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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DP should make a decision?

121 replies

Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 21:50

My DP is 40 in a fortnight. He still hasn’t made a decision about how he wants to celebrate and it’s driving me wild.

I know he doesn’t want a party or a meal. I’ve asked a couple of times if he wants us to do something on the day, or if he wants to go out with his friends. He still doesn’t know.

I know I am being unreasonable, but it’s two weeks away! I’ve got deposits paid for friends’ 40ths next year. AIBU about how laid back he’s being?

OP posts:
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Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · Today 05:35

Lookinhin · Today 01:00

Honestly though, it isn’t. I wish I hadn’t mentioned the fundraiser. It’s not important. I just want to know what he’s doing.

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it sounds like as I said he wants his plans fluid and to decide what to do on the day. Whether that’s brunch out with you, dinner out later etc. in that case say if it’s that I’d book tables but take the financial hit if he really doesn’t want to go out to eat.

If he’s not sociable but you organise a special something to do which he really enjoys then that’s more important to me and to him I’d warrant a guess.

My ex boyfriend had his birthday last April. I met him after work, not on the day, gave him his card and present and made him a cake. We then went out to dinner. He was more than happy with this.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · Today 05:30

Can’t you just be fluid and let him let you know what he wants to do nearer the time? If it’s something that needs booking and he’s still not decided but wants to go (fundraiser?) I’d book it and if he comes on the day great but if not no biggie.

Some people love big landmark celebrations, I have to be sorry and say I really don’t, though if something has been organised for me eg surprise party or special event then I just go along with it.

Millytante · Today 02:38

Lookinhin · Today 00:55

Okay. You still sound entirely misogynistic.

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Well, I really am not.
However, I don’t doubt that flaming great bursts of generalised (and baseless) misanthropy escape confinement at times, so gawd help whoever is existing innocently in my firing line; man, woman, or imaginary shadow.

Millytante · Today 02:28

Lookinhin · Yesterday 22:28

He’s on a stag do. He’s never asked me if I fancy a shag.

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Have you asked him? (That’s an idea; it might precipitate the decision you’re still awaiting! Pounce when he returns from his odyssey)

MsAmerica · Today 02:17

Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 22:54

Yes, got him a present. I just want to know what the plan is for giving him it.

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Personally, I wouldn't say another thing. Then when you wake up on the morning of his birthday, say, "Happy birthday!" and hand it to him. That's it. You've tried really hard, and there's no knowing why he's resisting. So just step back. You've done all you can.

Original poster
Lookinhin · Today 01:00

Ace56 · Today 00:30

I agree with you, OP. I think you’ve framed this wrong though which is causing others to be unreasonably harsh. The issue isn’t that he hasn’t planned his bday yet, it’s that you have something else on that evening so need to know whether you can attend or not.

Have you directly asked him ‘do you mind if I go to the fundraiser on Friday, or do you have anything planned yet? How about we do xyz as it’s your bday eve? Or do you want to come to the fundraiser with me?’
If he honestly doesn’t mind you going out on Friday, just go and then do something with him on the Saturday.

Honestly though, it isn’t. I wish I hadn’t mentioned the fundraiser. It’s not important. I just want to know what he’s doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · Today 00:56

AnchorWHAT · Yesterday 12:54

Would he perhaps enjoy the fundraiser? Offer him a ticket too then you get to go and spend his birthday with him. Enjoy whatever is decided x

He would not enjoy the fundraiser. He is not a sociable man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · Today 00:55

Millytante · Yesterday 12:45

You reckon? OK
It’s the activity I hated (that brief description was my own unfortunate experience) not the women involved per se, whom I regarded as good mates within a pretty large mixed gang of us in our early thirties.

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Okay. You still sound entirely misogynistic.

OP posts:
Ace56 · Today 00:30

I agree with you, OP. I think you’ve framed this wrong though which is causing others to be unreasonably harsh. The issue isn’t that he hasn’t planned his bday yet, it’s that you have something else on that evening so need to know whether you can attend or not.

Have you directly asked him ‘do you mind if I go to the fundraiser on Friday, or do you have anything planned yet? How about we do xyz as it’s your bday eve? Or do you want to come to the fundraiser with me?’
If he honestly doesn’t mind you going out on Friday, just go and then do something with him on the Saturday.

