Parents (elderly) who are slave to their emotions - AIBU to feel fed up?

It's not an uncommon dynamic, parents and children can trade places.

You can put more of your energy into caring for yourself, if you learn how to do that.

Yanbu

This book might help?

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson | Waterstones https://www.waterstones.com/book/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents/lindsay-c-gibson//9781626251700?sv1=affiliate&sv_campaign_id=323889&awc=3787_1790117375_c88630b55efd73303c424bc687d3ea6c&utm_source=323889&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=Kiesproduct+%22Google+Shopping+traffic%22

Came here to recommend this also. Found it so comforting, to learn other people had a parent like mine. My parent is similar to yours. They struggled to express emotion when I was a child, so it only came out as anger, so i have learnt to be on edge around them my entire life.
Then they went to therapy but it wasnt to do with their parenting, it was for their depression, so of course they were encouraged to identify and express their feelings, which is great.
However, it still simply does not occur to them to assess how their emotions might make others feel, especially their children, or that not every negative thought or feeling should be expressed ALL THE TIME, and any hint to them that they might consider how their moods impact others is interpreted by them as 'you should repress your feelings and be a robot' so naturally they dig their heels in.
And I cant explain what I have above , about anger and how it dominated my childhood, as they would be devastated, and then pour all those feelings out onto me. And I dont want to sit here and comfort them for hurting my feelings when I have spent my whole life tip-toeing round theirs. Plus, if im totally honest, i dont truly believe their devastation would be because they'd hurt me, it would be because being confronted with someone else's negative emotions would make them feel bad, ashamed, not a good parent (all things they already feel). There is no room in their head to ever care about me as an individual with a personality, hopes, dreams, dislikes, they do not attempt to connect with me on any personal basis, they just perform as parent, ask me how I am/how's work with no real interest in the answer or followup questions, only asking because they know they should and to retain nuggets of info that they can use to tell their friends how proud they are to make themselves look good. So as they dont know me and dont try to, how can I believe they care enough about me that they care that my feelings are hurt? Its just all about them, all the time.
I am sorry you are dealing with this, its very tough and hard to explain to people who dont 'get' it. I get it, i hear you.

There comes a point when your parents are too old to parent you. You've reached that point so now it's time to grow up and find other audiences for your worries. And yes, it's normal.

The child becomes the parent, the parent becomes the child.

I think in past there was a huge tendency to brush feelings under the carpet. Mental health - if discussed at all was discussed in hushed tones- stigma was huge. So as a result many of our now older population have never considered their emotions, how the mind works, what being triggered feels like. I know I was raised this way, as a childI was taught the uncomfortable feelings were wrong. I am in my 60s and have had to make a huge effort to learn about he mind, and deal with a lot of my own maladaptive mechanisms. I imagine there will be a huge variation over different families I became caretaker of my mother's emotional well being aged 8. Happily, and after years of therapy I am free of that duty. She still tries to dump on me, but it has never been reciprocal, but I am now an expert at grey rock.

its a fabulous book.

you can’t change her op only your reactions, don’t pander don’t try and solve I’d say. Don’t always jump in to help, try and train yourself- that sounds rough what are you going to do.

last one with my mother was seeing her whilst I was on a walk after I’d been on holiday for a few days. Soon as she sees me she starts crying, she’s got a cold and „thought I was going to die“ will the chemist give me antibiotics? I doubt it but It’s bank holiday so when I get home I find the emergency chemist , ring her and tell her I’ll take her. Actually no I’ve had a think and I’ll not bother she says. Ffs

basically she’s got what she wanted with the crying and venting and moved on , meanwhile I’ve gone into solution mode.

I think this is a really helpful realisation.

That's totally normal. Anxiety rises significantly with old age. At least one of us here will probably be the same.

I agree that anxiety can rise with age.

And also, some of us have been looking after our parents' emotions our whole lives. That too is common.

Get the book and leave it in a highly visible place next time they visit. See if they get the hint.

Absolutely this.

My parents were always like this, they had me in their 20s.

Yes. Me too. Completely identify.

Completely relate. For my whole life, if I ever expressed a worry or was having difficulty with anything, I would get "but what about meeeee?". Exhausting. I've learned to let it wash over me and not share my feelings now.

