AIBU for feeling my partner keeps his son at arms length from me?

MyLastFHasGone · 2026-09-19T13:17:35+00:00

My partner and I are in our 40's, we've been together 8 years. He moved in with me and my 3 children, my youngest son is 13 now. His son is also 13 and lives with his mum but is still closer to his dad. He has him more than 50% in school holidays and as much as he can at other times.I feel like his dad has an anxious attachment style, partly due to a traumatic break up with his ex. He still babies him and he's spoilt rotten. My issue is that he refuses to bring him home when he has him, instead he takes him to his parents 30miles away and sleeps there with him. He generally stays 2 days and a night then, despite complaining he never sees him, would rather leave him there than bring him home to us for a day or 2. I expected his son to "move in" with my son when his dad had him (still with time at his grandparents, regular sleepovers obviously) but I don't see him for months at a time. My partner was 19 when his older sister passed away in her early 20's after a long illness so I know his son brings a lot of light and joy to his grandma and grandad. He's put on a pedestal there and wants for nothing. I have NEVER tried to come between any of them and always admired how close they all were. I'm upset because I feel like I'm kept at arms length. My partner now works Monday to Friday and straight after work he picks his son up, goes to his parents and comes home late Saturday evening, too tired to do anything with me. I work, rush around making sure everything is done at home but he isn't bothered about us doing anything together on Sunday Our kids argue sometimes, never serious, never physical. My partner can't handle it, he doesn't like it if they are too noisy upstairs and blows up if they bicker rather than taking to them both and resolving it. He does say I'm a good mum and I've got more patience and understanding than him. We may do something with both boys (cinema, swimming etc) about twice a year after me nagging about it, it's just excuses the rest of the time. I have never wanted to come between him and his son, or the grandparents but I feel it's reasonable for us to spend a weekend together once a month or even 1 night or 1 day. I'm upset because he's too scared to say no to his son or parents just occasionally. I've asked if he could stay over there Sat/Sun instead so we could do something Friday night or Saturday morning, just us or kids as well, I don't mind but it's always no. There's times I've been on my absolute arse and needed him (health problems, a bitter divorce, estranged mum, dad died etc) our relationship has needed it but I'm never a priority. I don't want my partner all to myself, I just want to be included. Am I asking to much?

Naurrr · 19/09/2026 14:22

It's a good thing that he doesn't dump his parenting onto you like most of the boyfriends written about on here.

It will be very hard on his kid knowing that his father chooses to live full time with unrelated children, so a good idea for him to have sole focus on the few days he does parent.
You could live separately and enjoy dating without any of the kids and chores etc.

nomas · 19/09/2026 14:22

I think this isn’t about the son, this is about your partner not treating you as important too.

His son gets to have his dad to himself, if you left him, your kids would have you to themselves.

I would leave him.

Grumpyoldcat · 19/09/2026 14:26

This is a deeply weird set up. He needs to move out for many reasons you have raised.

ForFluentLimeFatball · 19/09/2026 14:29

Tell him what changes are needed and how he makes yo feel. Give it 3 months max. If no different, dump him, find someone who treats you well. He is making no time for you

CraftySeal · 19/09/2026 14:29

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable, you just have incompatible wants and needs. You don't want the same kind of family life.

The question is, can you live with it another 3-5 years until his son ages out of these kinds of arrangements, or is it a deal-breaker.

Julynian · 19/09/2026 14:37

I’m actually in favour of how he is doing this. I think, quite refreshing to see compared with a lot of posts on here, he is parenting his son and keeping that within his family unit, rather than forcing a blended family.

Your partner is not your children’s father, his son is not your son, and he’s not a sibling to your children. He has a mother, father and grandparents, they are his family unit. If he were to stay with you during the access time he becomes the step-child, step-sibling, the minority, the one who only stays sometimes while everyone else is there all of the time, the ‘guest’ who is in someone else’s home.
As things are, he sees his father with his grandparents, he stays in the same place, with his family, in a family home, with the same family relationships.

All of this is in the best interests of the boy. It might be awkward for you, you might feel sidelined at this time, but you have to respect its in the best interests of the child.

AshCullen1894 · 19/09/2026 14:41

It sounds as if you both have very different expectations from this relationship.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 19/09/2026 14:41

His DS doesn’t want to be part of a blended family. I think it is nice of your partner to put his DS first.
One to one time is unusual with a parent when they’re live with another family.
DC shouldn’t have to blend together with step siblings because parents move in.

Original poster

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 14:42

Naurrr · 19/09/2026 14:22

It's a good thing that he doesn't dump his parenting onto you like most of the boyfriends written about on here.

It will be very hard on his kid knowing that his father chooses to live full time with unrelated children, so a good idea for him to have sole focus on the few days he does parent.
You could live separately and enjoy dating without any of the kids and chores etc.

I'd have his son live with us in a heartbeat, he's only 13 but doesn't like living with his mum.
He's always asking what my son is doing and when he can see him

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Naurrr · 19/09/2026 14:43

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 14:42

I'd have his son live with us in a heartbeat, he's only 13 but doesn't like living with his mum.
He's always asking what my son is doing and when he can see him

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There's nothing stopping the father from being resident parent if he wanted to, and the son is old enough to choose.

Original poster

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 14:44

Julynian · 19/09/2026 14:37

I’m actually in favour of how he is doing this. I think, quite refreshing to see compared with a lot of posts on here, he is parenting his son and keeping that within his family unit, rather than forcing a blended family.

Your partner is not your children’s father, his son is not your son, and he’s not a sibling to your children. He has a mother, father and grandparents, they are his family unit. If he were to stay with you during the access time he becomes the step-child, step-sibling, the minority, the one who only stays sometimes while everyone else is there all of the time, the ‘guest’ who is in someone else’s home.
As things are, he sees his father with his grandparents, he stays in the same place, with his family, in a family home, with the same family relationships.

All of this is in the best interests of the boy. It might be awkward for you, you might feel sidelined at this time, but you have to respect its in the best interests of the child.

That's a really interesting take, I get it. His son doesn't like living at home and would live with us in a heartbeat. He's always asking what my son is doing and when he's next seeing him. His dad blocks it

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beaglescurleduplikebagels · 19/09/2026 14:46

It certainly wouldn't be something I would tolerate in a relationship.

RelievedNoYouTubeMum · 19/09/2026 14:52

How do you know his son is always asking about your son and doesn’t like living at home? Do you have contact with him or is your partner telling you?

I can see why it’s not great on your part but I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong personally. Not all kids do well in a blended family environment and his dad is protecting him

HareBrewery · 19/09/2026 14:53

How do you know his son is always asking about you son and when he'll see him next if you only see him every few months?

Also how do you know he is unhappy at his mum's house?

Original poster

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 14:58

EmeraldShamrock000 · 19/09/2026 14:41

His DS doesn’t want to be part of a blended family. I think it is nice of your partner to put his DS first.
One to one time is unusual with a parent when they’re live with another family.
DC shouldn’t have to blend together with step siblings because parents move in.

But he would want to if he was asked. He's always asking when he's seeing my son again. And I'd expect my partner to still have 1:1 time with him very often. I'm not asking him to share everything

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Original poster

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 15:06

RelievedNoYouTubeMum · 19/09/2026 14:52

How do you know his son is always asking about your son and doesn’t like living at home? Do you have contact with him or is your partner telling you?

I can see why it’s not great on your part but I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong personally. Not all kids do well in a blended family environment and his dad is protecting him

I see him every few weeks, usually for the driving around jobs (partner refuses to drive) and most times he'll ask what he's doing. I regularly hear him asking his dad on the phone when he's going to grandparents again. Occasionally when I drive over to bring him back and they say it's home time it's eye rolling, "if I must" and asking to stay. His mum doesn't take him out to do stuff. He told me a few weeks ago he hates his step brother but I know kids can be a bit dramatic sometimes

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Morecoffeeneedef · 19/09/2026 15:09

Leave it. Blended families rarely work out well for the children and these two boys bicker. DP's son may think he'd like to live with you, but he hasn't tried it and might not like your house rules after being idolised with his grandparents.

You should tell your partner that you need more quality time with him though, and that he needs to do a bigger share of chores.

Original poster

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 15:14

HareBrewery · 19/09/2026 14:53

How do you know his son is always asking about you son and when he'll see him next if you only see him every few months?

Also how do you know he is unhappy at his mum's house?

I didn't mean I only see him every few months. I meant we only do something nice as a family every few months. I might see him for half an hour coming back from grandparents or 10 minutes from football once a month. Very often he'll ask when he's seeing my son again. He gets really giddy when they're together. I hear him on the phone with his dad asking when he's seeing him or going to grandma and grandad's too. He doesn't ever like going back home, he moans about his mum, says he hates his step brother and has never mentions his step dad to his dad or me. They don't do anything with him like cinema or swimming.

