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AIBU?

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AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

1000 replies

DivorcingDebbie25 · 20/09/2026 21:46

Trying to avoid drip feed. Am sixty. Married 40 years. Kids are 40/38. I’ve never really worked. Husband had corporate career. I have been waiting for him to retire for years but it’s become clear that will never happen. He is rarely at home, constantly doing adventure stuff or pursuing his hobby. I’ve given up waiting and I want a divorce. He’s not fought me on it and clearly we are just done. I’ve moved out into rented and he’s paying my rent and expenses- clearing credit card etc.

We are reasonably civil but he says asking for half is ridiculous. He says that the only real assets are his massive pension fund, my smaller one and our house which we will sell. I think he should give me half the value of the pension fund but he says that’s not possible. He says half the house and then we combine the value of the pensions and I get the equivalent of half the income from it. Surely I can just ask for the value and then do what I want with it? It feels very controlling.

I will of course get a lawyer but wanted to check if I’m being unreasonable in asking for my half? What about future income / inheritance etc? Once I’m divorced do I lose all claim on that even though I’ve supported him to earn this money and to see the return on investments that won’t come through for a few years?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Jaxinabox · 21/09/2026 11:08

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 11:05

So you had friends providing childcare while you worked nights and for free.

Got a problem with mums helping each other out. I’ll watch yours then you watch mine? What’s your problem with me finding solutions to me building a career and paying my way in society. And raising my kids without using benefits? Seriously. Interested?

Anonfortoday2 · 21/09/2026 11:08

This tread is crazy and I hope a lot of you aren’t married . Because a lot don’t even seem to understand what a marriage is . It’s two becoming one ,no his and hers everything is joint . She’s not greedy she is getting advice on her share and the law is in black and white to prove this . Your personal opinions are not above the law and don’t make your opinions fact .

DivorcingDebbie25 · 21/09/2026 11:09

Wow. Lots of comments overnight.

Dont want to get drawn into defending myself or slagging him off really, but I’ve not been happy for years. Yes, should have worked but didn’t. I spend my days helping with grandchildren and my great niece and nephew. That’s why I want to stay local, to keep my community.

I feel like I’ve been emotionally abandoned. He wants to do his thing and just wants to throw money at me to keep me in my box. That’s why he’s being generous with money, to stop me causing trouble.

as to inheritance I meant that he has relatives who have provided for both of us, by name, in the will. I was wondering what would happen. I’m not grabbing the money. Just wanted to be sure.

I’m grateful to those for help. I’m trying to rebuild a life as me, not as someone’s wife. Yes, late in the day, but hopefully not too late.

What did I think we would do? A quiet life, walking, local travel and enjoying our family time maybe. The action man thing has come from no where and he has no apparent interest in me, what plans we made, the life we had discussed. I’ve been ignoring that for too long and now need to face onto it

OP posts:
Jaxinabox · 21/09/2026 11:11

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 11:01

She isn't trying to take more. She wants 50 percent of marital assets.

What about future income / inheritance etc? And then there’s the affair he didn’t have but she was asking if she could get extra cash for it. Sorry but just no.

PurpleThistle7 · 21/09/2026 11:14

I think inheritance is tricky and depends a lot on the wording and if anything is changed by them after the divorce. My inlaws will says 'our son and his wife etc etc' so if I'm not his wife then I'm not in the will. Also they'd update it pretty much immediately if we were to split up as then why would they leave anything to me? I wouldn't count on it.

Staying local sounds nice if you can afford it - not sure you can if you don't think you can buy something (studio?) for £400K though.

Sounds like you just aren't well suited. He wants to have some fun and explore the world after working for so long. You want to hang out with your grandkids. Fair enough but those aren't really compatible goals. Not sure either of you can afford either thing on your own but you can work that out with a lawyer.

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 11:17

DivorcingDebbie25 · 21/09/2026 11:09

Wow. Lots of comments overnight.

Dont want to get drawn into defending myself or slagging him off really, but I’ve not been happy for years. Yes, should have worked but didn’t. I spend my days helping with grandchildren and my great niece and nephew. That’s why I want to stay local, to keep my community.

I feel like I’ve been emotionally abandoned. He wants to do his thing and just wants to throw money at me to keep me in my box. That’s why he’s being generous with money, to stop me causing trouble.

as to inheritance I meant that he has relatives who have provided for both of us, by name, in the will. I was wondering what would happen. I’m not grabbing the money. Just wanted to be sure.

