AIBU to not want my brother living in my flat long term

80 replies

youngersibling · Yesterday 00:17

I’m late twenties, and my brother is mid thirties. I purchased my flat in London just over a year ago, I fortunately did get some help from my parents with the deposit.

I’m single and have been living alone here. I did think about getting a lodger in at some point but I’ve just been loving having my own space. Before this I’ve been in many flatshares including short term subletting right before completing on my property

My brother lived in big US city for work, we’d only see each other few times for big family events as we’re not super close and wouldn’t really hang out 1on1. I wouldn’t invite him to my birthday celebrations and vice versa, if we weren’t siblings we probably wouldn’t be friends

Unfortunately he was made redundant and was out of work for almost a year so moved back in with our parents in rural town. I did feel really bad for him as it must’ve been a tough adjustment. He recently landed a job which is in London and wants to buy his own place here too but before that needs somewhere to stay. He doesn’t want to flatshare with strangers but also doesn’t want to spend so much on rent for 1 bed place in zone 1 or 2. He also earns much more than me

He’s expecting to stay at my flat for next 5or6 months at discounted rate, as expects to have bought a place by then. Although I think that’s pretty ambitious as conveyancing can be unpredictable, what if it’s a year or longer (mine took 7 months)

I really don’t feel comfortable him moving in and want my independence. I voiced concerns to my parents saying that I don’t mind helping out for few months as a favour but really don’t want this long term (think I could just about cope with 4 months together). My parents think I’m being cruel and greedy, they want me to offer around 10 months, I feel guilty because I wouldn’t have my flat deposit without my parents help

I’d rather be sharing with a flatmate from Spareroom than my brother as I feel like there’d be better boundaries and I still have privacy and independence. I don’t feel comfortable to fully relax and would feel unable to do some things whilst living with him

We have different politics and I usually would avoid bringing up certain topics because it’ll only cause resentment. Harder to do that if we have to live together for a while

OP posts:

EsmeSusanOgg · Yesterday 15:57

It needs to be a defined period. With a proper lodger agreement - so if it does not work - he can move out beforehand. I would suggest a max period with a break clause/ review. Say 6 months, with a review at 3 months. Neither of you know how compatible you are living together as adults. But I also understand why, with the deposit help from your parents, it may be hard to say an outright no.

whittingtonmum · Yesterday 16:49

I would not involve your parents any further in the conversation. It's your flat and you and your brother are both adults.

So I would speak to your brother directly and say that this is between him and you and for him to please leave your parents out of it as you do not appreciate being dictated do what you can or can't do with the flat you own.

Then I would say you want to help him out but you need boundaries. You can't agree to an open-ended agreement but you can offer him 4 months at X rent. This gives him time enough to pass the probation period in his job (assume it's three months) and line up another temporary flat share while he is looking to buy.

If your brother complains to your parents that this arrangement isn't long/generous enough I would rescind the offer as it's clearly not appreciated and what you have said about boundaries has not been understood.

But you might find your brother being more reasonable about the arrangements than your parents.

Hadalifeonce · Yesterday 16:58

I wouldn't do it, I think your parents will be thinking that he can keep an eye on you; then maybe, he thinks he has the right to 'look after' you. It all sounds like a recipe for disaster.

PloddingAlong21 · Yesterday 17:58

Initially thought you should because family help. Then came to my senses - no. If culturally the way you live isn’t compatable with what he would find acceptable it would be a disaster.

Millytante · Yesterday 19:33

OP, read your final two paragraphs out loud. Your prescience should be listened to!
You are a single, professional woman already on her own path and gaining a broad experience of life at the perfect age for it, yet here you are, expected to agree to shroud any ‘objectionable’ characteristics and enthusiasms, to sublimate your very presence in your own ruddy house, because Mr Big requires things to be ‘just so.’
(No way will he allow you to play The Slits late at night!)

As you say, you'll be 24/7 nervous, resentful, and hugely frustrated by the setup. It’s like you are at the moment sprinting along, in the zone and feeling good, on your chosen path, and you suddenly have to stop, and agree to quit running until he has found his ideal flat (maybe by mid-2028, given the puny rent he will pay you! )
I swear, in all seriousness, this notion will have a very deleterious effect on your wellbeing. It’ll affect your work, for one thing. You can’t allow that to start rolling backwards.
You’ll know better than most how common it is for sisters of these golden brothers to end up pretty much sacrificing their lives just to serve as big brother’s handmaiden. He’ll have you doing his laundry, stocking his preferred foods, and likely cooking them too. Only his friends may visit, and you must stay in your room.

Aargh! Im not saying anything you don’t already know, far better than I do.

I just hate to think of such a bright young woman being required to bow her head to make way for a domineering male sibling’s requirements.
I don’t think cultural tradition or pressures should carry any weight compared to the basic rights and freedoms you have as an adult in this society.
I wont get far shouting any such sentiment, but you, my dear, can RESIST✊🏼!
Good luck to you; I do hope you can prevail.

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