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 22:28

JoshLymanSwagger · Yesterday 20:44

@Lookinhin Give him until Monday morning. If he hasn't said anything you should carry on with your own stuff and go out with your friends/make your own plans for the weekend.
Let him sort out his own shit.

ETA He doesn't sound like a Partner - he doesn't live with you and is on holiday without you. He seems more a casual "I'm free tonight, fancy a shag" kinda guy.

Edited

He’s on a stag do. He’s never asked me if I fancy a shag.

OP posts:
grinandslothit · Yesterday 21:23

JoshLymanSwagger · Yesterday 20:44

@Lookinhin Give him until Monday morning. If he hasn't said anything you should carry on with your own stuff and go out with your friends/make your own plans for the weekend.
Let him sort out his own shit.

ETA He doesn't sound like a Partner - he doesn't live with you and is on holiday without you. He seems more a casual "I'm free tonight, fancy a shag" kinda guy.

Edited

It really does look this way from many things she said about the relationship. She is going above and beyond for him. He seems quite casual about everything and is really not going above and beyond for her.

JoshLymanSwagger · Yesterday 20:44

@Lookinhin Give him until Monday morning. If he hasn't said anything you should carry on with your own stuff and go out with your friends/make your own plans for the weekend.
Let him sort out his own shit.

ETA He doesn't sound like a Partner - he doesn't live with you and is on holiday without you. He seems more a casual "I'm free tonight, fancy a shag" kinda guy.

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 20:35

grinandslothit · Yesterday 13:01

From your post I'm just getting the impression he'd rather hang out and do things with his mates
He's on holiday with them now
Does he take you on holiday overseas?

He does not take me, no. We equally pay and go on holidays abroad.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · Yesterday 19:53

Such a stressy thread 😰

Jimmyjumpy · Yesterday 18:42

Has it crossed your mind that he doesnt want a big celebration?

AlwaysExtraHot · Yesterday 18:39

Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:39

I have. He’ll decide soon apparently.

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In that case I’d just book a ticket and tell him you’re available to celebrate his birthday on the Saturday.
He’s being selfish and disrespectful.

Copperoliverbear · Yesterday 18:35

Buy him a gift, a card and maybe a balloon and that’s it. If he doesn’t want to organise anything why are you worried about it. If he wants to do for a meal on the day you can still go. You have tired I would not worry about it anymore.

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 13:43

Millytante · Yesterday 12:42

What what what? Did we already know this?
I’ve been picturing him just upstairs, incommunicado, in some he-man gaming room (in the shared house with its mini golf links and darts arena thingy).

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He lives in his own house and is currently on a foreign holiday.

OP posts:
grinandslothit · Yesterday 13:01

From your post I'm just getting the impression he'd rather hang out and do things with his mates
He's on holiday with them now
Does he take you on holiday overseas?

luckylavender · Yesterday 12:56

It’s not all about you. You sound suffocating

SaltyCara · Yesterday 12:55

Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:39

I have. He’ll decide soon apparently.

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I think he's being rude and inconsiderate. If he keeps dithering for much longer and then decides that he wants to see his mates on the Friday evening what are you supposed to do if there aren't any tickets left for the event with your friends?

AnchorWHAT · Yesterday 12:54

Would he perhaps enjoy the fundraiser? Offer him a ticket too then you get to go and spend his birthday with him. Enjoy whatever is decided x

Millytante · Yesterday 12:52

havingoneofthosedays · Yesterday 12:34

8 years is quite a long time for not living together

I guess it rather explains why so many of us are scratching our heads at this entirely unnecessary impasse re the birthday.
The structure of this ‘partners’ relationship isn’t exactly commonplace (on MN that is) and so it is causing a lot of misapprehension and bogglement in an otherwise fairly straightforward discussion.
We are of necessity putting ourselves in OP’s shoes, and it’s clear the fit is a bit off!

Millytante · Yesterday 12:45

Lookinhin · Yesterday 12:41

You misogyny is showing.

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You reckon? OK
It’s the activity I hated (that brief description was my own unfortunate experience) not the women involved per se, whom I regarded as good mates within a pretty large mixed gang of us in our early thirties.

shhblackbag · Yesterday 12:44

You would be stressing me out.

Especially with him being in a different country currently, slow down. Two weeks is plenty for something casual to be planned.