To ask for your best responses to ‘gender disappointment’

For the most part I think it's just crappy filler conversation. However when I found out I was having a second girl my mum said 'oh, are you disappointed?' and my dad said 'oh well, you'll just have to try again for a boy' ...!!!

As the older sister to a clear favourite younger brother these comments from my parents really bothered me.

Anyway, Im due my third girl any day now, which I'm delighted about. I'll even admit it's partly because I know they'll be disappointed which is immature of me but I don't care!

Use your voice! Say that!
We are so grateful to be here at all, we don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s healthy!

I feel some of the time it’s projection that they’ve experienced gender disappointment themselves, or that they’re smug at having the ‘perfect’ set up of one of each, and looking down their noses at those of us who don’t.

I was 6-months pregnant with our 2nd daughter and we were at the wedding of one of my husband’s colleagues. Had a lovely exchange with another guest. “Ooooh 2 girls… good luck! So much bitchiness.”
My husband replied with “I have no worries about bitchiness, MrsMessyy isn’t giving birth to you.”
He still cringes about it, wishes he’d said something more clever and less playground-esque.

People are strange. You can’t win either way.
I have 2 girls (well, young women now!😢), and my brother & sister-in-law have 3 boys.
I’ve had the usual comments about girls being moody ‘little madams’ (cannot tell you how much I HATE that term) and how my husband probably would’ve loved a son, and my SIL had the “aw how sad you don’t get a mini-me.” It’s ridiculous and sad that these stereotypes are pinned to babies that haven’t even exited the womb.

In our case, our daughters and nephews have all been equally as hormonal, moody, and demanding; but are also just as kind, loving, and caring as each other. It’s not a boy/girl thing, it’s just part of growing up and a product of how they’ve been parented. I was a little shit when I was younger, but that’s because my younger brother was quite clearly the golden child and I was begging for attention, not just because I’m a girl.

Have no shame in telling them that actually, after a difficult journey, you are just truly grateful.

Many parents would prefer the opportunity to parent both boys and girls, so a little gender disappointment is completely normal and probably fairly common

Lots of people commented about this during my second pregnancy, and I imagine people get more comments during subsequent pregnancies (if still only having had one gender).

It’s just small talk and not that deep.

Then why cant they simply say congratulations! how wonderful!- thats really not hard is it?!

Bloody hell, I had things like "oh, you can always try again for a girl" when I had my second boy as if my baby was just some inconvenience on the way to having a girl- its rude as hell when you've literally just had a baby and its BS to suggest there is literally nothing else to say to someone 🤣

We had the same when we found out our baby's gender. We had a very tragic loss before that so it was absolutely joyous for us. Comments came at us like , "was dh disappointed, did he want a boy....

We had just burried our baby twin boys months before and this crap was being thrown at us.

What I always say is. Disappointed? No I'm just happy he/she is safe and healthy. Cant wait to meet them." It shuts them up because they sound silly going on about gender disapointment when pregnancy and fertility is so fickle.

They should know better if your journey has been tough x

After my second son was born, a complete stranger (a man) asked me if the baby was a girl. When I said another boy, he said ‘oh what a shame, I bet you’re gutted!’ I was stunned. It hadn’t occurred to me to be anything less than delighted. Some people are ridiculous and to be honest, all this supposed preference for one of each is often based on an advertiser’s idea of the perfect family.

God, I remember this when we had DS, whom we knew would be our only child. My two otherwise nice and sane SILs were all over me with sympathy: ‘Are you gutted, ‘I’m so sorry, Bletting! It’s just the roll of the dice isn’t it?’, and ‘You’ll get over it in time!’ as though we’d just discovered a serious genetic condition in utero!

I genuinely had had no preference at all (we’d planned to stay childfree, so I was enjoying pregnancy as a weird and interesting experience I hadn’t expected to have, and keeping my scan photos on my bedside table and looking at them happily when I woke up at night for a wee), and said so, but the mad thing was that these two nice women, with whom I’d always had a good relationship, simply didn’t believe me and kept patting my hand and saying ‘You’re being very brave!’ and clearly thinking I was concealing intense distress. One of them gave me a sympathy card telling me she understood and I could talk to her at any time!

What was eye-opening is what I found out about my SILs (DH’s sisters) that I’d never known, although I’d been around them for many years at that point (but they’d both had their children young). Both had been desperate for a daughter and had gone on having boys (two in one case, three in the other) until they ‘got their girl’, despite one of them being told, after a dangerous birth that she shouldn’t have another child.

The sad, but I suppose not unexpected thing, is that both treated their daughters entirely differently to their sons (princess, mini-me, shopping and pamper parties stuff) until the daughters grew old enough to reject that, and neither are close to their mothers in adulthood. The daughters feel rejected for not being sufficiently ‘girlie’ and my SILs are disappointed their precious girls whom they longed to have, have both chosen to be unmarried (though partnered) and childfree and not do the weddings/grandchildren thing they’d expected.

If they ask if you're disappointed just say "no I'm delighted!"