I’m grateful to those for help. I’m trying to rebuild a life as me, not as someone’s wife. Yes, late in the day, but hopefully not too late.

What did I think we would do? A quiet life, walking, local travel and enjoying our family time maybe. The action man thing has come from no where and he has no apparent interest in me, what plans we made, the life we had discussed. I’ve been ignoring that for too long and now need to face onto it

Don’t worry OP I think most of us can see what your post was asking. To take away from all the crazy angry woman in this thread screaming “it’s not fair she hasn’t worked” please know you have worked and you still continue to work by providing childcare for your grandchildren.

Figgygal · 21/09/2026 11:18

"I feel like I’ve been emotionally abandoned. He wants to do his thing and just wants to throw money at me to keep me in my box"

It sounds like you've been happy with that arrangement for many, many years. What's the difference now?

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 11:18

Jaxinabox · 21/09/2026 11:08

Got a problem with mums helping each other out. I’ll watch yours then you watch mine? What’s your problem with me finding solutions to me building a career and paying my way in society. And raising my kids without using benefits? Seriously. Interested?

I don't have a problem. I am just interested in your story.😂

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 11:19

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 11:17

Don’t worry OP I think most of us can see what your post was asking. To take away from all the crazy angry woman in this thread screaming “it’s not fair she hasn’t worked” please know you have worked and you still continue to work by providing childcare for your grandchildren.

They aren't necessarily women. Anyone can post including childless men.

Jaxinabox · 21/09/2026 11:19

ThreadGuardDog · 21/09/2026 11:03

Well you should be at peace then because OP only wants 50%. And she wasn’t after his future earnings, she was talking about investments that they made jointly and which haven’t matured.

Right. And his future inheritance and his mythical affair. What a lady!

Moth2aflame · 21/09/2026 11:20

Ooo a non working female, MN favourite rage bait. It’s almost worth being jobless just for the pitch fork engagement.

fuzziestkiwi · 21/09/2026 11:20

DivorcingDebbie25 · 21/09/2026 11:09

Wow. Lots of comments overnight.

Dont want to get drawn into defending myself or slagging him off really, but I’ve not been happy for years. Yes, should have worked but didn’t. I spend my days helping with grandchildren and my great niece and nephew. That’s why I want to stay local, to keep my community.

I feel like I’ve been emotionally abandoned. He wants to do his thing and just wants to throw money at me to keep me in my box. That’s why he’s being generous with money, to stop me causing trouble.

as to inheritance I meant that he has relatives who have provided for both of us, by name, in the will. I was wondering what would happen. I’m not grabbing the money. Just wanted to be sure.

I’m grateful to those for help. I’m trying to rebuild a life as me, not as someone’s wife. Yes, late in the day, but hopefully not too late.

What did I think we would do? A quiet life, walking, local travel and enjoying our family time maybe. The action man thing has come from no where and he has no apparent interest in me, what plans we made, the life we had discussed. I’ve been ignoring that for too long and now need to face onto it

My earlier post set out how the court will approach this, although it’s likely buried now. Future inheritances won’t be taken into account at all - inheritance received during the marriage is usually non mat (so not taken into account unless required to meet needs) anyway, unless it has been mingled with matrimonial funds. Sorry you’ve had such a hard time on here!

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 21/09/2026 11:20

If you are specifically named in the will then it’s yours unless they change their will in the meantime. If he is named in the will then you have no right to it.

RapunzelHadExtensions · 21/09/2026 11:22

NullaEffugium · 20/09/2026 22:12

What? Fulfilling expectations of society 30 years ago? As in 1986? We were expected to get careers and work full time. We weren’t expected to be housewives then.

It was 1996, even less so!

This is why I'm glad i would never not work and rely on a man, even if he asked me to.

Thegirlwhowent · 21/09/2026 11:23

I don't think it has to be up to him to decide how the assets are split. It's best if you can agree and avoid unnecessary legal fees though.

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 11:23

Figgygal · 21/09/2026 11:18

"I feel like I’ve been emotionally abandoned. He wants to do his thing and just wants to throw money at me to keep me in my box"

It sounds like you've been happy with that arrangement for many, many years. What's the difference now?

