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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for feeling my partner keeps his son at arms length from me?

36 replies

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 14:17

My partner and I are in our 40's, we've been together 8 years. He moved in with me and my 3 children, my youngest son is 13 now. His son is also 13 and lives with his mum but is still closer to his dad. He has him more than 50% in school holidays and as much as he can at other times.I feel like his dad has an anxious attachment style, partly due to a traumatic break up with his ex. He still babies him and he's spoilt rotten. My issue is that he refuses to bring him home when he has him, instead he takes him to his parents 30miles away and sleeps there with him. He generally stays 2 days and a night then, despite complaining he never sees him, would rather leave him there than bring him home to us for a day or 2. I expected his son to "move in" with my son when his dad had him (still with time at his grandparents, regular sleepovers obviously) but I don't see him for months at a time.

My partner was 19 when his older sister passed away in her early 20's after a long illness so I know his son brings a lot of light and joy to his grandma and grandad. He's put on a pedestal there and wants for nothing. I have NEVER tried to come between any of them and always admired how close they all were. I'm upset because I feel like I'm kept at arms length.

My partner now works Monday to Friday and straight after work he picks his son up, goes to his parents and comes home late Saturday evening, too tired to do anything with me. I work, rush around making sure everything is done at home but he isn't bothered about us doing anything together on Sunday

Our kids argue sometimes, never serious, never physical. My partner can't handle it, he doesn't like it if they are too noisy upstairs and blows up if they bicker rather than taking to them both and resolving it. He does say I'm a good mum and I've got more patience and understanding than him. We may do something with both boys (cinema, swimming etc) about twice a year after me nagging about it, it's just excuses the rest of the time. I have never wanted to come between him and his son, or the grandparents but I feel it's reasonable for us to spend a weekend together once a month or even 1 night or 1 day. I'm upset because he's too scared to say no to his son or parents just occasionally.

I've asked if he could stay over there Sat/Sun instead so we could do something Friday night or Saturday morning, just us or kids as well, I don't mind but it's always no.
There's times I've been on my absolute arse and needed him (health problems, a bitter divorce, estranged mum, dad died etc) our relationship has needed it but I'm never a priority. I don't want my partner all to myself, I just want to be included. Am I asking to much?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 14:44

Julynian · 19/09/2026 14:37

I’m actually in favour of how he is doing this. I think, quite refreshing to see compared with a lot of posts on here, he is parenting his son and keeping that within his family unit, rather than forcing a blended family.

Your partner is not your children’s father, his son is not your son, and he’s not a sibling to your children. He has a mother, father and grandparents, they are his family unit. If he were to stay with you during the access time he becomes the step-child, step-sibling, the minority, the one who only stays sometimes while everyone else is there all of the time, the ‘guest’ who is in someone else’s home.
As things are, he sees his father with his grandparents, he stays in the same place, with his family, in a family home, with the same family relationships.

All of this is in the best interests of the boy. It might be awkward for you, you might feel sidelined at this time, but you have to respect its in the best interests of the child.

That's a really interesting take, I get it. His son doesn't like living at home and would live with us in a heartbeat. He's always asking what my son is doing and when he's next seeing him. His dad blocks it

OP posts:
Naurrr · 19/09/2026 14:43

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 14:42

I'd have his son live with us in a heartbeat, he's only 13 but doesn't like living with his mum.
He's always asking what my son is doing and when he can see him

Show quote history

There's nothing stopping the father from being resident parent if he wanted to, and the son is old enough to choose.

Original poster
MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 14:42

Naurrr · 19/09/2026 14:22

It's a good thing that he doesn't dump his parenting onto you like most of the boyfriends written about on here.

It will be very hard on his kid knowing that his father chooses to live full time with unrelated children, so a good idea for him to have sole focus on the few days he does parent.
You could live separately and enjoy dating without any of the kids and chores etc.

I'd have his son live with us in a heartbeat, he's only 13 but doesn't like living with his mum.
He's always asking what my son is doing and when he can see him

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 19/09/2026 14:41

His DS doesn’t want to be part of a blended family. I think it is nice of your partner to put his DS first.
One to one time is unusual with a parent when they’re live with another family.
DC shouldn’t have to blend together with step siblings because parents move in.

AshCullen1894 · 19/09/2026 14:41

It sounds as if you both have very different expectations from this relationship.

Julynian · 19/09/2026 14:37

I’m actually in favour of how he is doing this. I think, quite refreshing to see compared with a lot of posts on here, he is parenting his son and keeping that within his family unit, rather than forcing a blended family.

Your partner is not your children’s father, his son is not your son, and he’s not a sibling to your children. He has a mother, father and grandparents, they are his family unit. If he were to stay with you during the access time he becomes the step-child, step-sibling, the minority, the one who only stays sometimes while everyone else is there all of the time, the ‘guest’ who is in someone else’s home.
As things are, he sees his father with his grandparents, he stays in the same place, with his family, in a family home, with the same family relationships.

All of this is in the best interests of the boy. It might be awkward for you, you might feel sidelined at this time, but you have to respect its in the best interests of the child.

CraftySeal · 19/09/2026 14:29

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable, you just have incompatible wants and needs. You don't want the same kind of family life.

The question is, can you live with it another 3-5 years until his son ages out of these kinds of arrangements, or is it a deal-breaker.

ForFluentLimeFatball · 19/09/2026 14:29

Tell him what changes are needed and how he makes yo feel. Give it 3 months max. If no different, dump him, find someone who treats you well. He is making no time for you

Grumpyoldcat · 19/09/2026 14:26

This is a deeply weird set up. He needs to move out for many reasons you have raised.

nomas · 19/09/2026 14:22

I think this isn’t about the son, this is about your partner not treating you as important too.

His son gets to have his dad to himself, if you left him, your kids would have you to themselves.

I would leave him.

Naurrr · 19/09/2026 14:22

It's a good thing that he doesn't dump his parenting onto you like most of the boyfriends written about on here.

It will be very hard on his kid knowing that his father chooses to live full time with unrelated children, so a good idea for him to have sole focus on the few days he does parent.
You could live separately and enjoy dating without any of the kids and chores etc.

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