We recently found out number 3 is a girl, we've already got a girl and a boy and genuinely haven't had a preference at any point. But MIL has a strong preference for boys, had three boys herself and has constantly complained about being surrounded by girls (which is bollocks, she's got 5 grandchildren, 3 boys, 2 girls so this baby will just even it out) and tries to make DD and my niece fit into some sort of little women role.

Anyway the kids were really excited to call their grandparents and tell them, so I gave mil and advance warning call, and told her she'd better get her face straight and leave them under the impression she's delighted they are getting a sister. 🤣

It worked, kind of......

Yes, it’s infuriating. In my case we were delighted to have three healthy ds. When the 3rd was born after a few years gap, on discovering this people would openly head tilt and say things like - ‘3 boys, poor you’ and ‘I bet you were hoping for a girl’ in front of the other two!! I just used to say very firmly ‘no, actually, I love having 3 boys!’ (which I did and do!) People can be so crass!

Heh. Yep.

Also it genuinely is just (irritating) small talk. No-one really cares what your babies are, I'm afraid!

ETA that maybe I'm wrong, because:
God, I remember this when we had DS, whom we knew would be our only child. My two otherwise nice and sane SILs were all over me with sympathy: ‘Are you gutted, ‘I’m so sorry, Bletting! It’s just the roll of the dice isn’t it?’, and ‘You’ll get over it in time!’ as though we’d just discovered a serious genetic condition in utero!

Jeeze.

I didn't have my dks the standard 2 years apart for many reasons..I had complete strangers comment on the age gaps. Gender,I would tell them is a man made construct. Babies usually come in one of 2 sexes,boy or girl.

I am so glad this is being talked about!

I absolutely hated this. We have all the same gender and in response to telling people I got all sorts including, ‘oh no! Not another one!’ And ‘your poor husband.’ (As I was just coming through 18 solid weeks of relentless morning sickness 😒)

It’s something I personally hate and think people need to do better at considering their responses to this situation. I had a couple of people say ‘oh, congratulations! ‘ and that meant a lot at what was a really fragile time for me for various reasons.

Thanks for raising it.

I am so sorry to hear this. People can be so thoughtless. -That is worse than thoughtless though. Sounds like she had her own preferences but honestly you don’t let that show ! 😟😕 You’re so lucky to have two lovely boys. 💕💕

Yes, definitely not small talk in their case. The ‘You must be really upset, it’s ok to admit it! Men don’t understand because they want boys!’ thing went on for weeks, if not months! I think partly because they couldn’t do the ‘Better luck next time’ thing because we wouldn’t be having more children.

And I should say again that these are two sane, nice women I’d always got on well with! They simply couldn’t accept I didn’t view with future as the mother of an only son as some kind of tragedy.😃

I am one of 3 girls and when I had my first baby, a boy, multiple people said to me "I bet your Dad is pleased it's a boy!" Yes, finally after 30 years of only having daughters he FINALLY has a grandson 🙄

It actually also irritated me just how thrilled some family members were when my second was a girl "oh I was SO hoping you'd have a girl this time" - I had 2 miscarriages between my first and my second and so I was just relieved to have a healthy baby. Maybe I was being sensitive but it just made me wonder if they would have been disappointed if it was a boy. Why does it matter!

If it bothers you this much you clearly do have an issue with it. Otherwise just answer honestly 'no I am delighted. Obviously I would be happy with either sex, but i secretly wanted same sex' or if you don't want to disclose just say 'No I am delighted to be having another child of either sex'

This and it would stop everyone sticking their noses in too.

You'd think adults would realise that all long is the baby is healthy and well that's all that matters.

Some people are such assholes.

When one of my parents best friends commented how disappointed I must be, I asked "Which of my beautiful and perfect sons do you suggest I swap for a girl?"

My Dad laughed and said "Too bloody right! That told you, Brian. Think before opening your gob next time."

This is a great response! Wish I’d had thought of this in the past. 😄

I had this when I told people I was expecting DS2. My response was "after two miscarriages in six months I am delighted to be this far along with what appears to be a healthy baby. His sex is completely irrelevant" <Paddington stare>

Cue a few gapes and shifty mumbles.

Would have loved one of each originally tbh but what we went through, plus the absolute awesomeness of DS2 and the lovely, loving bond he has with ds1 make me realise everything turned out exactly as it should be.

Good luck!

Just make it awkward.

”Aren’t you disappointed”
”Yes bitterly so”

or

“didn’t you want one of each”
“yes, so we’re going to raise them as a girl anyway” if it’s 2 boys….

i understand some folk want to know the sex of their unborn but I just don’t understand telling all and sundry. I’ve two girls and any comments about not having a boy are met with a similar response to yours @teawamutuSame when I get comments about the age gap, in fact that one irritates me more as my two have always got along and are great pals. I’m bloody thrilled with my two and feel very lucky that we had them fairly straightforwardly despite not starting until I was in my late 30s.

🤣🤣🤣 This