This is horrible. Too me it sounds she’s realised the vulnerable position she’s now in. A position that has suited her husband for all these years as well I might add. Maybe a lesson for all woman but this is her life now and it must feel incredibly daunting.

bigfacthunter · 21/09/2026 11:24

Jaxinabox · 21/09/2026 11:11

What about future income / inheritance etc? And then there’s the affair he didn’t have but she was asking if she could get extra cash for it. Sorry but just no.

Pension isn’t really “future income” though, it’s investments you made while working that come back to you in retirement. So those investments that were made while they were married absolutely are hers to receive after they split.

ANNotherWriter · 21/09/2026 11:26

DivorcingDebbie25 · 21/09/2026 11:09

Wow. Lots of comments overnight.

Dont want to get drawn into defending myself or slagging him off really, but I’ve not been happy for years. Yes, should have worked but didn’t. I spend my days helping with grandchildren and my great niece and nephew. That’s why I want to stay local, to keep my community.

I feel like I’ve been emotionally abandoned. He wants to do his thing and just wants to throw money at me to keep me in my box. That’s why he’s being generous with money, to stop me causing trouble.

as to inheritance I meant that he has relatives who have provided for both of us, by name, in the will. I was wondering what would happen. I’m not grabbing the money. Just wanted to be sure.

I’m grateful to those for help. I’m trying to rebuild a life as me, not as someone’s wife. Yes, late in the day, but hopefully not too late.

What did I think we would do? A quiet life, walking, local travel and enjoying our family time maybe. The action man thing has come from no where and he has no apparent interest in me, what plans we made, the life we had discussed. I’ve been ignoring that for too long and now need to face onto it

Have you had your house valued?
£800K in London is nothing. Are you sure that's right?

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 11:26

RapunzelHadExtensions · 21/09/2026 11:22

It was 1996, even less so!

This is why I'm glad i would never not work and rely on a man, even if he asked me to.

No it was 86.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 21/09/2026 11:31

Moth2aflame · 21/09/2026 11:20

Ooo a non working female, MN favourite rage bait. It’s almost worth being jobless just for the pitch fork engagement.

We can’t win.

Have kids - go back to work.
Why are you even bothering?
All your salary goes on childcare.
You never see them.

Have kids - don’t go back to work
You’re a parasite.
What do you contribute to the home and society?

Anonfortoday2 · 21/09/2026 11:32

Moth2aflame · 21/09/2026 11:20

Ooo a non working female, MN favourite rage bait. It’s almost worth being jobless just for the pitch fork engagement.

😂 if I’ve every got a few spare minutes I love to make a post about being a SAHM . I find it so hilarious how strangers on the internet get so invested in my life . 🤣 and how fast they manage to message me seems as they work in these fantastic career they have built. But managed to jump on my post within a 0.2 seconds and argue all day, but how fantastic their life is compared to mine 🤣

Passaggressfedup · 21/09/2026 11:33

OP, you need to understand the entitlement that comes with all the pensions. You won't get cash for his, you'll be entitled to divide them and to claim at a certain age, which could be 60 or later, the monthly payments and maybe a one off cash value.

Pensions are very complex and if you know nothing about them, it's time to educate yourself and seek support.

You might be entitled to more than 50% of everything. As you've been married so long, the lifestyle you've been used to will come into it.

Jaxinabox · 21/09/2026 11:33

bigfacthunter · 21/09/2026 11:24

Pension isn’t really “future income” though, it’s investments you made while working that come back to you in retirement. So those investments that were made while they were married absolutely are hers to receive after they split.

And investments would be included as part of the marital assets. Alongside pensions. You can’t expect inheritance from people that will die in the future because you were once married. You are deplorable if you’re prepared to throw around someone had an affair to get more cash. They have kids and grandkids. Everyone can defend her as much as the like. Honestly I’m only replying due to keep being quoted. But it is grim and very sad.

Ally886 · 21/09/2026 11:42

Not a divorce lawyer but work with them. My sister also got divorced in similar circumstances a few years ago.

Most likely outcome is you get 50% of the assets reflective of the time you spend bringing up the children.

Not working once they left home will most likely go in his favour.

My sister's ex husband kept most of the wealth he accrued during the time the kids were over 30 and she just didn't want to work. She still came away with over £500k but that was about 30% of the assets.

As my Nan used to say, stay at home mums should be given the respect they deserve for the hard work they put in.

Once the kids fly the nest they're just boring and unemployed

Kulwinder54 · 21/09/2026 11:43

You really need to consult with a legal expert, don't bother with comments here. Do you have savings to cover legal fees?

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