AIBU to worry about my stepson's aggression towards the younger children?

Based on my personal experience I’d have to disagree.

My DM split from my father when I was very young (not my DM’s fault). I grew up with my stepdad and he and my mum had another DC who I grew up with and we have always treated each other as full siblings. We are still very close - live close by, her kids play with mine etc. When our mutual elderly relatives needed care, we worked together as a team. I’m glad I didn’t have to go through that alone and I’m glad that my DC have cousins close by.

My DF went on to have another family and I have three siblings on his side. I didn’t grow up with them as I never saw my DF but I get on with all of them now and we meet up a few times a year.

OP’s stepson may not like the current scenario which does sound stressful but he may come to appreciate and value his siblings in later life.

OP have you had any niggling worries that he might have been bullied at school ? Because a lot of his behaviour suggests that. Bullied children often become bullies.
The other issue is that he is the only child of your group who hasn’t had his parents together ever, so there may be a lot of jealousy about that. He has two (half) siblings by the sound of it ? Or is it three ? Is he close to any of these ?
Your DH definitely needs to start talking to him about his aggressive behaviour, in particular his behaviour around his three year old sister. Finding a way of actually talking to him about this, maybe while driving him somewhere, might be illuminating.
Calling any girl “fat bitch” should mean instant consequences, ditto any violence. Your DH does need to take this very seriously now, because if he doesn’t, his son is very likely to end up in real trouble in a few years time.
His Mum needs to understand this too. ‘Gentle’ parenting is often just lazy parenting I feel. There is nothing gentle about walloping a toddler and calling a girl a fat bitch.

He needs a good bollocking from his father over how to treat girls and women. Like a really big one, he needs to know he is crossing the line here. I would also tell the 9 year old she will not be punished for hitting back. She must feel terrorised in her own home, not even able to defend herself. Frankly, if she put him on his arse, it wouldn't be a bad thing.

If either of my boys did this, shit would go down. They would be in no uncertainty that it is no one else's responsibility to manage their tempers and if they kept it up, I'd be smacking their backsides and seeing how they liked it.

Poor boy obviously has issues being stuck in these two blended 'families' - think I counted a total of eight children?

You are not being unreasonable to worry about his aggressive behaviour

He doesn't have to stay single and celibate. But he also has to realize the impact that bringing new people and new kids and having more children in his home has had on his son. This is also happening at the mom's house too. This is ongoing.

It's really obvious his son was not his first priority and now your daughters are affected by his son's acting out physically with them. Your husband's laissez faire parenting style is hurting, not helping. He's stuck his head in the sand to get what he wants and everyone is the loser here. Your shared child barely sees her dad.

And here's his kid bullying your girls and your husband, instead of seeing to therapy for him, is going to take him off on a trip. Again, priorities and parenting style are fucked up and that leads to serious issues that will compound over the years.

There's no easy answer. Your family is mangled, not blended.

So what do you do when he calls your DD (or any other girl) a fat bitch @Wafflecakes ? And what did you do when he pushed over the little one? Do you get to discipline him in the moment?

There's no way I'd be in a relationship where I was not able to discipline a young child behaving like this. And if your husband isn't happy with you doing so, he can see his child at his parents'.

My son is 8 and if he started being violent to younger children I'd be horrified and want to get to the bottom of it. It isn't normal, my son isn't violent, nor are his friends or my friends kids. And none of them would call girls fat bitches!

The fact his mum works for social services and isn't concerned or doing anything is pretty poor.

I personally think everyone should stick to having children within one relationship for the sake of the children, you don’t need to collect children from relationships like medals.

She’s got to try to validate herself and her position, she absolutely sees herself and her children as superior.

He doesn’t need to stay single. But equally it is absolutely not necessary to “blend” families and it is entirely inappropriate to have further children. It’s disruptive and your SS is the biggest loser in all this. This will impact him forever, yes your DH should have considered all of this. Don’t expect to just do what you want and for it to work out for the children, in blended families, it rarely does. It’s for the adults.

Just because he never had his mum and dad as a family unit, it doesn't mean he's not craving that. He knows what he's missing.

Yes, your shared daughter doesn't see her dad that much, but she has you as a consistent figure in her life whereas this little boy is living between two houses with no consistency.

From what you've said, it sounds as if his behaviour is directly linked to a lack of parenting and jealousy of the kids who get to live with his dad (which is understandable). His dad needs to step up and stop the guilt-parenting.

Just something else to put into the mix, you mention “just because DH had a one night stand x years ago his life shouldn’t be on hold” (paraphrasing).

You might want to give some thought to why you think the fact DSS came from a one night stand makes a difference to his Dad’s level of responsibility. There was no earthly reason to know that DSS was conceived after a one night stand rather than a marriage that failed.

It doesn’t make a difference to the parenting that DSS needs and deserves.

Children hate their parents separating. It causes massive trauma. Its even worse if parents then introduce stepparents & go off and live with that family.

Its so so shit for the kid, i understand why he is aggressive and resentful of your DC.

Why is it selfish to have another child in this scenario? Should everyone stop at one child?!

You keep detailing the perspective of the parents when posters are trying to give you the perspective of the child.

This is not about the parents. What happened happened, they might be managing the situation as well as they can, and they might even be managing it well.

But it doesn't matter, it will still be a very difficult environment for an 8yo, and clearly he isn't doing well right now.

I’d never do it, personally.

Maybe get some professional help to unwrap his feelings. Better than the Portugal week the two of them going on if you need to pay.

He just needs clear boundaries / discipline which you say he doesn’t ever get. How is he ever going to learn what is right from wrong if no-one spells it out to him. This will only get worse if he is not taught now.

What are the consequences for him when he is aggressive to the girls? That’s what needs addressing.

Everyone agrees this is not normal or ok.

Sounds like all parents and step parents doing their best.

I’d recommend taking him to a clinical psychologist - they can take reports from school etc and help get to the bottom of the problem and recommend further therapy

Gentle parenting = shit parenting.

The little lad is obviously not doing well. The wishy washy bollox from both parents is certainly a contributing factor. Its only going to get worse. I wouldn't be letting him anywhere near your 3 yr old. He could really hurt them.

He sounds like he's got attachment issues and he's going after your girls in particular.

Safety first. He's physical with your youngest. Is he physical with your 9 year old too? He can't be left alone with your kids.

Does your husband give him consequences when he gets physical with your youngest? You say your husband spends the most time with this child. Your youngest barely sees him, so he's not really much of a parent to her.

Therapy. This is happening at school and at home. He needs help. But as an above poster said, are you all going to be able to participate in what family therapy requires? You have a very busy family.

If your kids are in danger, your husband needs to take his custody time elsewhere. Rent a small apartment, or move out altogether. I think your idea that he takes his custody time at his parents' place will work, at least to keep him safe.

I feel bad for him. He's grown up moving between households where nothing is stable and he's learned how to get attention for himself in negative ways and your husband is still taking him on the big trip rather than necessary therapy.

You’re doing the right things OP.

I had the same issues with SS7. Since splitting with my ex, SS’s mum has opened up to me about him having serious behavioural issues in her home too. My ex did nothing to address it.

Obviously I’m sad the relationship ended for the sake of our shared child, but I’m not at all sad to not have to worry about her being hurt any time my back was turned anymore.

Only in a blended family can a child’s place in the home be threatened rather than any sort of stability or decent parenting happen.