Member of team not communicating well enough or am I too pushy?

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 2026-09-25T09:17:05+00:00

I've started a new job where I manage a group of people and am responsible for organising timetables/work etc. I've been interviewing and hiring staff for the family I work for. They have chosen one candidate and asked me yesterday to ask her to send me her reference contacts. I emailed and Whatsapped her early yesterday morning and no reply, so followed up in the afternoon, still no reply. I cannot continue with the next part of the work without her sending the references and then them potentially hiring her, this affects others and the timetable of work. She was also like this at the beginning of the process too and took two days to get back to me. We are going to have to be working together and it will require quicker responses to run smoothly Am I being unreasonable and if i'm not, what do I do?

Original poster

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · Yesterday 09:24

senua · Yesterday 08:51

Well done for getting it sorted! Hope you had a nice relaxing Friday night.

As well as watching out for the potential-hire, I think that you need to watch out for the family, too. It's not good if she won't communicate but it's not good that you are working until 8 p.m. either. Watch your boundaries!

Yes true!

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:

senua · Yesterday 08:51

Well done for getting it sorted! Hope you had a nice relaxing Friday night.

As well as watching out for the potential-hire, I think that you need to watch out for the family, too. It's not good if she won't communicate but it's not good that you are working until 8 p.m. either. Watch your boundaries!

Original poster

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 20:09

Gone 8 at night and finally off the phone and references sorted-big glass of wine now!

OP posts:

DuggansBakery · 25/09/2026 16:14

If she can’t follow simple instructions on the requirements that you set out earlier in the process, and only communicates by text not phone, she’s a nightmare before she’s even started.

BillieWiper · 25/09/2026 16:04

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 12:41

This is starting to be my worry. I thought it was a bit unusual when she started the process and I asked, but now they just need to check the references and she's gauranteed to start the job pretty much.

Show quote history

Either she supplies the references (which can be verified, what use is Mrs Sue Denim, number redacted, thinks I'm bloody fantastic but refuses to discuss any aspect of my employment with you'?)
by a certain date or you'll need to withdraw the offer and go to person B.

Shedmistress · 25/09/2026 15:48

You need to read the room.

This person is going to be a complete nightmare.

senua · 25/09/2026 15:39

I hope, after all your complaining, that you will respond fairly quickly! Something along the lines of 'thank you for the update'. and drop heavy reminders that the family says no reference means no job.

In your update to family, ask them how long they are willing to wait.

senua · 25/09/2026 15:12

She replied just now saying she was still waiting for the families to give her permission to give their contact....
Is she reading this thread?

JustCraicOn · 25/09/2026 15:02

I find it pretty unacceptable that she hasn’t at least acknowledged the message after 24 hours. She could easily say ‘apologies, I’m still getting hold of ex-employer to get permission to pass on details’. Bearing thqt in mind, one of two things is probable: she’s flaky and unreliable, or she’s stalling because she doesn’t have a positive reference to give (or is hoping to get a different job).
In either scenario you need to show the family you can deal with this by sending an update as Senua recommends.

Edit: x-post with update from OP

Original poster

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 14:59

senua · 25/09/2026 14:49

I'd send an end-of-day/week update to the family. Purely factual, no need to cast shade at this point. But make it clear what (a) you have done and (b) what she hasn't done.
Don't send it five minutes before you clock off; make it at least an hour before that so they have time to discuss it and get back to you, if need be.

It's not just about her, it's about how you (new to the job) are performing, too.

That's it, I want to make sure I look like I'm doing a good job

She replied just now saying she was still waiting for the families to give her permission to give their contact....

OP posts:

senua · 25/09/2026 14:49

I'd send an end-of-day/week update to the family. Purely factual, no need to cast shade at this point. But make it clear what (a) you have done and (b) what she hasn't done.
Don't send it five minutes before you clock off; make it at least an hour before that so they have time to discuss it and get back to you, if need be.

It's not just about her, it's about how you (new to the job) are performing, too.

Original poster

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 14:45

Ablondiebutagoody · 25/09/2026 13:54

I think that you need to back off. Why has the process become such a rush? Its common for the admin around a job offer to take a week or two to sort out. If I was her, I would probably be reconsidering whether I need this level of hassle. It's not her problem that the deadline got so tight.

