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Original poster

Member of team not communicating well enough or am I too pushy?

48 replies

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 10:17

I've started a new job where I manage a group of people and am responsible for organising timetables/work etc.
I've been interviewing and hiring staff for the family I work for. They have chosen one candidate and asked me yesterday to ask her to send me her reference contacts. I emailed and Whatsapped her early yesterday morning and no reply, so followed up in the afternoon, still no reply. I cannot continue with the next part of the work without her sending the references and then them potentially hiring her, this affects others and the timetable of work. She was also like this at the beginning of the process too and took two days to get back to me. We are going to have to be working together and it will require quicker responses to run smoothly

Am I being unreasonable and if i'm not, what do I do?

OP posts:
LadyLooo · 25/09/2026 10:20

Have you phoned her?

It sounds a bit annoying but you can't compare it at this stage to how she might actually be as an employee on the payroll.

andweallsingalong · 25/09/2026 10:23

2 days is not long to respond, especially if you haven't clearly set out by email a timeline of - congratulations, you've got the job subject to references; please send these through in the next 2 days and confirm you are able to start by X date.

Your timetabling is not her problem. She hasn't even accepted the job yet. If it was so time critical references should have been asked for at application stage.

Original poster
Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 10:26

andweallsingalong · 25/09/2026 10:23

2 days is not long to respond, especially if you haven't clearly set out by email a timeline of - congratulations, you've got the job subject to references; please send these through in the next 2 days and confirm you are able to start by X date.

Your timetabling is not her problem. She hasn't even accepted the job yet. If it was so time critical references should have been asked for at application stage.

She was asked for them at the start and she said please could she wait as the families and people she'd worked for didn't want their private details sending.
She will only get the job after references have been cleared by the family, they are waiting and there were others keen for the job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 10:27

LadyLooo · 25/09/2026 10:20

Have you phoned her?

It sounds a bit annoying but you can't compare it at this stage to how she might actually be as an employee on the payroll.

She never answers her phone

OP posts:
LadyLooo · 25/09/2026 10:30

I emailed and Whatsapped her early yesterday morning and no reply, so followed up in the afternoon, still no reply.

You didn't mention that you've been repeatedly phoning her?

senua · 25/09/2026 10:32

what do I do?
Refer it back to the family. They chose her; they need to know about it, to see if they still want her.
Keep notes. Cover your backside.

GoldMerchant · 25/09/2026 10:35

senua · 25/09/2026 10:32

what do I do?
Refer it back to the family. They chose her; they need to know about it, to see if they still want her.
Keep notes. Cover your backside.

This. It's not your call to make.

That said, I think you were unreasonable to follow up the same day. She might be at work and unable to see messages, she needs to get permission from references etc. I'd have given at least 24 hours, 48 if she sent a holding response. And yes, you need to be clear on timelines: eg we will need references by x date.

If they do hire her, you set clear expectations about communication timelines, but she also needs to be allowed to expect periods where she doesn't reply to messages. If you're employing her 9-5 Monday to Friday, you shouldn't be sending work texts over the weekend unless it's an absolute emergency.

Original poster
Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 10:35

LadyLooo · 25/09/2026 10:30

I emailed and Whatsapped her early yesterday morning and no reply, so followed up in the afternoon, still no reply.

You didn't mention that you've been repeatedly phoning her?

I haven't repeatedly called her, I called her once yesterday and at the start called and she didn't answer and said it's easier to communicate by text

OP posts:
LadyLooo · 25/09/2026 10:38

Ok well it does sound annoying but this is who your employers want to employ, so I guess you'll have to wait it out.

luckylavender · 25/09/2026 10:39

A fair drip drip of information here. But others are correct, this is for the family to decide.

MellowSubmarine · 25/09/2026 10:40

So she needs to let the people she works for know she’s leaving, so that they know a reference request is coming? She might not have had an opportunity to do that in the last 24 hours.

Original poster
Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 10:41

GoldMerchant · 25/09/2026 10:35

This. It's not your call to make.

That said, I think you were unreasonable to follow up the same day. She might be at work and unable to see messages, she needs to get permission from references etc. I'd have given at least 24 hours, 48 if she sent a holding response. And yes, you need to be clear on timelines: eg we will need references by x date.

If they do hire her, you set clear expectations about communication timelines, but she also needs to be allowed to expect periods where she doesn't reply to messages. If you're employing her 9-5 Monday to Friday, you shouldn't be sending work texts over the weekend unless it's an absolute emergency.

