Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to ask my mum to do childcare?

41 replies

Whowillbuymyribbons · 24/09/2026 16:23

My mum is desperate to look after my baby, but she is a difficult character and we haven’t got on for years. She can’t ask to look after her, she wants it to be asked for as a favour, so then you have to be grateful. There’s a whole backstory, but I don’t think it is relevant. I just don’t want to be put in a position where I have to be grateful to her- she uses it as a power dynamic.

I have now heard from my sister (who she does childcare for) that she doesn’t know how I’ll cope and is hurt I haven’t asked her to do nursery pick ups like she does for my sister.

The thing is, I really don’t need the help, but also don’t want to rely on her. If she wants to see the baby the door is always open to her, but I just find it frustrating that she is complaining because she wants alone time with baby, but she wants me to ask for it!!!

OP posts:
5128gap · 24/09/2026 19:15

Turn it back on her. "I don't need any help looking after DD mum. In fact I really enjoy it. But I don't want you to feel you're missing out, so if you'd like to pick her up now and again, just ask and of course you can".

Hatty65 · 24/09/2026 19:05

This is easy. She doesn't want to spend time with you, and you don't with her. You don't need to.

She can make whatever comments she likes to anyone else. If they repeat them to you just look at them and say something neutral like, 'does she?' and then change the subject. I'd tell my sister I didn't want to hear about Mum's moans.

Original poster
Whowillbuymyribbons · 24/09/2026 18:46

Helpmefindmysoul · 24/09/2026 18:12

Just say that you are grateful she wants to help and should you need it you will let her know. In the meantime she’s welcome to visit the baby to build a relationship

I think the thing is she’d rather have baby when I’m not around and I’m just not letting that happen. It’s a mix of she doesn’t really like me, wants to be able to do what she wants with baby without comment and likes to be able to say to her friends how important and trusted she is.
She knows she can see baby as much as she wants, but won’t because she doesn’t want to spend time with me.

OP posts:
Helpmefindmysoul · 24/09/2026 18:12

Just say that you are grateful she wants to help and should you need it you will let her know. In the meantime she’s welcome to visit the baby to build a relationship

Purplecatshopaholic · 24/09/2026 18:03

Ignore. Then continue to ignore. You can tell your sis to butt out too, it’s none of her business.

SweatySpider321 · 24/09/2026 17:59

Ignore her nonsense especially the “l don’t know how you will cope” manipulation. It will be way too much drama and more trouble than it’s worth. Why is your sister feeding into it?

Morecoffeeneedef · 24/09/2026 17:34

Whowillbuymyribbons · 24/09/2026 16:30

Because she keeps making pointed comments to me, and when I have been ignoring them and refusing to engage with it she has started to loop in other family members

Show quote history

That's not your problem, but if you want to stop her drooping hints just say BTW Mum we have pickups and childcare sorted so don't need your help at the moment, but you are welcome to visit at weekends (or whatever).

AmnesiacsDream · 24/09/2026 16:57

Stop worrying about it. Be confident in your decision not to ask her. Roll your eyes if family members mention her complaining. Tell her (and any one else who expresses concern) "Of course I've got it sorted." if she asks you how you manage with something. And spend less time with her if you aren't getting anything out of it.

Also, if you haven't got on for years, should you really reconsider the idea that she can have your DC for the asking? Is she actually going to be a good person for your DC to spend time with?

Lmnop22 · 24/09/2026 16:43

I would just say you don’t need the help with nursery etc at the moment but she’s always welcome to ask if she wants to see your baby and you’ll make the baby available!

If other family members say she’s hurt at not being asked to help, reiterate to them that you simply don’t need help and like picking up your own baby but will keep her in mind if/when you do need help at some point - a perfectly reasonable response!

cartagenagina · 24/09/2026 16:42

Tell family members not to get involved, you don’t want to hear it.

ThirdStorm · 24/09/2026 16:41

"Thanks for the offer, but I don't need any help" on repeat. I think you will have to ignore everything else.

Freya1542 · 24/09/2026 16:34

@Whowillbuymyribbons "she keeps making pointed comments"

Could you just say that you are lucky enough not to need the help?

Coconutter24 · 24/09/2026 16:33

Whowillbuymyribbons · 24/09/2026 16:30

Because she keeps making pointed comments to me, and when I have been ignoring them and refusing to engage with it she has started to loop in other family members

Show quote history

I’d just say to your mum ‘if you want to look after baby for a couple hours just ask me’. Rather than ignoring her because she obviously keeps mentioning it

Original poster
Whowillbuymyribbons · 24/09/2026 16:30

Nuttyrubble · 24/09/2026 16:28

I'm not really sure what the issue is....you don't want her to look after the baby....she won't look after the baby until you ask. So don't ask, ignore your sister and carry on with your life with less stress!

Edited

Because she keeps making pointed comments to me, and when I have been ignoring them and refusing to engage with it she has started to loop in other family members

OP posts:
Didimum · 24/09/2026 16:29

What's the issue? Don't ask her and move on as you are.

Nuttyrubble · 24/09/2026 16:28

I'm not really sure what the issue is....you don't want her to look after the baby....she won't look after the baby until you ask. So don't ask, ignore your sister and carry on with your life with less stress!

Swipe left for the next trending thread