She told them that her starting date could be next week, they're relying on someone and the rest of the staff need to be organised

She has been online but not opening the messages, just find it a bit odd

OP posts:

Ablondiebutagoody · 25/09/2026 13:54

I think that you need to back off. Why has the process become such a rush? Its common for the admin around a job offer to take a week or two to sort out. If I was her, I would probably be reconsidering whether I need this level of hassle. It's not her problem that the deadline got so tight.

LadyLooo · 25/09/2026 13:12

LongDarkTeatime · 25/09/2026 13:04

You need to let the family know the issue, tell them the time window for her response, after which you’ll need to move to the 2nd choice or re-interview. Obvs tell her too.

She has let them know the issue.

LongDarkTeatime · 25/09/2026 13:04

You need to let the family know the issue, tell them the time window for her response, after which you’ll need to move to the 2nd choice or re-interview. Obvs tell her too.

Original poster

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 12:44

TFImBackIn · 25/09/2026 12:29

I wouldn't want to employ someone like that, OP. She's really rude. She won't answer the phone even though she's not working. She won't send messages to you to clarify anything. I wonder whether she's actually worked for these people and if she did, whether she was fired.

This is my worry now, seems a bit strange

OP posts:

Original poster

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 12:43

Minasama · 25/09/2026 12:21

You can. Someone who doesn’t see the need to communicate in a timely fashion will be hopeless on a team. Always listen to red flags like this.

Show quote history

I do feel like this. i was hoping by the end of today to have everything and everyone in place.
If she gets the job, we'll have to communicate weekly

OP posts:

Original poster

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 12:41

BillieWiper · 25/09/2026 12:17

Hmmm. She's stalling isn't she? Nobody she's ever worked for is prepared to vouch for her personally?
If you can't get their contact details how on earth can you prove they ever employed her? She could have invented them entirely?

Tell your bosses these are red flags and we need to look at second choice as a possibility. If she doesn't have usable references?

Show quote history

This is starting to be my worry. I thought it was a bit unusual when she started the process and I asked, but now they just need to check the references and she's gauranteed to start the job pretty much.

OP posts:

PullTheBricksDown · 25/09/2026 12:40

Minasama · 25/09/2026 12:21

You can. Someone who doesn’t see the need to communicate in a timely fashion will be hopeless on a team. Always listen to red flags like this.

Show quote history

Yep this. Set clear boundaries from here on, using the 'if I don't hear back from you by this date&time, I'll do this / assume this and proceed accordingly'

TFImBackIn · 25/09/2026 12:29

I wouldn't want to employ someone like that, OP. She's really rude. She won't answer the phone even though she's not working. She won't send messages to you to clarify anything. I wonder whether she's actually worked for these people and if she did, whether she was fired.

Minasama · 25/09/2026 12:21

LadyLooo · 25/09/2026 10:20

Have you phoned her?

It sounds a bit annoying but you can't compare it at this stage to how she might actually be as an employee on the payroll.

You can. Someone who doesn’t see the need to communicate in a timely fashion will be hopeless on a team. Always listen to red flags like this.

BillieWiper · 25/09/2026 12:17

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 10:26

She was asked for them at the start and she said please could she wait as the families and people she'd worked for didn't want their private details sending.
She will only get the job after references have been cleared by the family, they are waiting and there were others keen for the job.

Show quote history

Hmmm. She's stalling isn't she? Nobody she's ever worked for is prepared to vouch for her personally?
If you can't get their contact details how on earth can you prove they ever employed her? She could have invented them entirely?

Tell your bosses these are red flags and we need to look at second choice as a possibility. If she doesn't have usable references?

senua · 25/09/2026 12:09

Maybe she is doing the correct thing and checking for permission from her former employers
"Maybe" is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. If only she would communicate then OP wouldn't have to try to second-guess. I remind you that the OP said, "She was also like this at the beginning of the process, too." The potential-hire should have sent a holding message after the first time that OP did a chase-up.

she possibly has a bit more patience than you do, and isn't chasing them.
Or possibly she has another job lined up and she is stringing OP along until she gets the definite go ahead on the other one.

Original poster

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 11:48

She only has to send their email/phone number

OP posts:

Original poster

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 11:48

LetMeGoogleThat · 25/09/2026 11:46

Maybe she is doing the correct thing and checking for permission from her former employers, she possibly has a bit more patience than you do, and isn't chasing them. I'm assuming from the thread these are private families, maybe with vulnerabilities and their turnaround isn't super fast.

No vulnerabilities?

OP posts: