AIBU to be cross at my in-laws snub at my child’s 18th?

So you’ve been busy. All been on holiday. 18yr didn’t went a party and did their own thing

but obv you knew they were going to be 18 so not sure why couldn’t have planned a date to get together

you didn’t invite family to have cake and bubbles yet seem out out they haven’t celebrated with you ?

and £400 + for sil birthday I assume was a party /meal and stay in hotel ?

seems a lot but you could have said no

The Grandparents sent a token amount.
The SIL didn’t send a gift.

My nieces and nephews aren’t pay per view.

I send gifts regardless of family parties.
3 of my extended family turned 18 this year. I didn’t see any of them on or around their birthday and it made zero difference to their gifts.

And yes they got extra because they turned 18.

I had to double check this wasnt my comment. That branch of the family now have the relationship theyve earned with my kids - absolute zero!
Any cards/gifts for them are no longer my responsibility and life is so much easier.

This happened constantly from one dB and sil , god forbid I'd forget their kids birthday but mine wouldn't get so much as a text. I've stopped showing up to things because they never bothered to come to things they were invited to. I don't feel guilty either . I love my dB to bits but I just can't be arsed anymore to put myself out.

My DD preferred the money in her hand to having some party or experience. Three of her grandparents were dead and her uncle and cousins live at the other end of the country, so there’s no family to sit and have cake with. And we never asked anyone to ‘pay attention’, we’re not the attention grabbing/present grabbing type

Yes but I think she knows them well enough to know that the Aunt sending no gift or money and the grandparents sending a token amount is not the norm for them and she knows it’s a deliberate act as they’re annoyed at not being included enough. If my parents gave £100 to all kids and grandchildren then my kid got £20 I’d know it’s deliberate. She says they have history for this. They expect and have received a lot more for their own big birthdays

Have the posters of the last 4 replies read the OP's posts ?

The Grandparents and other in-laws DID sent money and cards.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, I think it’s awful to punish a grandchild because an 18 year old hasn’t in your eyes made an effort. Most 18 year olds are like that, I was with my Gran and she still loved me hard and made a fuss to call and send a card and gift on my birthday. In a few years I visited her weekly and done her shopping and housework for years. If she’d had treated me like that at 18 I would never have been as close. Most teenagers just want to spend their time with their friends and you shouldn’t expect people to have parties. Anyway my in laws are the same but I just ignore it as I can see it hurts my husband so don’t want to cause anymore upset for him. My kids have picked up on the difference between in-laws and my parents and it’s not rocket science to guess who they are closest to now being older

Do you only buy for your child if they’re invited spend the day with you? Not everyone enjoys party’s or a big fuss, I would never spend less on my child for that reason

Wow! Do people actually do things like this with teenage grandchildren? Do parents not get their child a present if they decide to spend their birthdays with a friend? I find this view awful and if my parent or grandparent had punished me like this as a teenager I wouldn’t be as close to them as I am now

So grandparents and aunties only make an effort if they’re invited to a party? I’m so glad I got unconditional love from my grandparents and weren’t punished when I was a teenager. You shouldn’t give less or more to a grandchild depending on what they’re giving you, my mum doesn’t see one grandchild as much as another but loves and treats them the same

Shame there wasn't a poll, but fair play to you for admitting YABU.

If you and your dh cba to organise something to mark your child's 18th birthday with their extended family, you can't be cross that same extended family didn't go over the top in the amount of money they sent.

@ABitMiffedOverThis Look at it this way - your DC no longer has to conform to whatever batshit crap comes their way from "The Familee" 🙄
It's freeing. Rejoice in it. Be happy for them.

Maybe join in..?

And get MIL a voucher for Ann Summers for Christmas!
😇

Let DH deal with his parents.

Do your children have form for not thanking them for previous gifts?

My DS has just turned 18 and hasn't received anything from his paternal grandparents, not even a card or text. Whereas my Dad, who lives abroad, did manage to send a card and I know he'll give him a gift when he next sees him.

Tbf, they're in their mid-80's and FIL is starting to experience cognitive decline.

But they've never made much effort with their grandchildren, so I suppose this is just the latest example. Don't fret about it @ABitMiffedOverThis, they are who they are - but equally don't make a big effort next time they expect you to.

I know that DH is disappointed in them but he won't say anything. He always remembers their birthdays... but then again, I think he's their only adult child who does!

Are you saying that both 18 and 21 are ‘big’ birthdays and extended family should go all out for both? Bit grabby!

You cannot change. They sound like mine. Always a mother and daughter duo... leave them to their sad existence.

It’s been 30 years, time to stop pandering to them. Just make zero effort going forward and if they want to exclude you and dc it’s a win win situation.

And what had they done for the 20 birthdays before then?

This is what you have to do for your own peace of mind.

I was equally pissed of when my BIL and partner didn't even send a card for my sons 21st. I was fuming and completely changed my view of them.

Keep them at arms length now and certainly don't go out of my way.

Now sounds like a good time to start giving as good as you get, which is minimally. You were the last to give big and get small, so be prepared to stand by not giving big again - and also be prepared to be left out of their big things for each other.

Nowadays, I just match people's energy levels. I barely raise any issues with people (maybe in passing) but then leave them to it. I don't close any doors but I also don't stand there, inconveniencing myself, holding them open either.

So they would expect you to pay for their meal out for your child's 18th, but also to pay for theirs on their birthday? Do they think you earn loads more than you do? Sounds like you and your husband need a strategy for the payment situations. How has it happened in the past?

They’ve done you a favour then. The next time the tearful manipulation starts, you turn it around about the resentment over your DC’s 18th after years of you making a special effort and what can they say to that if you get to be the offended party? Personally I wouldn’t give in to any of that stuff, let them get upset about whatever they feel they are entitled to!