AIBU to not want my brother living in my flat long term

OP, read your final two paragraphs out loud. Your prescience should be listened to!
You are a single, professional woman already on her own path and gaining a broad experience of life at the perfect age for it, yet here you are, expected to agree to shroud any ‘objectionable’ characteristics and enthusiasms, to sublimate your very presence in your own ruddy house, because Mr Big requires things to be ‘just so.’
(No way will he allow you to play The Slits late at night!)

As you say, you'll be 24/7 nervous, resentful, and hugely frustrated by the setup. It’s like you are at the moment sprinting along, in the zone and feeling good, on your chosen path, and you suddenly have to stop, and agree to quit running until he has found his ideal flat (maybe by mid-2028, given the puny rent he will pay you! )
I swear, in all seriousness, this notion will have a very deleterious effect on your wellbeing. It’ll affect your work, for one thing. You can’t allow that to start rolling backwards.
You’ll know better than most how common it is for sisters of these golden brothers to end up pretty much sacrificing their lives just to serve as big brother’s handmaiden. He’ll have you doing his laundry, stocking his preferred foods, and likely cooking them too. Only his friends may visit, and you must stay in your room.

Aargh! Im not saying anything you don’t already know, far better than I do.

I just hate to think of such a bright young woman being required to bow her head to make way for a domineering male sibling’s requirements.
I don’t think cultural tradition or pressures should carry any weight compared to the basic rights and freedoms you have as an adult in this society.
I wont get far shouting any such sentiment, but you, my dear, can RESIST✊🏼!
Good luck to you; I do hope you can prevail.

Initially thought you should because family help. Then came to my senses - no. If culturally the way you live isn’t compatable with what he would find acceptable it would be a disaster.

I wouldn't do it, I think your parents will be thinking that he can keep an eye on you; then maybe, he thinks he has the right to 'look after' you. It all sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I would not involve your parents any further in the conversation. It's your flat and you and your brother are both adults.

So I would speak to your brother directly and say that this is between him and you and for him to please leave your parents out of it as you do not appreciate being dictated do what you can or can't do with the flat you own.

Then I would say you want to help him out but you need boundaries. You can't agree to an open-ended agreement but you can offer him 4 months at X rent. This gives him time enough to pass the probation period in his job (assume it's three months) and line up another temporary flat share while he is looking to buy.

If your brother complains to your parents that this arrangement isn't long/generous enough I would rescind the offer as it's clearly not appreciated and what you have said about boundaries has not been understood.

But you might find your brother being more reasonable about the arrangements than your parents.

It needs to be a defined period. With a proper lodger agreement - so if it does not work - he can move out beforehand. I would suggest a max period with a break clause/ review. Say 6 months, with a review at 3 months. Neither of you know how compatible you are living together as adults. But I also understand why, with the deposit help from your parents, it may be hard to say an outright no.

I think the weekdays not weekends would be reasonable.

I wouldn't do it. He will move in and have problems finding a place. You'll never get rid of him.

Money often comes without strings attached if it comes from a loving place.

The money I give to my kids becomes my kids' money once it's handed over. No strings.

Great post.
I would keep saying no.
Get in a lodger quickly if it helps.

If your culture is so dominant of women and he is older than you, you will be dominated by him, in YOUR home.

Not worth the risk.

You're going to have to stand firm, which is going to be difficult and refuse.

Your parents can't force this. They can only guilt you. Even if they started saying you had to give it back, they can't force it.

Your brother is going to be a massive pain - you're younger than him and I can imagine he is going to do whatever he wants in your flat, ignoring your wishes.

Don't let him ruin your living space.

Your parents can help him with a deposit, not make your life worse.

Tough it out. If it takes avoiding your parents for a while, do that, make sure they understand you're not going to bullied, which is what they are doing.

@youngersibling
Sod this thing about blood being thicker than water tell them you want to decorate /renovate and were hoping for a female professional to rent for a set time till you'd saved the money needed, and that your brother will expect to be paying a peppercorn rent leading to nothing being done
State that although they helped with the deposit and its truly appreciated chances are that if your brother had been the one to stay in London he would've been the one they'd have helped instead and say that you know for a fact he'd not have had you anywhere near his property considering previous experiences of how he's always being with you in the past/his politcal leanings
And don't feel guilty
If it were him, he'd probably not about you
Whilst ignoring your parents

I would have a problem with more than 3 months and with the discounted rate, it's bad enough losing your space without being out of pocket.

Definitely say no @youngersibling or it could drag on. Different if you were closer/had similar
values. Don’t let others guilt you.

I have been in your situation twice. First flat I bought in my twenties my parents expected me to flatshare with my brother as they had given me money which he used to buy a car and I used to buy my flat. I didn’t want it to happen but the blow up would’ve been so bad I let him. It wasn’t actually that bad. He was never in.
Second time it was when I was buying a house in our 30s, my ILs expected us to take my SIL in and pay nothing because DH had been given some money from his Grandparents will. As had she. She paid us nothing despite earning more than us.
That was a disaster. It was meant to be 3 months and then became a year. It was v stressful. Eventually we told her she had to go but because we had let her stay it avoided a total family shit show.

Its because your parents see it as their property not yours. There’s always strings attached even if they say there’s not. So until you can buy them out of their share - it will always be theirs not yours. If I had my time again I would tell DH to explain to his parents that his family money hadn’t been used for the house. Didn’t matter to them I had put a bit of money in when my Dad had died.

So I fully understand why you feel you can’t say no and I don’t think you can without serious family repercussions but I would talk to your brother and say let’s try and get through this as painlessly as possible. Take your parents out of it. You might find that he’s as keen to move on as you are to move him out.

Just because your parents gave you a deposit it doesn’t mean they have a say on the flat for the rest of time, unless they gave you the deposit on the condition family could stay there whenever they needed to. There is no guarantee your brother will find a flat immediately and it can take months for a purchase to go through. If you pay the mortgage and bills on the place your parents have no right to dictate who can stay with you. Say no.

Tricky…

Does he need to move? Or could he commute from your parents to the new job?

Is your place convenient or could you spin it as ‘the northern line/overground is a nightmare, you’d be better renting in A or B for commuting and to also get a feel for where you want to buy’

Or could you simply say the second bedroom is your office/home gym and it’s not set up for longer term visitors?

The fact that your parents helped you out with the deposit is completely irrelevant. Would you have accepted if you’d known there were strings attached? He’s a grown man in his 30’s. Neither you nor your parents owe him anything. And why the hell would you let him stay at a discounted rate?? He earns more than you! He’s not some 19 year old student who a parent might let stay and charge nothing or buttons for rent because they are studying!
You can absolutely flat out say no then grey rock them all if they try to put pressure on you. Get a payment plan in writing to pay back your parents if it’s not a loan, then they don’t have that to hold over you. No doubt they’ll try to say they want to the money back right away. Tough. They’ll never be able to demand that legally.
If you are feeling a bit kinder and want to offer something, tell him he can stay for three months (or whatever you’re comfortable with) but pay you proper rent, final offer.

This 100%. I get the people saying it isn't a big deal for family but what was a huge red flag for me was 'he EXPECTS to stay with me'. It sounds like if he moves in he will see it as his place and you will have to do what suits him. He expects to move in, he expects to not pay full rate, if he had ASKED, my opinion would be quite different but I think it sounds like a nightmare.
I do get how hard it must be with your cultural pressures but what if he decides he doesn't want to move out? Is it going to be expected of you to be ok with that too? What if he doesn't like a future partner? Will it be expected of you to accommodate his preferences then and not have them round, as 'its his home too?' I think as @TurtleMcTurtle implied, you are likely to end up upsetting your parents one way or another anyway sadly so honestly I think its best to do it now and not have an unwelcome lodger that you will likely struggle to get rid of, at least on your terms. Good luck

I would hurry up and find a lodger! That way you won’t have a spare room.
I would definitely keep saying no sorry to your parents - whilst finding a lodger. Non existent or real!

Also reading ops comments, I think he'd move in, impose his views on her and she'd be seen as the unwanted guest.

Or even saving up to pay back your dp for the "gift". Do what my dsis did to prevent guests and convert the room into something else.

Can u say just to stay to Christmas maybe ? He is getting help with a flat as well .Surely thats enough time to find somewhere.Or alternatively be terribly sorry but you forgot your good friend is coming to stay .It annoys me that you are being given tabs on your new home when you should be enjoying yourself!

Say no. And keep saying it. If it causes a fall out, shame on them. He has the benefit of a deposit too. He can buy his own place. He is not homeless and can stay with your DP if he needs to. He’s in cloud cuckoo land. All this talk of wanting a certain zone, honestly! If he’s that particular he can pay to live where he wants.

Does your brother share your parents' regressive views regarding the position of women in society and their behaviour?

If your parents are giving him the deposit, why can't he buy a property now?

Apologies; our posts crossed (and you wrote a far better argument on the same topic.)