not hosting and being in charge for their birthdays?

I think you are comparing things in a way that isn't like for like and always makes them look worse. Compare adult celebrations with each other and kids with each other.

Either their relationship with your 18yo is their own thing, all adults, where they are still being nicer to him than he is to them, not even joining a WA group. Or your 18yo is celebrated as an extension of you, but you would be expected to organise a get together and things.

He doesn't get the benefits of being an extension of you and on a par with the way adults celebrate each others milestones and get to just ignore everyone as 18yos wants to do.

Because they are more childish than your 18 year old. Match their energy and just get them a card for subsequent birthdays, including 'milestone' ones. It's ridiculous that you spent £400 on SIL's milestone birthday.

Why is your DC upset when he prioritises his friends over them?

No acknowledgement is not the same as no present. It was always acknowledged on the day by text or a phone call. If there was a party invitation subsequently, there was then a present or some money.

You haven’t invited them to celebrate though. Typically it’s 18 or 21, not both as far as the big celebration. Perhaps they are waiting for the family celebration?

If you’re about to fall out anyway when you stop acknowledging their birthdays I’d say something now.

”Hey, really disappointed you didn’t chose to celebrate kid’s milestone birthday in the way we’ve always celebrated yours. £20 and a card when we spent £400 on yours is really stingy. Message received. A card and £20 it is for your next.”

Then sit back and wait for fireworks.

.

That's a bit strange nowadays in my opinion, as that simply isn't always possible. People's birthdays fall during the week, the holidays, when they are at uni or in our case even at uni abroad, during business trips etc etc. So that would never be acknowledged because there isn't an invite? For me that's a bit selfish.

Totally agree with this . They also sent a card and a small token so what more do you want ?

Many older people get more and more egocentric with time. We see this around us all the time. My other half's parents don't even send a card to grandchildren over 18... while we do separate cards from us, the grandchildren, small gifts, meal out. We just view it as eccentric.

For milestone birthdays we invite people to our house for a party

I’d completely ignore them then - they can come to you guys. If they produce (fake) tears- so be it - their problem

Agree with this. But I'm from a family where we only received presents from family if they were invited to something once we turned 18. I honestly think It's fair enough.

Were they involved in any way in her birthday celebrations?
Was your family?

Did they invite you to celebrate their milestone birthday? Was the £400 for a birthday present or total cost for you to join the celebration?

It's all about context. If your daughter is not willing to celebrate with her grandparents, then she shouldn't care that much about them making a big deal out of it.
Spending money to join a celebration benefits you as well - hopefully - by having a good time there with family.