Page 11 | To tell my sister she can’t bring her husband to my wedding?

Piggywiggyy · 20/09/2026 16:01

You can not invite him but prepare for her not to come and for the fall out afterwards.

CuriousToad · 20/09/2026 16:12

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 14:30

I don’t think she’s controlling generally, no. She can be quite stubborn though and once she feels someone has crossed a line she really doesn’t want to back down. Which is probably not helping here.

There weren’t issues like this before she came along, but tbh I don’t think that’s necessarily because she is causing them. My family can be quite argumentative and there have been fallouts between my siblings before. It’s just never involved me having to choose who comes to something.

The bbq wasn’t actually a case of my BIL being the only person excluded. There were several people who weren’t invited and it was more that he thought my fiancee had deliberately arranged it that way. I don’t think there was some huge conspiracy behind it, it was just badly communicated and then everyone got defensive.

As for my daughter seeing my sister less, no, there isn’t any plan for that. If anything my daughter sees her more than most of my siblings. That’s why I found the comment odd. I don’t know where he got the idea from.

I am taking the comments about the wedding seriously though. I don’t want to be stood there on the day knowing my fiancee is absolutely miserable, but equally I don’t want to look back and realise I let one family row decide who was at my wedding. That’s basically what I’m stuck between.

I’m not sure why you find the comment he made about seeing your daughter less so odd? Your fiancée dislikes him so much she’s willing to cause lifelong issues with your family. It’s not odd that he would expect that once you’re married to the woman who dislikes him so much, they will see less of you.

Not inviting him to the wedding will almost certainly cause awkwardness or friction with your sister and therefore she’ll probably not want to see much of you. You can say that’s your sister making a choice, but it’s not really when it’s a choice made because your fiancée insulted her family. Even if your sister can rise above it, your fiancée is still not going to want to attend events (Christmas, birthdays etc) or socialise with him. So it’s logical that your DD and sister will see each other less.

DraigCymraeg · 20/09/2026 16:16

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 13:27

I’m getting married next May to my fiancee and we’re having a small wedding, 38 day guests and about 20 more in the evening. I don’t know what to do about my sister’s husband. Invitations aren’t out yet but it’s a family issue.

There are five of us siblings. My mum had three with my dad, then two with her second husband. My youngest half-sister is 26 and we’re really close, probably closer than I am to any of my other siblings. She’s been married before and has been with her current husband around 18 months. I have never really been close to him.

Tbh I have never really liked him, tbh, anyway, though. I think he’s a bit of a dick, but I know that isn’t really a reason to ban someone’s husband from your wedding. He’s not abusive and I haven’t tried to exclude him from family things before. He would normally be invited because we’re inviting established couples. My daughter is 9 and she’s the only child attending.

About six months ago he and my fiancee had a massive argument. He thought she’d deliberately left him out of a family barbecue and then messaged me saying I was letting my partner dictate the family. My fiancee replied and it all got quite nasty. I told both of them afterwards that it was ridiculous and said we should leave it. He has apologised once, but only for things getting heated, not for anything specific that was said.

What changed it for my fiancee was something he said to my daughter. He said “your mum won’t let you see your aunt as much once she’s married”. It wasn’t a threat, but I didn’t like him saying it to her. My fiancee now says she doesn’t feel comfortable having him there. I wasn’t there, she told me about it later that same evening.

My sister says her husband has been made the scapegoat for an argument that involved several people. She says she won’t come without him because it makes her feel her marriage is less important than mine. I can see why she feels that way, although I don’t think she’s entitled to bring someone my fiancee doesn’t want there.

My mum offered to pay for her hotel and childcare to attend. My sister says that’s made it worse because her family is asking her to choose between her husband and family. They paid a non refundable £180 hotel deposit, although I told her to wait. The venue has the capacity limit.

So I haven’t uninvited him because the invitations aren’t out yet. My fiancee says she’ll reconsider if he comes. I know never liked him, so I question it. Is it reasonable to invite my sister but not husband because of this, or am I making her choose between her marriage and my wedding? Mum told her we’re discussing it before I’ve decided.

It is one person - invite him for heaven's sake.
You all sound as though you encourage drama - life is too short.