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Original poster

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 15:17

Naurrr · 19/09/2026 14:22

It's a good thing that he doesn't dump his parenting onto you like most of the boyfriends written about on here.

It will be very hard on his kid knowing that his father chooses to live full time with unrelated children, so a good idea for him to have sole focus on the few days he does parent.
You could live separately and enjoy dating without any of the kids and chores etc.

He's a great dad. And they absolutely should have regular 1:1 time. All I'm asking is to occasionally join them. His son asks for it too.

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Glowingup · 19/09/2026 15:21

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 14:44

That's a really interesting take, I get it. His son doesn't like living at home and would live with us in a heartbeat. He's always asking what my son is doing and when he's next seeing him. His dad blocks it

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That’s weird. Do you think he disapproves of your son in some way? Thinks he’s a bad influence? Or could it be that his ex has insisted that it must be at the grandparents’ house? It does sound a bit odd tbh.

Original poster

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 15:28

Glowingup · 19/09/2026 15:21

That’s weird. Do you think he disapproves of your son in some way? Thinks he’s a bad influence? Or could it be that his ex has insisted that it must be at the grandparents’ house? It does sound a bit odd tbh.

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Nah, she isn't bothered where he goes. He just panics if there's the smallest bit of friction and catastrophises everything. One of the reasons I feel in love with him is I thought he was a great dad and he is but he'll ring him at least 4 times between 4pm and bedtime and polices every little detail, it's a very anxious attachment. It's like he wants the 1:1 time more than his son to make himself feel better. He's shit scared he'll lose him somehow. He takes a lot on and I feel like he thinks he has to make it up to his parents for the loss of his sister in some way by taking him over every weekend

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arethereanyleftatall · 19/09/2026 15:37

This is so weird that you put up with this. Why do you?
I can’t see anything at all in this relationship for you.
of course his son prefers to be with him, your first post is about how he spoils him. Which makes him a terrible father, not a good one.

so you have described a son who wants to live with his father, and a relationship where there is no value whatsoever to you, and he clearly doesn’t enjoy it much either given you spend zero time together.

What has stopped him getting his own place and being the resident parent of his son? Cos that’s surely the obvious thing to do if your child is unhappy.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/09/2026 15:40

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 15:28

Nah, she isn't bothered where he goes. He just panics if there's the smallest bit of friction and catastrophises everything. One of the reasons I feel in love with him is I thought he was a great dad and he is but he'll ring him at least 4 times between 4pm and bedtime and polices every little detail, it's a very anxious attachment. It's like he wants the 1:1 time more than his son to make himself feel better. He's shit scared he'll lose him somehow. He takes a lot on and I feel like he thinks he has to make it up to his parents for the loss of his sister in some way by taking him over every weekend

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So he’s completely controlling but not prepared to do anything that would make his son happy. Your bar is on the floor op if you think this is a good man or good father.

Glowingup · 19/09/2026 15:41

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 15:28

Nah, she isn't bothered where he goes. He just panics if there's the smallest bit of friction and catastrophises everything. One of the reasons I feel in love with him is I thought he was a great dad and he is but he'll ring him at least 4 times between 4pm and bedtime and polices every little detail, it's a very anxious attachment. It's like he wants the 1:1 time more than his son to make himself feel better. He's shit scared he'll lose him somehow. He takes a lot on and I feel like he thinks he has to make it up to his parents for the loss of his sister in some way by taking him over every weekend

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Yeah he sounds like he has issues and I disagree with those who say that this is in the best interests of the child as well. Children that age generally don’t want or need intense 1:1 time with their parents (that’s driven by the parents). He’d probably be much happier hanging out with your son. Most teens want to spend time with their friends. Spending one on one time with my mum and dad as a teen would have been a nightmare for me (not that I didn’t want to see them at all but just not one on one). Your DP sounds very controlling and like maybe if his son comes to your house, he will lose him somehow.

Waytoohothot · 20/09/2026 18:42

Well it sounds like he goes to his parents to get away from you and your kids but hes not going to change,.i dont understand how you.think you can do something with just the 2 of you when you have 4 kids between you,.id be inclined to ask him to move out, but then again.hes being a good dad and maybe his son doesnt want to come to your house