AIBU not to reduce my children’s Christmas presents to match stepchildren’s?

I was raised in a successful blended family and I hate the “step families aren’t real families” crap that gets spouted on here.

That said, I don’t really understand why your SC aren’t old enough to understand that 100% of your DC’s Christmas presents will be provided by you, where only 50% of SC’s presents will come from your household with the other 50% (or more from what you have said) will come at their mum’s?

I think having a frank discussion with your SC well in advance (so, soonish) to tell them how it will be and to explain why and point out other discrepancies like that they have more activities that cost more than your DC etc should be fine. I can’t see how they could still feel that things were unfair if it’s all explained and broken down for them. They’re not that young.

ETA: you could wrap the same amount of presents from you and DP as you do for the SC and the rest from Santa, as presumably the older children won’t be writing to Santa this year?

He needs to save more through the year, it's not your fault he doesn't and can't afford the same. I presume their mother also gets them gifts, equally your kids dad gets them gifts

It's an easy fix if you are worried about what your step children will think if you spend more on your kids - just give your kids some of their presents later in the day. I'm not sure why this is even something you have to think about, it's such a simple solution.

We used to do this anyway with our kids - Santa and some presents in the morning, then a couple of presents after lunch, a few later in the day. The kids loved this as they got to open presents almost all day!

You mention that your step-kids will get presents from their mum later in the day - what about your kids dad? Is he on the scene? Will they get presents from him at some point?

His children are 12 & 14 @HelloEveryoneHere . They are old enough to understand your situation and they should certainly have some understanding around the fact that your children won't be going somewhere else later in the day to receive more presents. I would be worried if they didn't have any sympathy about that at their ages.

Never make your children's world smaller to make others feel bigger. If this is going to become a problem then he needs to move out until your children are grown. Your children only have you, protect them.

Will a 12 and 14 year old really be able estimate the total cost of each of the piles - do they know what things cost for a 4, 6, 8 year old? or will they be looking at the size of the pile? IME 12-14 year olds want totally different types of thing from younger kids. I'd also be surprised if the teenagers dont "get" that younger kids presents/toys tend to be bigger and teenage and adult presents get smaller! and I expectthat your teenage DC well understand the younger kids get presents only in one house whereas the teens get 2.

£300 worth sounds like a LOT of unwrapping for the younger kids unless you buy especially high-ticket items. Holding some back sounds smart.

Based on the children's ages I think your dp should be honest with his 2 about the logistics... They can totally get it that they have 2 homes (and 2 lots of presents) and your children only have one.
Wishing you and your family a lovely Christmas ☺️

I'm not seeing how this living arrangement benefits you or your children. Can you explain how it does?

You're both right in your own ways I think. I don't think you should give your kids less for the reasons you have stated. However when young I was the stepchild that always got less and it leaves a lasting scar and resentment. In fact I've not had any contact with my dad and stepmother for about 25 years now. They genuinely gave us a lot less, your family isn't doing that but perceived unfairness is just as damaging as actual unfairness. I'd explain the situation to your kids and put half their presents away to open together without the stepchildren there. 💐

great idea

You need to start putting your children first. What is this man adding to your life? He's demanded rooms for his part-time children while yours have to share. Now he's demanding you reduce your spending on your children so his can have more. Is he always like this?

Be better off living separately surely if this is your arrangements

From my perspective it is the 12 year old that is driving this. She is the one who is calculating who got what and what it cost. It probably comes from a place of insecurity and now is the right time for your partner to be having some one on one time with her and talking about boundaries and manners and reassure her that she is loved.

Give each other's children a token gift on Christmas day.

Each spend the usual amount on your own children.

Remind his children that they'll also receive gifts at their mother's house.

You don't seem to understand what a compromise is.

This is a great idea. Can be a simple ‘and there’ll be more later for everyone…’ if needed xx

If it's money spent that you're worried about, could one of your kids' presents be going to see Disney on Ice or going to Lapland UK or something? So they're not being short changed, but equally they don't have the enormous present pile to compare with SC. You could do this before Christmas so it's not part of the gift giving. It sounds like DH's family are one that prioritise experiences over physical gifts anyway, so this would align your kids' and SC's experiences a bit more in general.
I must say, reading this, it felt like this argument was as much about parenting philosophies as it was gifts. I'm also someone who would rather spend money on extracurricular activities than piles of plastic tat that get played with once then clutter up my living space. But like you, I wouldn't want to short change my kids.
I think your DH also needs to have a talking to to his daughter about comparing presents with the little kids and maybe lay out the present buying metric as you have here. I'm sure she's jealous of your DC that they get her dad 100% of the time, so it might be worth reminding her that your DC don't get anything from their dad, and please not to rub in their face that she has two parents involved in her life and they don't.

I think thats is probably what I'd do.

I deal with a 6 year age gap, and I try to make sure they a have the same number of things to unwrap. And if that means 2 books get wrapped separately or 2 books get wrapped together to even up the numbers, then fine.

I never stress over budgets.
Same number to open and maybe keep a few back for later.

So OP’s kids don’t matter then ? It’s fine to alter the dynamic and for OP to buy less for her own kids, thereby giving them the impression that they are not as important as part of a blended family, as long as step kids get what they want ? OP is a single parent. One set of gifts for her kids. Her DP has an ex so his kids get two sets of gifts. Why would you want OP’s kids to get even less ?

OP its perfectly simple and it absolutely isn’t your problem. Your DP explains to his children that you and he buy separately for your respective children and that you spend a bit more because you are the sole parent, and unlike them, your kids don’t get to go to a second parent for more gifts. There is no disparity here except the one he’s creating.

How old are his kids? Could you not just explain that they get half their presents from you/their dad and the rest from their mum and your children only have presents from you. Personally wouldn’t change my plans for my children’s presents due to someone else having an issue.

It absolutely isn’t irrelevant what happens in the other parents’ house. The fact is that DSC get two rounds of gifts. OP’s children only get one. There is no disparity and absolutely no reason for them to complain. Except on MN where the little darlings are entitled to absolutely everything because they’re step kids.

Why ? OP is a sole parent. Her kids aren’t going to another parent and getting more gifts later in the day, unlike the step children. I don’t see a disparity here. At all.

They are 12 and 14!! There is an 8 year age gap between my own dc and the elder understood that they would have different amounts of gifts based on their ages, different family members etc.

Blending also means understanding differences between dc. Only on mumsnet have I encountered the 'treat them all the same' trope.

OP, this is easily remedied by either holding some gifts back for later in the day or insisting to your dp that it is on him to explain the distribution of gifts and that overall his dc get more due to their mum. At 12 and 14 they can easily understand this.

I suspect it's more about his ego and not wanting to be scrutinised in some way by his own dc when faced with piles of gifts from your dc. You have included them in Christmas eve boxes and should not modify your plans for your own dc because it suits your dp for everything to match. Remind him things can't always 'match' and that 2 of your dc have to share a bedroom.

They are being treated equally. DP’s children get two sets of gifts. OP’s get one. Where is the disparity ?

Of course both sexes can be abusive.

However, statistically it’s staggering that children are more at risk of harm from unrelated males rather than females.