ByUniqueViper · 20/09/2026 17:40

Invite him. Hes your sisters husband and part of the family. Your sister shouldn't have to go on her own.
Sometimes we have to tolerate family members rather than actually like them

Evilspiritgin · 20/09/2026 18:07

Why the heck didn’t your fiancé just say sorry about the cockup in the first place?

Op said in the first post that her mum knows that they’re deliberating about inviting him, the shit is going to hit the pan because this is going to involve the whole family before op realises it

BeardySchnauzer · 20/09/2026 18:08

Evilspiritgin · 20/09/2026 18:07

Why the heck didn’t your fiancé just say sorry about the cockup in the first place?

Op said in the first post that her mum knows that they’re deliberating about inviting him, the shit is going to hit the pan because this is going to involve the whole family before op realises it

I think op said mum had already told sister?

so they’re waiting to find out if he’s made the cut - I’m sure that’s gone down well

Easterchicken · 20/09/2026 18:10

Yes

That is a dick move

stuffedanimalsandchocolate · 20/09/2026 18:13

This is ridiculous. Of course you have to invite your sister’s husband to your wedding if you want her to attend. To not invite him would be wildly dramatic and possibly sever the relationship between you and her.

do you think people usually only have people they personally like at their weddings? Almost every wedding ever will have had people the couple doesn’t like attend, from sibling’s bad boyfriends and girlfriends to stepmothers that were the other woman to dodgy uncles. That’s part and parcel of family life.

LongDarkTeatime · 20/09/2026 18:18

So you are in effect being asked to chose between your marriage and your sister. Feeling for you.
My suggestion, tell your sister you need to meet, or send her an email (to give room to reply). Summarise that this has blown up because the BBQ info didn’t get to him because she wasn’t attending. That does not excuse him using that language to your partner. At the very least he needs to take responsibility for that before any invitation can be considered. Check in with your DS whether he’s ever treated her like that (doubt it ca me out of nowhere, be concerned for her).
If he was to take responsibility and apologise to both your partner and daughter, could your partner tolerate his presence? Also could your parents be trusted to keep him away from your daughter?

nutbrownhare15 · 20/09/2026 18:26

What you have outlined is not serious enough to cause a lifelong fallout with your sister.

AgnesMcDoo · 20/09/2026 18:28

You can’t not invite your BIL and think that your family relationships won’t be forever damaged.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 20/09/2026 18:29

I think maybe it is controlling to book hotel rooms for a wedding in order to dictate whom the bridal couple are to invite.... Especially if you've been advised not to do that, but to wait. I don't think the OP's fiancée was responsible for that particular dick move.

Something that seems to be being missed, too, is that this is a wedding with 38 guests. It may be quite hard to ignore/stay away from one out of that few people.

If someone had called me a controlling bitch because his wife failed to pass on an invitation to a BBQ and he took the hump and blamed me, I would really not want him at my wedding. And I would worry for his wife; that sort of nastiness is probably not confined to people outside the immediate family. Also, sister has form for bad choices of man if she's already had one divorce. No obvious DV (the OP is clear on that) doesn't mean no abuse; bellittling and sneering is also in the list.

Talk with and listen to your fiancée, OP. It is important, particularly the second part of that.

BeardySchnauzer · 20/09/2026 18:34

Of the 38 guests - how many are your side OP?

honestly, my fil told me to fuck off on my wedding day but I just let it wash over me and ignore it. People are very quick to cut people out of their lives

bathdragon · 20/09/2026 18:43

Do not invite him your sister knows what he is like and to say that to your daughter is way out of order. Why should you have to be the one who is the peace maker when your sister denies what an ASLA he is. Take care of your daughter and partner

Zerosleep · 20/09/2026 19:01

I think you should invite him. Life is too short and these are BS first world problems. Isn’t the relationship with your sister more important?

Sorehandsandfeet · 20/09/2026 19:02

So, in all honesty, how has your relationship with your sister changed since you've been with your fiancee? Are you seeing her as much as you used to? Do you get to see her alone or with your daughter only? Does your fiancee become upset if you make plans with your sister without her? I think there are much bigger issues here and BiL could be reacting to that.

