Page 3 | Being told to be grateful for child maintenance

SugarMuffins · 2026-09-21T08:59:44+00:00

My ex has never really paid child maintenance. I took him through CMS and, other than a few pounds taken from his benefits, he didn’t have to pay much because he often had debts that took priority. Otherwise, I’d get around £7 a week. This has always been the case for years. Recently, he apparently had a change of heart and said he wanted to start paying regularly. He said that if he couldn’t pay, he would contact me beforehand and explain why. (He does not see the children at all.) It lasted 4 months. He’s now missed the last 2 months and I haven’t heard anything from him. Someone told me I should be grateful that he paid anything at all and that I should be grateful for whatever I get. I don’t really understand this attitude. Child maintenance is supposed to be a contribution towards the costs of raising his children, not a favour to me. *AIBU to hate when people tell women they should be grateful for child maintenance?*

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/09/2026 15:11

Sartre · 21/09/2026 14:59

I think cases like yours are the reason why some mums who receive lots in CM should probably be grateful, yes. Some dads do go above and beyond what is expected and pay far more than the government would ask them to, though I’d say that’s vanishingly rare and more are sadly like your ex. It makes them stand out as a result. The bare minimum CMS demands of any NRP isn’t enough.

How can paying for your own children be ‘above and beyond’? I’m a single mum, if I earn really well am I also going ‘above and beyond’? Particularly if I only actually parent less than 50% off the time?

JustAnotherWhinger · 21/09/2026 15:17

Sartre · 21/09/2026 14:59

I think cases like yours are the reason why some mums who receive lots in CM should probably be grateful, yes. Some dads do go above and beyond what is expected and pay far more than the government would ask them to, though I’d say that’s vanishingly rare and more are sadly like your ex. It makes them stand out as a result. The bare minimum CMS demands of any NRP isn’t enough.

Tbh I think we need to remove gratitude from CM.

Nobody should feel grateful for it. It’s a basic thing. The only reason it’s thought some should feel grateful is because so many get away with not paying.

If the societal norm was for CM to be paid without any issues there wouldn’t be the need for gratitude.

It also enhances the thing that fathers who do basics are somehow especially good men and they’re not. Societal standards are just too bloody low.

JustAnotherWhinger · 21/09/2026 15:17

Sartre · 21/09/2026 14:59

I think cases like yours are the reason why some mums who receive lots in CM should probably be grateful, yes. Some dads do go above and beyond what is expected and pay far more than the government would ask them to, though I’d say that’s vanishingly rare and more are sadly like your ex. It makes them stand out as a result. The bare minimum CMS demands of any NRP isn’t enough.

Tbh I think we need to remove gratitude from CM.

Nobody should feel grateful for it. It’s a basic thing. The only reason it’s thought some should feel grateful is because so many get away with not paying.

If the societal norm was for CM to be paid without any issues there wouldn’t be the need for gratitude.

It also enhances the thing that fathers who do basics are somehow especially good men and they’re not. Societal standards are just too bloody low.

JustAnotherWhinger · 21/09/2026 15:17

Sartre · 21/09/2026 14:59

I think cases like yours are the reason why some mums who receive lots in CM should probably be grateful, yes. Some dads do go above and beyond what is expected and pay far more than the government would ask them to, though I’d say that’s vanishingly rare and more are sadly like your ex. It makes them stand out as a result. The bare minimum CMS demands of any NRP isn’t enough.

Tbh I think we need to remove gratitude from CM.

Nobody should feel grateful for it. It’s a basic thing. The only reason it’s thought some should feel grateful is because so many get away with not paying.

If the societal norm was for CM to be paid without any issues there wouldn’t be the need for gratitude.

It also enhances the thing that fathers who do basics are somehow especially good men and they’re not. Societal standards are just too bloody low.

OhamIreally · 21/09/2026 15:17

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/09/2026 15:11

How can paying for your own children be ‘above and beyond’? I’m a single mum, if I earn really well am I also going ‘above and beyond’? Particularly if I only actually parent less than 50% off the time?

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Well said! Many of us want more than the bare minimum for our children.

HowardTJMoon · 21/09/2026 15:31

Cooshawn · 21/09/2026 14:57

I'm suggesting that whoever is the end recipient of income should be liable for the appropriate tax. Perhaps it should be a pre-tax salary deduction? I don't know. But the fact that it's disregarded as income is a huge contributor to the attitude some have towards it.

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It's disregarded as income as it's simply too unreliable. When it was counted then a lone parent in receipt of benefits was having those benefits adjusted to take account of the maintenance. But the admin costs of having to repeatedly recalculate the benefit entitlement to reflect partial or non-payment of maintenance ended up costing more than simply disregarding it.

Of course, if the CMS or any of its predecessors had made any serious effort to pursue non-res parents who can't be arsed to pay then that wouldn't have been a problem. But the political will just isn't there.

burgerbeast · 21/09/2026 15:32

I would say you were unlucky to have had children with someone who isn't part of their lives and doesn't contribute to raising them financially or emotionally.

AgnesMcDoo · 21/09/2026 15:38

No one should feel grateful or lucky because a father pays for his children.

Sartre · 21/09/2026 16:27

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/09/2026 15:11

How can paying for your own children be ‘above and beyond’? I’m a single mum, if I earn really well am I also going ‘above and beyond’? Particularly if I only actually parent less than 50% off the time?

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There’s been threads on here where dads have indeed had their children 50% or near enough and still paid lots in CM but the mum comes here to whinge she wants even more. Again, this is rare and more dads like OP’s exist. I just think any mum whinging that she “only” gets, say, 2k a month plus he sees the kids when people like OP deal with no help should probably feel grateful for it, yes.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/09/2026 16:54

Sartre · 21/09/2026 16:27

There’s been threads on here where dads have indeed had their children 50% or near enough and still paid lots in CM but the mum comes here to whinge she wants even more. Again, this is rare and more dads like OP’s exist. I just think any mum whinging that she “only” gets, say, 2k a month plus he sees the kids when people like OP deal with no help should probably feel grateful for it, yes.

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The dad still wouldn’t be going ‘above and beyond’ even if that were the case.