AIBU not to reduce my children’s Christmas presents to match stepchildren’s?

I still think you’re focusing on the wrong thing. Make the most of being a big, busy family. His kids obviously like the excitement that younger children generate at Christmas. And I’m assuming your children also like having bigger siblings to play with them. None of them are going to be counting presents if they are having fun.

My point about equalising spending on children across the board wasn’t that your children should/ would get less or that your stepchildren should give up an activity, it was that at the moment your household spends a total of (if I calculated correctly!) £7,680 per year on activities and Christmas gifts; £860 for each of your children and £2,550 for each of his. Spending on his children is higher so if he wants you to equalise the Christmas spending to make it ‘fairer’ he should be offering to equalise the activity (and any other) spending to make that ‘fairer’ too. If he’s happy to have different levels of spending on activities he should also understand there will be different levels of spending on gifts and other things.

Op it makes sense what you do, esp if Dads family aren't involved either.

Would your kids not want to do more out of school activities too?

But I'd be clear to the older kids, they get from both parents, the little ones only get from you.
Also often what older kids are looking for is more pricey than younger kids.

I could be wrong but I wonder from what you’ve said if there’s an element of snobbery from your DP, who thinks that spending on activities is more ‘worthy’ than spending on gifts and that’s part of why he wants you to reduce your spend? Could it be linked to the fact his ex-wife/ partner sounds like she spends quite a lot on gifts?

I think that either you equalise spending on children across the board (including gifts, activities, clothing etc) or you don’t, but if you don’t he can’t dictate your spending on gifts.

Spread the presents out for your kids.

I read your latest update so what I’d do is do three lots - morning presents equal to DSC - then a few while DP takes his kids to their Mum. Then the final lot at your parents - those you can have wrapped and delivered ahead of the day to save time.

Will be better for your kids to spread the fun of opening out, and also keep them occupied at your parents.

@HelloEveryoneHere what does the wider families do?

Do both sets of grandparents, Aunts / Uncles keep the children completely equal too?

Because that could be another gripe his then effectively have 3 sets of Grandparents.

Can’t you keep presents back for your DC that they can then have after they go to their mums? That seems like the obvious choice.

Op you will never ever win an argument involving step children on Mumsnet. For what it’s worth I don’t think you abu. They get two of everything, your kids don’t. It’s actually quite simple when you think about it. I would hold some of your kids presents back though for later in the day as you don’t want to rub it in the stepkids faces.

I think his kids are old enough to understand that they have lots more presents to get later at home, while yours are getting all of theirs in the morning. And that it’s not nice to compare.

Well your DH can either chose to spend his £400 pm "activity money" 5 ways rather than 2 (thrn you split the present budget) or he can stay in his lane. He's incredibly cheeky to be fine for his dc to get £200 pm each on activities whilst yours get £30ish each and then moan about biannual gifts!!!!

Why shouldn't Op spend a little more on hers if she is the only person buying for them.

There has to be equality somewhere.

You're noy a blended family at all. The kids should all ve your kids as in yours and his. Your income for things like birthdays, christmas, family holidays that you take the kids on should be in a shared kitty. The school funds for them all should be a collective. That's not to say dont have your own money and only you have access but you each chose each other knowing you both had kids. You are absolutely an AH in the biggest possible way. You don't have a blended family. You have two families where the kids from one occasionally holiday with the wicked step mother!

Read Cinderella! Way to breed resentment amongst everyone.

Another one saying do half your kids presents later when they have gone to their mums.

At their ages its really good to spread the presents out as well so they get a chance to appreciate each one before opening the next

Given the age gap I think it’s fine not to be fully aligned. Make sure both get Christmas Eve boxes and stockings. Then for the older 2 maybe find a couple of things to bulk out what they get - box of chocolates, clothes they might be getting anyway etc

That's a good point.

Is your partner planning to reduce his spending on his children's activities so your children and his can do equal activities? Is he planning to increase his spending on your children's activities so your children and his can do equal activities?

Nah, I didn't think so.

I think you are being awkward by ignoring the suggestion of holding some presents back til later. What does it matter if they don't get everything at once? That's often overload any way. You will probably find that yours are just as happy with what they are given earlier in the day and perhaps realise a pile of presents is not necessary.
Also to add you seem to equate spending more with more presents - that won't always be the case and even with your own kids you will have to manage this e.g. when the 8 year old is a bit older and wants a switch for example that will cost more than buying toys for the 5 year old so technically the 5 year old would get more presents but the same value.

Can't believe some of the replies on here. 12 and 14 year olds are able to understand that they are getting 2 sets of presents from 2 parents whereas OP's are getting their presents from their mums which is why their will be monetary difference.

Do what you always do OP and if your partner is worried about how his kids will perceive it he should talk to them beforehand to manage their expectations. Don't take away from your kids for kids who are already getting more than them.

Maybe the children should know that you keep things separate.

Or at least know your children get all their gifts at your house while they get half theirs at your house and the other half at their other parents.

Your partner is actually saying that your children should have less at the end of the day than his children.

Same with the rooms.

You need to step back and look at this. How much are your children losing here?

So you get to give your children half what they normally get, his kids get the same, then they go to their Mum and get the same amount again. So they will end up with double He's lost the plot.
Give the kids some of the gifts when his kids are there and the rest when they are at their mums getting more.

Doesn’t matter that the step kids have two sets of parents. It’s about YOUR family unit treating them the same. There will always be disparity outside a blended family in many ways. But what’s the point in becoming that unit if you’re going to start totting up who gets what from outside? How petty.

Another person who doesn't understand the concept.

This.