To tell my sister she can’t bring her husband to my wedding?

It's also about the fiancee who was called a controlling bitch & is expected to just accept it for future harmony.

It's not the sister's fault she's married to an arsehole but expecting everyone else to accept it is a big ask.

I think there are loads of families up and down the land where they have siblings who they love very much and they marry people who are dickheads.
I would say most people do just try to get along as they would prefer to have their sibling in their life.

I am not condoning the 'selfish bitch' language but it sounds that, retrospectively, that there was a misunderstanding and people have apologized and can hopefully move on.
Not inviting the DH will 💯 cause more division and be asking the sister to choose her DH or her family. She will pick her DH

The comment to my daughter is more what has bothered me. My daughter is my daughter, not my fiancee’s, so obviously she can’t stop her seeing her aunt. I think he was getting at the fact that things would change once we were married and that my fiancee would somehow come between them.

Well maybe he has good grounds for thinking that.

He doesn't sound very nice, true, but you must see that excluding him from your wedding will potentially ruin your relationship with your sister permanently. If your fiancée is pushing for that then yes, she is coming between them.

The bit that sounds extremely worrying to me is the control that your fiancée appears to hold here.
According to you, there was a misunderstanding about the BBQ. This was followed by insults and strong words from both sides. And a remark to your daughter.
So what now, is this going to persist forever? She's holding a grudge and trying to get you to pick sides with her threats and justifications. This is not a fair position to put you in over something so minor.
If you don't invite your sister's husband, then I imagine that the possibility of a large family rift is a strong one. Your sister may very well not come. Your mum may get involved, other siblings. This is the sort of thing that divides families for years, I suspect your fiancée is well aware of this.
Your fiancée wants to continue to make a stand, well, who pays for it? You. You are the one stressed out, whilst she puts her foot down and threatens not to marry you. She should not be doing this, he should go and she can choose to ignore him.
Her behaviour is not ok and you must expect that she (and maybe also you) may well not be invited to future family events if you go along with this.
Too much drama over a silly argument.

I feel sorry for OP and her sister because they are caught in the middle!!

the tone of OPs posts make her sound so unsure of herself and scared to take a position either way which suggests the fiancee is domineering.

BIL is a twat but he’s an in law and don’t we just all avoid and ignore the annoying in law for the sake of our spouse?

its your wedding, so you should decide as a couple, if you exclude him it will cause a rift, if you invite him you will not be happy he is there but it will keep the peace. everybody has this dilemma when getting married, that people make demands i wont come if you don't invite scenario. invite them both but seat them the furthest table away and enjoy your day without making this man the focus. if they make anymore demands after he has been invited uninvite both of them. you dont have to pander to peoples demands even if they are family its your day

If your fiancée is willing to reconsider your relationship based entirely on a falling out to which she contributed 50%, I’d be seriously thinking about my future with this person.

Someone (ie. YOU) needs to have a word with your BIL and straight up say 1) calling her a bitch was a dick move and 2) involving your daughter was absolutely out of order and he needs to apologise and mean it.

Yes, I am amazed that nobody has had the emotional maturity to back down here and apologise for their part.
The OP has said that neither the brother-in-law, nor her fiancée came out of this without fault and that poor words were said by both. Interesting that we have been told what he said, but her words have not been disclosed. I wonder if there's a pressure to brush over her part to keep the peace.
Now the whole family are in this position.
We can't know what was said to the child or what was meant by this. He should apologise though, it may have worried her.
But there are 2 adults at the centre of this who need to move on and make amends.

Yes, you should invite him … it’s causing a family argument for the sake of it. It’s ridiculous to think she’s going to come without him and surely if they are not there everyone is going to ask where they are.

Agree … not like they are going to have to speak, he’ll probably say hello and congratulations. I think your partner sounds like she’s trying to control you and the relationship you have with your sister.

Invite him. He's your sister's husband.

Both BIL and your fiance sound like utter nightmares. She's telling you it's her way or the highway, and she won't marry you if he's invited and forcing you to choose between her and your sister, which is manipulative and controlling. There are red flags all over this thread and I'd be doing some serious reflecting on the entire relationship.

He obviously has the measure of your partner and she doesn’t like it … hence trying to remove him from the family.

But she’s does sounds controlling.

You need to invite the husband.

Just invite him. When we were young and naive, we had this romantic idea that we only wanted people we knew and liked at our small wedding. Very quickly realised this wasn’t at all possible without people getting arsey about their partner we had never met not being invited, other people we wanted there who wouldn’t have known anyone else etc. Got to the point when a friend asked if he could bring his new girlfriend a couple of weeks before the wedding I was annoyed but didn’t feel I could say no. So our very small
wedding was full of randoms we either didn’t much care for or didn’t even know! Probably exaggerating slightly 😂 but that’s how it felt!
I wouldn’t even bother if I were to get married now, I would elope.

He sounds like a knob but if I wanted a relationship with my sister I’d hold my nose and invite him.

Just invite him .Not inviting him is handing him and your sister loaded guns to use against you in any future arguments and disputes, which it sounds as though there will be. You will gain the moral high ground by inviting him.

Make sure you speak to the photographer and make sure you get some decent photographs that don’t have him in.

Best thing to do is to invite him and try to move on. You’ll cause a rift between your sisters family and yours and if your sister chooses not to come you’ll likely miss her on the day as well as causing a longer term rift.
Her husband doesn’t sound the best but equally he’s her family and although he’s been unpleasant I don’t think it’s event banning stuff.

This☝🏻 you’re making a rod for your own back if you accept this.
Just invite him to the wedding and if she calls it off then you’ll have had a lucky escape! 🚩

Everyone in this story is being ridiculous, especially your fiancé. Of course you have to invite your sister’s husband - to not invite him will be to continue to perpetuate this nonsense argument and cause unnecessary tension and drama. Is your fiance usually a drama llama?

I think you should invite him. Despite him overreacting about the bbq. I also wonder why your fiance dealt with the invitations to the bbq and why she is on the smaller family group, when your sister's husband isn't. Could you try to take more control in communication and decision-making in your relationship with your fiance? And the wider family?

If you are old enough to get married, then it's time you and your girlfriend leave the playground behind and start acting like growing ups. Of course you should invite him!

I actually think, based on what OP has stated, that OP is exacerbating this situation.

He is your BIL - your sister’s husband, and you are close to your sister.

If your fiancée were faultless I’d be saying 100% back her up.

She isn’t.

At this point I’d be saying to my fiancée that your sister is important to you, you want her at the wedding, and that means she needs to swallow her pride and allow her to attend with her husband.

If you fiancée is unable to swallow that pride for your sake (IT IS YOUR DAY TOO), and chooses to call it all off? I’d say you’ve dodged a bullet.

This has become less about who said what and who hurt whose feelings, and more about ego and pride.

Your BIL is not blameless and you need to put your big girl pants on and be saying to him that IF he chooses to attend your wedding, he needs to apologise specifically for his comments, especially to your daughter.

Then let these fully grown adults work it out for themselves.

Ultimately, stop being a doormat and lay down some boundaries. What other people choose to do with them is not your responsibility.

I think you need to invite him to the wedding for all the reasons everyone has laid out, but I'm team fiancee in terms of the argument though - your sister missed the messages, that's on her, she should have explained that and that should have been that. You do assume that couples are invited together for that sort of thing, they don't have to both receive separate invites or one of them won't be there. For your sister's husband then to go to messages calling her a controlling bitch is really not on, and I wouldn't be happy with him making comments to my daughter either.

I think you need to really validate how your fiancee feels about this but appeal to long term family unity....