In my experience I'd say that most parents of adults are the opposite. My friends and I talk about it a lot. How we have to bottle up how we feel, avoid expressing any opinions or concerns, hide our worries, and generally tread a tightrope in order not to irritate or worry our adult children.

If you're an adult who shares your worries and emotions with your parent, why do you feel that it's unreasonable for them to share theirs with you?

"If you're an adult who shares your worries and emotions with your parent, why do you feel that it's unreasonable for them to share theirs with you?"

I suspect that people who can share their emotions with their parents may not be on this thread!

But I am sorry that you experience this, @saraclara .

My adult children do share their emotions with me and it is mutual. I appreciate that I am fortunate.

Oh god, @Thundertoast , that's all just so perfectly put

I hear you, too.

well said and yes , it’s very much two things can be true.

however if one falls into the latter camp then we are not talking about some acceptance of „I’m not a little girl anymore who needs her mummy“ we are talking the huge swathes of us (me and this poster included) who have been our parents mummy and therapist and spouse since we were children.

I had to make a conscious decision, a few years ago with my own children.

My mum is wonderful but, due to a bloody hard life and an awful marriage to an abusive man, had no healthy outlet for her emotions.
She wasn’t/isn’t like your DM @cauliflowercheesey but would always react to any bad news or experiences I was going through with a knee jerk exclamation or tears.
Not through any malicious or intentional thought - just a reactionary outpouring of her own feelings of worry for me.

This resulted in me not telling her my worries or bad news (if I could avoid it) as I’d be worried about her own feelings.

She would, after the tears and loud ‘oh nos!’ then offer me more practical support but I couldn’t (and still can’t) deal with worrying about how she was upset and react.

When my DC was a teenager and going through some horrendous circumstances I had to reprogramme my own immediate responses to them. I know exactly just how I felt when younger and wanted to avoid pushing them away from confiding in me.

Therefore, I had to ‘fake it till you make it’ and take a deep breath. I kinda stepped out of being ‘mum’ when dealing with it and became ‘my first name’ for them.

It took practice as well as healthy two way communication with DC to succeed but was really worth it. My kids have said that they can come to me with any worries and know that I’ll be calm, pragmatic and help them with love even when I feel a maelstrom of pain and sadness inside.

It’s bloody hard reflecting on a shitty childhood dynamic and having to dissect what, for example, led to anxiety responses/an intrinsic need to ‘keep the peace’/be the repository for a parent’s emotional outbursts 💐

I could have written your post.

I don't know what the answer is. I don't think my mum is capable of changing. If I tell her how her rants/actions/emotions affect me negatively and get me down, for example - she would hate to think she was hurting me but at the same time she would cope with that by explaining to me why I shouldn't be hurt/affected and why she is justified. Nothing I have said or could say could effect any kind of change in her herself. She is incredibly defensive.

My Mum is exactly the same, I completely understand. I also have the book mentioned above. It sometimes feels like I'm dealing with a spoiled little girl when I would actually like a parent.
It does make me sad. I have always been completely unable to get any emotional support from her.....support runs one way with my Mum - she takes and I have to give.
We have very little relationship these days, and this has been a part of the reason why, though not all.

@CraftySeal I think that part of the answer is grieving what we could/ should have had in childhood, but did not. A painful process.

I don't think my mum was quite as bad when I was a child, this is something that has really set in with her as she's got older.

@Thundertoast your post really resonated with me, particularly this:

‘…they just perform as parent, ask me how I am/how's work with no real interest in the answer or followup questions, only asking because they know they should and to retain nuggets of info that they can use to tell their friends…’

I see from comments that many PPs are only experiencing such traits as their parents become elderly but I find it reassuring that I can also see PPs who, like me, have experienced this throughout childhood/teenhood as well. Absolutely everything was always about my mum’s experience/feelings, not mine, even when unfortunate things were happening to me.

You are not alone 💐
Its really tough, isnt it. Especially as to the outside world, it just looks like they love you and are proud of you and are good at expressing their emotions freely. So you look cold when you arent jumping for joy to be in their presence.