We have a toddler together. Her dad has MS and gets significant fatigue/physical limitations. I genuinely don’t fault him for that and I’m not expecting him to do things he physically can’t do.
He sees DD twice a week at my house for around 4-6 hours. He’ll play with her/supervise her so I can relax or pop to the shops, usually for an hour or two. But I need to do most of the childcare. He will change nappies and supervise her eating lunch or dinner. On Fridays his mum has DD overnight and he visits his mum’s Friday for a couple hours, and Saturday for a few hours. And his mum takes charge of her care. But this will change soon to my home/no overnight with nan. That’s another story.
He lives alone but his house has never been set up for a baby/toddler and DD has only been there a handful of times. He doesn’t know things like her routine, nappy size or shoe size. He pays £160 a month, although if I’m struggling and ask for another £20 for something like soft play he’ll usually send it without an issue. He doesn’t work and receives maximum PIP and UC. Tbh child maintenance would set it at £7 a week as he doesn’t work.
I do have another child, not bio his, but has been in his life for 5 years and considers him his own.
Meanwhile I’m the default parent 24/7. I have another child, chronic health problems and ADHD. Im up pretty late recent weeks writing job applications (NHS.. if you know, you know) and at uni part time. Money is tight and I’m trying really hard to build a decent future for my kids. My entire life/home obviously revolves around them.
He has a lot more freedom. Can sleep/wake when he wants, goes on holidays and to festivals, dates, sees friends/goes to the pub etc. I’m NOT saying he shouldn’t do those things because he’s disabled or a dad.
There’s also probably some historical resentment on my side. He cheated on me which led to the break up just before pregnancy, and about 5 weeks postpartum, although we technically weren’t properly together, he was staying at mine, sharing my bed and we were essentially behaving like a couple. Then with 3 days’ notice he announced he was going on holiday and I found out it was with another woman.
A friend recently pointed out that although his MS obviously limits the physical childcare he can do, it doesn’t really explain why he doesn’t know basic things about DD or take more responsibility for the nonphysical side of parenting. I’d never really looked at it that way before.
I just don’t think he takes much authority (right word?) or initiative as a dad. He asks me permission to take her to visit his dad or visit places while at his mums (I said.. she’s your daughter too, you have PR ? Im not some gate keeping mother). Everything about her routine, needs, teething, what she wants, his mum asks me. Because he has no idea, and he doesn’t take much interest to understand.
But we are on good terms, obviously there’s some hard feelings on my side, due to history. But I haven’t let this show, I just want my daughter to have time with her dad.
Also to point out, he’s never copped out of contact with her, although he’s 9 times out of 10 an hour late. He does clearly love her, interacts and plays with her when he’s around her. She knows he’s daddy and she adores him too.
AIBU to feel like I’ve perhaps excused too much because of his disability, and that he could take more responsibility as her dad even if that doesn’t mean doing 50/50 physical childcare? Or am I letting old relationship resentment colour how I see this?