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Original poster

AIBU for feeling my partner keeps his son at arms length from me?

36 replies

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 14:17

My partner and I are in our 40's, we've been together 8 years. He moved in with me and my 3 children, my youngest son is 13 now. His son is also 13 and lives with his mum but is still closer to his dad. He has him more than 50% in school holidays and as much as he can at other times.I feel like his dad has an anxious attachment style, partly due to a traumatic break up with his ex. He still babies him and he's spoilt rotten. My issue is that he refuses to bring him home when he has him, instead he takes him to his parents 30miles away and sleeps there with him. He generally stays 2 days and a night then, despite complaining he never sees him, would rather leave him there than bring him home to us for a day or 2. I expected his son to "move in" with my son when his dad had him (still with time at his grandparents, regular sleepovers obviously) but I don't see him for months at a time.

My partner was 19 when his older sister passed away in her early 20's after a long illness so I know his son brings a lot of light and joy to his grandma and grandad. He's put on a pedestal there and wants for nothing. I have NEVER tried to come between any of them and always admired how close they all were. I'm upset because I feel like I'm kept at arms length.

My partner now works Monday to Friday and straight after work he picks his son up, goes to his parents and comes home late Saturday evening, too tired to do anything with me. I work, rush around making sure everything is done at home but he isn't bothered about us doing anything together on Sunday

Our kids argue sometimes, never serious, never physical. My partner can't handle it, he doesn't like it if they are too noisy upstairs and blows up if they bicker rather than taking to them both and resolving it. He does say I'm a good mum and I've got more patience and understanding than him. We may do something with both boys (cinema, swimming etc) about twice a year after me nagging about it, it's just excuses the rest of the time. I have never wanted to come between him and his son, or the grandparents but I feel it's reasonable for us to spend a weekend together once a month or even 1 night or 1 day. I'm upset because he's too scared to say no to his son or parents just occasionally.

I've asked if he could stay over there Sat/Sun instead so we could do something Friday night or Saturday morning, just us or kids as well, I don't mind but it's always no.
There's times I've been on my absolute arse and needed him (health problems, a bitter divorce, estranged mum, dad died etc) our relationship has needed it but I'm never a priority. I don't want my partner all to myself, I just want to be included. Am I asking to much?

OP posts:
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SpryCat · 21/09/2026 18:56

I think it’s extremely weird, he has been with you for so long/ living with you but he has a separate life with his family. He is very closed off and he is unlikely to change, he isn't relationship material. He’s enjoying the perks of living with you but he’s counting down the minutes until he can see the only people important to him - his son and parents. There is too much trauma for him to be in a relationship and it’s very unfair that he is stringing you along.

Tuesdayschild50 · 21/09/2026 18:38

It sounds like he wants his son all to himself and doesn't want you to take something away from him maybe thats its got to be him and his son and the grandparents all sounds very intense.
I think unless it changes which it will naturally as said son gets older he won't want to be connected to his dad's hip for years on end .. you need to tell him honestly how it makes you feel and ask why he blocks you out of his life unless he needs you to drive which is downright cheeky tbh .

PowerfulLotus · 21/09/2026 14:05

If he seems to avoid both yourself and your son having contact with his son- perhaps he sees no long-term future in the relationship? Whilst he should prioritise his son - you have the right to prioritise your needs and desires. If there is a mismatch, it may be time to ask whether you can move forward with him.

Snoken · 21/09/2026 13:04

Sounds like that whole side of the family are still really suffering the loss of the sister and they are trying to contain their little family in a bubble that nobody can interfere with. It is control in a way, and it's probably completely fear based, but it's also kind of understandable given what they have gone through.

There is definitely a healthy balance that hasn't been found yet where they can be allowed lots of time just them, but where you and your son also can spend time with them occasionally. I think I would continue discussing this with him, but in a very non-judgemental way where they are not looked at as weirdos or overly clingy. Focus on the well-being of his child, try and think of fun things you can do together, even if it's just for an afternoon, and then see if you can make it grow from there.

Favouritefruits · 21/09/2026 09:45

Blended families arent all they are cracked up to be and can cause and stress I think the way you are currently doing things is great! Maybe a few more day trips as a whole family would be a good starting point. At 13 in the next few years he’s going to want to spend more time with his friends do naturally your husband will be home more.

MyMiniMetro · 21/09/2026 09:33

This is just weird. In all the time you’ve been together he’s been keeping you all separate? That always rings alarm bells for me, people who do this are usually liars and don’t want people talking to each other in case they get caught out in their lies.

He sounds massively controlling- calling it attachment issues is a fuzzy sounding excuse for his unacceptable behaviour. Calling a 13 year old 4 times every evening when he’s at his mum’s? Poor kid.

The 13 year old is a person not a possession and your partner needs to remember that. After so long together you are his family as much as his parents, but he’s treated you like just someone he simply dates. I wouldn’t tolerate that.

The 13 year old is old enough now to participate in a blended situation and spend more time with you and his dad (and hopefully get a bit of time for himself to hang out with friends) so I can’t see why your partner has to disappear off to his parents whenever he has his son, that is very very odd. And on top of that he only wants you around to play taxi, how rude.

Why did he break up with his ex, what’s his issue? Is he autistic because this is so weird I can’t understand it otherwise. It might look like he is putting his son first but he isn’t. He’s putting himself first, this is what suits him and relieves his anxiety. On top of that he seems resistant to change and unable to empathise with how all this leaves you feeling.

You need to discuss all this in relationship counselling. If you try to address it alone he’ll probably just avoid the conflict by gaslighting you and falling back on the ‘I’m just being a good dad’ defence and running off to his parents to hide.

Good luck x

KmcK87 · 21/09/2026 09:18

Do you think he maybe hears the way his son talks about his blended family on his mums side and doesn’t want that to happen with you? Either way this is a weird set up and I don’t think it’s sustainable. And the refusing to drive would actually be a deal breaker for me too.

SpryCat · 21/09/2026 08:41

He is living with you and keeping his other life separate to avoid any friction that blended families can have. If his son wanted to live with him full time he would move out without a care. He’s never felt comfortable around any squabbles between your dc or include you in time spent with his son unless you are driving them somewhere because you are a convenience to him. He gets his dinner cooked, a clean house and doesn’t feel lonely and gets driven about by you he is just passing time with you until he can see his son again. He might as well live with his parents because he is unavailable.

rwalker · 21/09/2026 07:34

I don’t think there anything wrong with what he’s doing but you have different expectations
it the big thing is you’ve got 3 kids his son will fell out numbered and a guest at your house where as at his GP it’s a proper family setup up

Original poster
MyLastFHasGone · 21/09/2026 07:20

Waytoohothot · 20/09/2026 18:42

Well it sounds like he goes to his parents to get away from you and your kids but hes not going to change,.i dont understand how you.think you can do something with just the 2 of you when you have 4 kids between you,.id be inclined to ask him to move out, but then again.hes being a good dad and maybe his son doesnt want to come to your house

I don't think I can do something with just the 2 of us. What I said was, I don't want him all to myself I just want to be included.
He's rather it was just us 2 if we do anything anyway.
8 years ago, they were kids. My eldest are 24 and 19 now and do their own thing.
I don't believe he goes to get away from me and my son. He's great with him and he's got it very easy when he's here. I just think he can't loosen his grip on his son or tell his parents he's coming a day later or occasionally not at all, that's what I was asking if that was unreasonable or not

OP posts:
Waytoohothot · 20/09/2026 18:48

arethereanyleftatall · 19/09/2026 15:37

This is so weird that you put up with this. Why do you?
I can’t see anything at all in this relationship for you.
of course his son prefers to be with him, your first post is about how he spoils him. Which makes him a terrible father, not a good one.

so you have described a son who wants to live with his father, and a relationship where there is no value whatsoever to you, and he clearly doesn’t enjoy it much either given you spend zero time together.

What has stopped him getting his own place and being the resident parent of his son? Cos that’s surely the obvious thing to do if your child is unhappy.

And add in he doesnt drive so you drive him everywhere, no need for a man nof to drive unless he has a reason,.what do you get from the relationship?

Waytoohothot · 20/09/2026 18:42

Well it sounds like he goes to his parents to get away from you and your kids but hes not going to change,.i dont understand how you.think you can do something with just the 2 of you when you have 4 kids between you,.id be inclined to ask him to move out, but then again.hes being a good dad and maybe his son doesnt want to come to your house

Glowingup · 19/09/2026 15:41

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 15:28

Nah, she isn't bothered where he goes. He just panics if there's the smallest bit of friction and catastrophises everything. One of the reasons I feel in love with him is I thought he was a great dad and he is but he'll ring him at least 4 times between 4pm and bedtime and polices every little detail, it's a very anxious attachment. It's like he wants the 1:1 time more than his son to make himself feel better. He's shit scared he'll lose him somehow. He takes a lot on and I feel like he thinks he has to make it up to his parents for the loss of his sister in some way by taking him over every weekend

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Yeah he sounds like he has issues and I disagree with those who say that this is in the best interests of the child as well. Children that age generally don’t want or need intense 1:1 time with their parents (that’s driven by the parents). He’d probably be much happier hanging out with your son. Most teens want to spend time with their friends. Spending one on one time with my mum and dad as a teen would have been a nightmare for me (not that I didn’t want to see them at all but just not one on one). Your DP sounds very controlling and like maybe if his son comes to your house, he will lose him somehow.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/09/2026 15:40

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 15:28

Nah, she isn't bothered where he goes. He just panics if there's the smallest bit of friction and catastrophises everything. One of the reasons I feel in love with him is I thought he was a great dad and he is but he'll ring him at least 4 times between 4pm and bedtime and polices every little detail, it's a very anxious attachment. It's like he wants the 1:1 time more than his son to make himself feel better. He's shit scared he'll lose him somehow. He takes a lot on and I feel like he thinks he has to make it up to his parents for the loss of his sister in some way by taking him over every weekend

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So he’s completely controlling but not prepared to do anything that would make his son happy. Your bar is on the floor op if you think this is a good man or good father.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/09/2026 15:37

This is so weird that you put up with this. Why do you?
I can’t see anything at all in this relationship for you.
of course his son prefers to be with him, your first post is about how he spoils him. Which makes him a terrible father, not a good one.

so you have described a son who wants to live with his father, and a relationship where there is no value whatsoever to you, and he clearly doesn’t enjoy it much either given you spend zero time together.

