Mother in law keeps calling me fat

I now realise that you actually have no idea how you would react, and are just making it up.

Yes dialogue that promotes mutual understanding and respect is important in intercultural relationships. It does need both sides to be willing and able to compromise a little though.

I have had clients from places where "it's the culture". They had eating disorders from "the culture" or as I prefer to call it "the socially sanctioned bullying of anyone who looks different." It would be different if telling people they are too fat made them lose weight but it doesn't, and that is backed up by peer reviewed research. What it does is make people less self confident and push them into disordered eating and unhealthy practices.

I'd advise you to stamp on this. This woman has a hint of power and she is liking the taste.

ETA I have stage 3 lipoedema and have had a lot of surgery and am still fat. Focus on being fit and healthy because you will never please these people.

So she needs to be told then.

It's all very well telling the OP to integrate, but if the MIL wants a relationship with her DIL she also needs to integrate with our etiquette "rules".

True but because she's Asian she probably doesn't realised that the west has turned the word "fat" into the worst insult ever.

Unsolicited help like that is only really ‘help’ if it is offered in a spirit of generosity, humility, and empathy.
You give the impression that any help you offer would spring from brash self-gratification and a feeling of superiority.

if it is lipodemia, its a type of fat that is more resistant to traditional weightloss methods, so it might just be something you would have to live with. Even the GLP1 medications might not help, you might need some dedicated help from the lipodemia clinic. Hopefully that'll come soon enough although you never know with the NHS.

You have a husband issue if he won’t step in and speak up for you. Also, why would you ask the woman who makes these hurtful comments to alter clothes to make them bigger?! That’s just inviting her to say more hurtful things! It was very easily predictable.

You have two issues. Firstly the extra weight, secondly the MIL issue.

For the MIL issue, I would have it out with her. Tell her exactly how she makes you feel, cry, scream, - totally have it out with her. Tell her it is completely and utterly unacceptable to mention ANYONES appearance in your house, and then kick her out. Your DH is aware and has done nowt so you have to take charge. She will either leave in a strop and not speak to you again (score), or she will apologise and stop doing it. Either way - win-win. What won't happen is she won't cross your threshold and do that again. If you can't do it for you - do it for your 11 year old. My eldest DD had anorexia - believe me you dont want that. Culture is irrelevant, they dont live in Asia now, and you are a mother - you need to protect your DD, and also role model that you wont have people talking down to you or her.

As for your weight, be really honest with yourself - is this extra eating or could it be something else? Lipodema is very distinctive. Its not just extra fat stored on the legs. Skinny women get it but it makes their legs like elephants, and very lumpy. I think its quite distinctive from weight gain. If you aren't eating anymore than usual there could be other reasons to. You need it all investigated. Don't be down on yourself though, or waste your tears. You need your health fully investigated - that should be the overriding concern here.

It’s very ignorant of her. Lipomeda is very likely here. There’s someone on instagram that suffers from it and was trying various therapies such as lymphatic drainage.

Ask your mother in law if she has any understanding at all about illness, and secondly how not to be fucking rude.

Fat people know they’re fat. They don’t need to be told by some tactless prat.

I would tell her to go fuck herself. I’m not even joking. I would literally tell her where to go. I’d point out that it’s your house and she can keep her opinions to herself, and if she doesn’t like it, she knows where the door is.

And your husband is a wet lettuce.

But you have experience of being fat, and losing weight after somebody mentioned it to you, right?

I’m overweight and well aware of it, I don’t need it pointed out. Unfortunately I have numerous physical and mental health problems which make losing weight extremely difficult. I’m trying but it’s a slow process.

And your husband tolerates it, whereas you say yourself that he would throw you out if you said those things to her or sil.

I feel sorry for you. There is no respect and you have no say in your marriage. I suspect that he controls you too in all areas of your life. You just have to do as you are told?

I don’t suppose divorce is acceptable and I bet there isn’t much support in your community. If there is, please use it to leave the marriage. If there isn’t, I hope you find the strength to do it yourself.

If she’s overweight herself and wouldn’t tolerate it, it’s not a case of cultural differences etc. It’s downright bullying, plain and simple. She knows it’s your weak point and that it gets to you, so she uses that to her advantage to bully you.

It seems clear to me that the OP has very little agency in her life. Urging her to tell her MIL to fuck off is pointless. She doesn't have that power.
Maybe the real question is how she can get some power.

do you work. I find it hard to believe that in you whole circle of family, friends, colleagues, kids teachers, no one is overweight.

Around two thirds of adults in the uk are overweight - but you don’t know any?

Hahaha! I don’t know any fat people - family and friends are all quite sporty - and have a wide circle of healthy, happy friends. I’m just saying I don’t see how tiptoeing around pretending a fat person isn’t fat is helping them.

Have you ever tried counseling? Are there a lot of people in your life who don’t speak to you? Have you struggled with work colleagues? Have you been disciplined in work for how you engage with others?

you sound like a very unpleasant, very unhappy person.

I just think there are so many people on these boards who are fat, and have people tiptoe around them, taking huge offence when anyone mentioned that they put on weight, when it would be easier for them to lose the weight rather than have everyone pretend they’re not fat.

I’ve had 4 kids, and saying ‘I’ve had 4 kids’ on here seems to be shorthand for saying ‘it’s not my fault I’ve gained 3 stone’ whereas I don’t know anyone irl who’s had kids and piled on the weight. You have kids, you’re far less sedentary and you eat much healthier. You lose the baby weight. Unless you use it as an excuse to get fat. It’s all psychology, and I’m really not sure tiptoeing around saying ‘aww, you’re not fat your just big bones’ is helping anyone. Has the number of people unhappy about their weight increased or decreased since the word ‘fat shaming’ was introduced? Has the number of obese people increased or decreased? Who do you think you are helping by denying what’s clearly obvious?

Just going by your posts, I believe that you are rude, unkind and probably not very bright. Would this spur you on to be a nicer person?

Of course it's body shaming. If OP has asked her MIL whether she looked fat and her MIL told her that she did, that is telling the truth. To just make unsolicited and cruel remarks about someone else's weight is rude and very unkind.

Apparently, OP's MIL is also overweight but OP isn't allowed to say that as her husband would be angry at her insulting his mum.

There are massive double standards here.

Have you ever been fat? And lost weight because somebody was kind enough to tell you that you are (or were) indeed fat?

The vast majority of fat people know they’re fat. They don’t need anyone to point it out to them…

That's interesting. How fat were you when it happened to you?