Show quote history

No of course, I wouldn't text after hours or weekends, but from 9 yesterday morning and still no reply/acknowledgement is a little frustrating

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 10:42

MellowSubmarine · 25/09/2026 10:40

So she needs to let the people she works for know she’s leaving, so that they know a reference request is coming? She might not have had an opportunity to do that in the last 24 hours.

No, this is old employers, she's not working at the moment. She said they didn't want their details being known. All a bit complicated really
It's showing my messages haven't been seen

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 10:43

luckylavender · 25/09/2026 10:39

A fair drip drip of information here. But others are correct, this is for the family to decide.

There's no drip drip?

OP posts:
MidsummerMadness91 · 25/09/2026 10:45

Ok so you're already getting a heads up here that she's someone who may need set deadlines for things when she starts.

I'd find out what your internal deadline is and communicate that to her. "Hi X. As mentioned, I require your reference details to proceed with the onboarding process. I require these by X date. If these are not received by then, we will treat this as you withdrawing from the recruitment process. Look forward to hearing from you soon".

Original poster
Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 10:45

senua · 25/09/2026 10:32

what do I do?
Refer it back to the family. They chose her; they need to know about it, to see if they still want her.
Keep notes. Cover your backside.

I've just messaged him and said I was doing a quick check in-still waiting to hear back from X and have sent details from another candidate (for a different role) who responds quickly and sent all info in first email

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 10:46

MidsummerMadness91 · 25/09/2026 10:45

Ok so you're already getting a heads up here that she's someone who may need set deadlines for things when she starts.

I'd find out what your internal deadline is and communicate that to her. "Hi X. As mentioned, I require your reference details to proceed with the onboarding process. I require these by X date. If these are not received by then, we will treat this as you withdrawing from the recruitment process. Look forward to hearing from you soon".

Yes, i'm not sure this bodes well for the future

OP posts:
JoshLymanSwagger · 25/09/2026 10:47

senua · 25/09/2026 10:32

what do I do?
Refer it back to the family. They chose her; they need to know about it, to see if they still want her.
Keep notes. Cover your backside.

^This.

You need to keep them informed, so they know it's her not you dragging their feet.

They might not be bothered and be happy to wait, or they may decide not to employ her if her lack of response to your important messages/requests have been ignored.

LadyLooo · 25/09/2026 10:51

Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 10:46

Yes, i'm not sure this bodes well for the future

Show quote history

But she's not your colleague yet.

When/if she becomes employed by your employers, she may be completely different.

C152 · 25/09/2026 11:03

You're too pushy. One written request with a clear deadline is sufficient. There's no need to contact someone twice in one day (and I may be too old and too corporate, but I wouldn't be WhatsApping someone who's not even an employee yet.)

I also see her point about not wanting to give references until she's got the job - that's advice that's regularly given now. That being said, if you've made her a clear offer 'subject to references', she could have communicated her actions more clearly e.g. advising she's chasing referees and will revert by x date. I wouldn't overlay her actions with thoughts of 'this doesn't bode well' yet, when it could just be a communication issue. Be professional, make sure requests are in writing, and include deadlines and a brief explanation of what will happen if the deadline is missed.

senua · 25/09/2026 11:07

she didn't answer and said it's easier to communicate by text
If she does get appointed then you need to nip that in the bud. You get to set the comms method, not her.
If you do agree to text comms then insist that she replies within XXX working hours.

Original poster
Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 11:32

senua · 25/09/2026 11:07

she didn't answer and said it's easier to communicate by text
If she does get appointed then you need to nip that in the bud. You get to set the comms method, not her.
If you do agree to text comms then insist that she replies within XXX working hours.

Yes definitely!

OP posts:
LetMeGoogleThat · 25/09/2026 11:46

Maybe she is doing the correct thing and checking for permission from her former employers, she possibly has a bit more patience than you do, and isn't chasing them. I'm assuming from the thread these are private families, maybe with vulnerabilities and their turnaround isn't super fast.

Original poster
Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 11:48

LetMeGoogleThat · 25/09/2026 11:46

Maybe she is doing the correct thing and checking for permission from her former employers, she possibly has a bit more patience than you do, and isn't chasing them. I'm assuming from the thread these are private families, maybe with vulnerabilities and their turnaround isn't super fast.

No vulnerabilities?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow · 25/09/2026 11:48

She only has to send their email/phone number

OP posts: