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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DP should make a decision?

121 replies

Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 21:50

My DP is 40 in a fortnight. He still hasn’t made a decision about how he wants to celebrate and it’s driving me wild.

I know he doesn’t want a party or a meal. I’ve asked a couple of times if he wants us to do something on the day, or if he wants to go out with his friends. He still doesn’t know.

I know I am being unreasonable, but it’s two weeks away! I’ve got deposits paid for friends’ 40ths next year. AIBU about how laid back he’s being?

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · Yesterday 09:43

Tell him about your event and tell him you'll celebrate the next day with him. I can't see he'll be bothered by that.

AutumnLoverButNotYet · Yesterday 09:43

If you fancy going to the thing on Friday night, tell him he has until midday today to decide if he wants to spend his birthday evening with you or with his mates, because if he hasn't decided by midday that he wants to spend it with you, you are going to accept the other invitation.

I can understand him not knowing what he wants to do, but it's not acceptable for him to not decide if he wants to spend the evening with you or not so you can make alternative plans if he doesn't.

It all sounds a little odd

AnotherEmma · Yesterday 09:47

Sounds like he's more important to you than you are to him.

I was sympathetic but you're being as rude to me as you were to the harsher posters so I'm out.

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 10:48

lazyarse123 · Yesterday 09:43

Tell him about your event and tell him you'll celebrate the next day with him. I can't see he'll be bothered by that.

I’m more than happy to miss the event. It is no big deal. I’d rather spend the day with him if that’s what he wants. I just want him to make a decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 10:50

AnotherEmma · Yesterday 09:47

Sounds like he's more important to you than you are to him.

I was sympathetic but you're being as rude to me as you were to the harsher posters so I'm out.

Ooo well, that has cut me to the bone!

I’m pleased you’ve learned that you have had a made up definition of partner in your head though.

OP posts:
gannett · Yesterday 11:22

You're making this into something way more stressful than it actually is, and you seem to care about exactly what your partner does for his birthday than he does.

He hasn't made plans yet because 1) he's on holiday, 2) he probably doesn't mind all that much exactly what or when he celebrates his birthday.

I understand you want to be extremely organised but not everyone is like that, and ultimately this isn't a thing that matters much. Go to your event if you want to, and tell him you'll be free on the other day. So if he wants to celebrate with you on the other day he can. If he goes out with his mates then you celebrate with him the following week or something. Pinning him down to diarise his celebrations is just not that important.

(Also why can't you go out with him and his mates? I've never had or been to a birthday night out where the birthday person's partner wasn't invited.)

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 11:29

gannett · Yesterday 11:22

You're making this into something way more stressful than it actually is, and you seem to care about exactly what your partner does for his birthday than he does.

He hasn't made plans yet because 1) he's on holiday, 2) he probably doesn't mind all that much exactly what or when he celebrates his birthday.

I understand you want to be extremely organised but not everyone is like that, and ultimately this isn't a thing that matters much. Go to your event if you want to, and tell him you'll be free on the other day. So if he wants to celebrate with you on the other day he can. If he goes out with his mates then you celebrate with him the following week or something. Pinning him down to diarise his celebrations is just not that important.

(Also why can't you go out with him and his mates? I've never had or been to a birthday night out where the birthday person's partner wasn't invited.)

Because he’ll just be going out with his friends (who are all men), not his friends and their girlfriends. Would be a bit strange if I went.

OP posts:
PollyBell · Yesterday 11:42

Lookinhin · Yesterday 11:29

Because he’ll just be going out with his friends (who are all men), not his friends and their girlfriends. Would be a bit strange if I went.

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Maybe give him some breathing space

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 11:54

PollyBell · Yesterday 11:42

Maybe give him some breathing space

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😂 Eh? He’s in a different country at the moment, how much space does he need? This places gets weirder every day.

OP posts:
gannett · Yesterday 12:01

Lookinhin · Yesterday 11:29

Because he’ll just be going out with his friends (who are all men), not his friends and their girlfriends. Would be a bit strange if I went.

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Rigid gender-segregated socialising is what's strange to me. Can't really imagine not being welcome on a night out with DH's friends, even if it was just the male ones.

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 12:08

gannett · Yesterday 12:01

Rigid gender-segregated socialising is what's strange to me. Can't really imagine not being welcome on a night out with DH's friends, even if it was just the male ones.

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Well different strokes for different folks. I have friendship groups which are made up of men and women and DP would always be welcome, but I also have another where we’re all women. I’d be bemused if DP wanted to come on a night out with them.

One of the women’s fairly new partner has come along a couple of times and it is odd. It changes the dynamic and it seems a bit possessive. He even asked to come on our weekend away where it’s just women, but she said no to that thankfully.

OP posts:
havingoneofthosedays · Yesterday 12:10

Why won’t you answer on how long you have been together?

And agree with other posters you seem way more into him and pretty intense 😬

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 12:16

havingoneofthosedays · Yesterday 12:10

Why won’t you answer on how long you have been together?

And agree with other posters you seem way more into him and pretty intense 😬

Didn’t know it had been asked. We’ve been friends for 20 years, had a few flings in our 20s, and have been together properly for about seven or eight years.

I am certainly way more into his birthday. Cannot wait to give him his present.

OP posts:
somanychristmaslights · Yesterday 12:30

You’d be doing my head in if you kept asking me. But a partner is someone who wants to spend significant time with. If he’d rather go out with his mates than you on his birthday, I think he’s being very clear on how he feels about your relationship.

havingoneofthosedays · Yesterday 12:34

8 years is quite a long time for not living together

Millytante · Yesterday 12:38

gannett · Yesterday 12:01

Rigid gender-segregated socialising is what's strange to me. Can't really imagine not being welcome on a night out with DH's friends, even if it was just the male ones.

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Agreed! A mixed group of mates is a far more enjoyable (and educational) arrangement, to me.
(I don’t know which I’d recoil from more, the traditional blokedom of six pals without women, or a ‘girls’ night’ involving a weepy film and very restricted drinking going on!)

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 12:40

somanychristmaslights · Yesterday 12:30

You’d be doing my head in if you kept asking me. But a partner is someone who wants to spend significant time with. If he’d rather go out with his mates than you on his birthday, I think he’s being very clear on how he feels about your relationship.

I’ve asked twice. I’ve already said so.

Luckily I am not so insecure as to worry about him enjoying a night out with his pals.

OP posts:
Qualitypinnacle · Yesterday 12:40

I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting to know if he wants you around on his birthday so you can make other plans if not. (I did answer yabu initially, but changed my mind when I realised you just wanted to know whether or not you need to be free)

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 12:41

havingoneofthosedays · Yesterday 12:34

8 years is quite a long time for not living together

No intention of living together either. We don’t live far apart, a 10 minute walk, if that, or a couple of minutes in the car.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 12:41

Millytante · Yesterday 12:38

Agreed! A mixed group of mates is a far more enjoyable (and educational) arrangement, to me.
(I don’t know which I’d recoil from more, the traditional blokedom of six pals without women, or a ‘girls’ night’ involving a weepy film and very restricted drinking going on!)

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You misogyny is showing.

OP posts:
Millytante · Yesterday 12:42

Lookinhin · Yesterday 11:54

😂 Eh? He’s in a different country at the moment, how much space does he need? This places gets weirder every day.

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What what what? Did we already know this?
I’ve been picturing him just upstairs, incommunicado, in some he-man gaming room (in the shared house with its mini golf links and darts arena thingy).

shhblackbag · Yesterday 12:44

You would be stressing me out.

Especially with him being in a different country currently, slow down. Two weeks is plenty for something casual to be planned.

Millytante · Yesterday 12:45

Lookinhin · Yesterday 12:41

You misogyny is showing.

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You reckon? OK
It’s the activity I hated (that brief description was my own unfortunate experience) not the women involved per se, whom I regarded as good mates within a pretty large mixed gang of us in our early thirties.

Millytante · Yesterday 12:52

havingoneofthosedays · Yesterday 12:34

8 years is quite a long time for not living together

I guess it rather explains why so many of us are scratching our heads at this entirely unnecessary impasse re the birthday.
The structure of this ‘partners’ relationship isn’t exactly commonplace (on MN that is) and so it is causing a lot of misapprehension and bogglement in an otherwise fairly straightforward discussion.
We are of necessity putting ourselves in OP’s shoes, and it’s clear the fit is a bit off!

AnchorWHAT · Yesterday 12:54

Would he perhaps enjoy the fundraiser? Offer him a ticket too then you get to go and spend his birthday with him. Enjoy whatever is decided x