What has stopped him getting his own place and being the resident parent of his son? Cos that’s surely the obvious thing to do if your child is unhappy.

Original poster
MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 15:28

Glowingup · 19/09/2026 15:21

That’s weird. Do you think he disapproves of your son in some way? Thinks he’s a bad influence? Or could it be that his ex has insisted that it must be at the grandparents’ house? It does sound a bit odd tbh.

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Nah, she isn't bothered where he goes. He just panics if there's the smallest bit of friction and catastrophises everything. One of the reasons I feel in love with him is I thought he was a great dad and he is but he'll ring him at least 4 times between 4pm and bedtime and polices every little detail, it's a very anxious attachment. It's like he wants the 1:1 time more than his son to make himself feel better. He's shit scared he'll lose him somehow. He takes a lot on and I feel like he thinks he has to make it up to his parents for the loss of his sister in some way by taking him over every weekend

OP posts:
Glowingup · 19/09/2026 15:21

MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 14:44

That's a really interesting take, I get it. His son doesn't like living at home and would live with us in a heartbeat. He's always asking what my son is doing and when he's next seeing him. His dad blocks it

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That’s weird. Do you think he disapproves of your son in some way? Thinks he’s a bad influence? Or could it be that his ex has insisted that it must be at the grandparents’ house? It does sound a bit odd tbh.

Original poster
MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 15:17

Naurrr · 19/09/2026 14:22

It's a good thing that he doesn't dump his parenting onto you like most of the boyfriends written about on here.

It will be very hard on his kid knowing that his father chooses to live full time with unrelated children, so a good idea for him to have sole focus on the few days he does parent.
You could live separately and enjoy dating without any of the kids and chores etc.

He's a great dad. And they absolutely should have regular 1:1 time. All I'm asking is to occasionally join them. His son asks for it too.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 15:14

HareBrewery · 19/09/2026 14:53

How do you know his son is always asking about you son and when he'll see him next if you only see him every few months?

Also how do you know he is unhappy at his mum's house?

I didn't mean I only see him every few months. I meant we only do something nice as a family every few months. I might see him for half an hour coming back from grandparents or 10 minutes from football once a month. Very often he'll ask when he's seeing my son again. He gets really giddy when they're together. I hear him on the phone with his dad asking when he's seeing him or going to grandma and grandad's too. He doesn't ever like going back home, he moans about his mum, says he hates his step brother and has never mentions his step dad to his dad or me. They don't do anything with him like cinema or swimming.

OP posts:
Morecoffeeneedef · 19/09/2026 15:09

Leave it. Blended families rarely work out well for the children and these two boys bicker. DP's son may think he'd like to live with you, but he hasn't tried it and might not like your house rules after being idolised with his grandparents.

You should tell your partner that you need more quality time with him though, and that he needs to do a bigger share of chores.

Original poster
MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 15:06

RelievedNoYouTubeMum · 19/09/2026 14:52

How do you know his son is always asking about your son and doesn’t like living at home? Do you have contact with him or is your partner telling you?

I can see why it’s not great on your part but I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong personally. Not all kids do well in a blended family environment and his dad is protecting him

I see him every few weeks, usually for the driving around jobs (partner refuses to drive) and most times he'll ask what he's doing. I regularly hear him asking his dad on the phone when he's going to grandparents again. Occasionally when I drive over to bring him back and they say it's home time it's eye rolling, "if I must" and asking to stay. His mum doesn't take him out to do stuff. He told me a few weeks ago he hates his step brother but I know kids can be a bit dramatic sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLastFHasGone · 19/09/2026 14:58

EmeraldShamrock000 · 19/09/2026 14:41

His DS doesn’t want to be part of a blended family. I think it is nice of your partner to put his DS first.
One to one time is unusual with a parent when they’re live with another family.
DC shouldn’t have to blend together with step siblings because parents move in.

But he would want to if he was asked. He's always asking when he's seeing my son again. And I'd expect my partner to still have 1:1 time with him very often. I'm not asking him to share everything

OP posts:
HareBrewery · 19/09/2026 14:53

How do you know his son is always asking about you son and when he'll see him next if you only see him every few months?

Also how do you know he is unhappy at his mum's house?

RelievedNoYouTubeMum · 19/09/2026 14:52

How do you know his son is always asking about your son and doesn’t like living at home? Do you have contact with him or is your partner telling you?

I can see why it’s not great on your part but I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong personally. Not all kids do well in a blended family environment and his dad is protecting him

beaglescurleduplikebagels · 19/09/2026 14:46

It certainly wouldn't be something I would tolerate in a relationship.

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