AIBU to resent funding my husband while he works part-time?

Lehrer’s description is spot on - sanctimonious indeed!

I googled his comment and found this in a blog post:

“ Tom Lehrer supposedly called Little Boxes the “most sanctimonious song ever written.” He was right, but not nearly right enough. It is a priggish ode to narrow-minded ignorance and condescension that says more about the songwriter and those who sang and embraced it than it does about the alleged middle-class conformists who lived in those ticky-tacky boxes.”

All this!

And apparently Malvinia Reynolds was in her 60s when she wrote Little Boxes- so not exactly very young! Strange and stranger.

@Stressedbadlydressed I would end this marriage now before it's too late.

If you have this much resentment now, then it will just be far worse if you have kids.

He is clearly self-entitled and the comment about inheriting when his dad died would have been the nail in the coffin for me.

He sounds a lot like my cousin's ex DH. He was always a little on the work-shy side, part time hours, low paid job etc... and she was always paying for anything extra and she worked long hours in law. Or he borrowed off his mum.

As soon as they had a baby, he stopped working and insisted on being stay at home dad. Same with baby number 2. She then discovered that he spent all day on the XBox and never took the kids out anywhere. She massively regrets not walking away pre-kids! 5 years since divorce, he is still living with his mum, and spent the money from the house sale on a sports car which only has 2 seats, so he can't even pick the kids up.

Take a long hard look at what you want from life. Is this really it? It's far easier to make big changes if it's just you and no children involved.

I think you need a couple of male relatives to help him pack or failing that a police officer to persuade him. Completely unacceptable.

@Stressedbadlydressed get yourself to a solicitor and see exactly what your options are.

Is there anywhere you can go can for a while to give him another week to get organised and leave? Then you’ll not need to see his emotional blackmail!

Well he's firmly shown his hand. He's not budging, he's going for the house and he's going to get what he can. Mr 'So Sad You Are All About the Money' is going to have as much as he can of yours and will also require Full Housekeeping during the process😟 It will really suck and no doubt drive you mad but it will be worth it in the long run.

Time to do some divorce research. There is lots of information on the .gov website including information on sharing assets. Hope you have some real life support, someone to listen to you. Best of luck with it

He really doesn't want to leave his meal ticket, does he?
When does your tenancy end? Can you bring it to an end so you both have to move out? Then find yourself your own place and don't tell him where you've moved to. Communicate via solicitors.

Feck. That's bad. Time to up your game OP. He can feck right off with his victim mentality.

I think you will have to get legal advice whenever you are able to
I understand that you're married to him who does the house belong to you and is it a rental or something you own?

I went through this with my former cocklodger husband. I had to be absolutely diabolical to get rid of him. I had gone overseas because of a relatives death he was still in the house I turned the utilities off at the house and he was forced to leave

You may have to consider putting the house on the market to get him to leave.

As he's there all day....
Get all your important and financial documents, anything you really value, particularly sentimental value, out and store or with a friend/relative.

He's probably also got his eyes on your savings and pension.
Change all your passwords. your will, next of kin or power of attorney. Do a credit check.

What is your housing situation? It can get tricky if you're married. You can't force him to leave a jointly owned or rented property. Even if it is a house/flat in only your name acquired before marriage it can get sticky once you're married.

You need to get to a solicitor, quickly and quietly. Find out your options to get him out. And if it can't be done, at least you know. Your option then (if renting) would be to sever a joint tenancy (ask the solicitor) and move yourself. You say he comes from money, so let his parents support him. But above all do NOT talk about him leaving or about divorce. You don't want to give him a heads up and send him running to Mummy to finance him filing for divorce. YOU want to be the one to file when you're good and ready. But I wouldn't wait too long.

One thing you can do now is to quietly stop providing any domestic services. He can shop and cook for himself, he can do his own laundry. He can do his own 'life admin'. And of course, do NOT give him any money!

Who owns the house? Maybe some research needed on what you can do until the house is sold. I'm not sure what happens in situations where a house is jointly owned.

Won't they both have to consent to sale of the house?

Make sure you move all your wages and savings to your own personal accounts etc.

You are right.
I didn't phrase it properly, but I was thinking that eventually that may be the only way in the end for them both to eventually split, but I'm not a legal expert, she needs legal advice.

It would certainly show him she was serious though if that began to be discussed. I'm sure it will require research into the various options first though.

Separate all your finances @Stressedbadlydressed and behave as though you're flatmates.

Don't do anything domestic for him. Live as of you are living alone. If necessary, buy a lock for a kitchen cupboard so he doesn't nick your groceries. Get a small fridge in your bedroom. Lock your bedroom door.

It will be horrible, but worth it.

I think you say upthread you are renting? Is the tenancy a shared one? Can you get out of the lease? Or move out without having to pay double rent?

Solicitor asap. I know it's a very different situation, but I found out recently that the vagrants camping in our local park illegally still have to be served with some kind of order and then given some time to leave.

Just realised England probably different, so looked it up. Depends where they are. In Scotland, even if one spouse owns property, both have to give consent unless there's a court order. I remember having to give my consent. But if in England, the OP can sell without his consent if she's sole owner. If joint owners they both have to consent.

OP mentions a mortgage in her first post so definitely not renting.

yes you are right. they both have to consent if they are both on the mortgage and they have to keep paying it. . OP only said he pays towards the mortgage, not that they are both on the mortgage, but they might be...but legal advice needed on her options.

Of course he won’t, he rather likes not actually having to grow up and take responsibility for his own life and living arrangements. You are going to have to do this the formal way I’m afraid, serve the divorce papers and get a financial order. But you absolutely can stop financing and enabling him. Separate your finances. He needs to pay half the mortgage and bills, if he doesn’t make sure you have it in working how much he owes you. Stop buying or cooking food for him, put your stuff in a locked cupboard if you need to.

Ick, solicitor now.

Stop the money. He’ll soon be back to mummy. He’s trying to wear you down.

And he can’t stop you selling the place indefinitely- the solicitor will advise but eventually a court would order it to be sold.

No surprise there.

No point in discussing anything.
Solicitor and start the process of divorcing this loser.

This is your "Starter Marriage", a couple of my friends had them.
Shit happens.
The trick is to realise it, learn from it, and move the hell on.

They did.
They went on to have very successful relationships afterwards.

Truthfully, 35 years on, they can barely remember them.