BobbySox71 · 20/09/2026 19:04

invite him, you can’t not invite a family members spouse.

I know this from experience, I was uninvited to step daughters wedding and DH was FOB. It was because I said DD age 16 first heard about the hen party when she saw the pictures on social media after the event.
It caused a rift between me and DH but we got over it but I will never speak or have anything to do with SD.
Keep the peace with your DS and invite him

Lmnop22 · 20/09/2026 19:11

Obviously you invite him! They’ve paid £180 and it’s your future brother in law, any other decision and you’ll cause a rift with your sister and punish her for one silly argument that really doesn’t sound so bad

JustanotherManikMumday · 20/09/2026 19:15

I'd say i was willing to invite if he is willing to apologise for the comment to your daughter and accept that he was wrong to bring a child into a family discussion and use them like that. It tells your sister you are willing to compromise if met half way. Then if he doesn't apologise his the one making her pick.

11AndCounting · 20/09/2026 19:18

The thing I can't quite get past is that OP's fiancée's current behaviour does appear controlling, in terms of the severity of the ultimatum, and the OP seems to indicate that this is consistent with past behaviour.

Not that it would excuse BIL's behaviour, but it does leave me wondering if the BBQ mix-up wasn't the true genesis of this, and the fiancée is the underlying problem.

RubyToDosDay · 20/09/2026 19:21

The ‘we had a disagreement so you’re not invited to my wedding’ smacks of primary school ‘you can’t come to my party’ mentality.
How about you all sit down and have a conversation? I would use that as an opportunity to call out your brother in law for being weirdly manipulative to your daughter, too (talk about shit stirring with that comment!)
They all sound like bloody children!

JJWT · 20/09/2026 19:33

The first few responses seem to be ignoring the fact that your fiancee is going to reconsider getting married if he's invited.

Ferrissia · 20/09/2026 20:20

RedSheep26 · 19/09/2026 19:08

I have a different perspective to most on this thread, informed by your latest update clarifying the argument OP, but also by your earlier posts.

There is a separate group chat with only nuclear family members - normal
Your sister missed the messages inviting them as a couple to the BBQ - not a big issue
Your sister didn’t tell BIL about the invite - not a big deal, but certainly not your fiancée’s fault
BIL lost his shit about thinking he had not been invited to the BBQ and started sending angry messages - ridiculous escalation
BIL called your fiancée a “controlling bitch” when she’d done nothing wrong - abusive, misogynistic escalation
BIL then dragged your nine year old child into the argument - manipulative, controlling and really nasty.

I really don’t understand the comments calling your fiancée controlling. She apologised for her part in the argument and for insulting him back, while he has never apologised for calling her a bitch. It seems to me like he’s throwing his weight around and is a nasty piece of work. He expects her to suck up his shitty, aggressive behaviour - not for the first time maybe if you already dislike him?

I can absolutely see why she’s uncomfortable having him at the wedding. Did you stand up for her when he lashed out and called her a bitch? Or did you leave her to deal with him alone, when she had done nothing wrong and he instigated a nasty fight?

We had people at our wedding that my husband or I were lukewarm on, that’s normal. We did not have anyone at our wedding who’d verbally abused either of us because their partner didn’t tell them about a BBQ they were invited to. Ridiculous.

Edited

I agree with this. It's by no means inevitable that not inviting him will result in long-term fallout - hopefully your sister will divorce him. He called your fiance a controlling bitch? Ffs.

CuriousDaisy · 20/09/2026 20:21

OP have you and your fiancée thought about the consequences if your BIL isn’t invited?

For example, if there is an event organised by your sister and BIL or a gathering at their house and they decide not to invite your fiancée as a result of the bad blood? Would your fiancée really be ok with you and your daughter going without her?

I think that you will be starting a whole chain of future issues if BIL isn’t invited.

I understand that your fiancée wants to relax and enjoy the wedding day and it would be awkward if someone you’ve fallen out with is there. But surely the solution is to meet up like adults and discuss and resolve the issues? Otherwise I feel that this will be just the start of you having to make a choice between her and your family…

BlackRowan · 20/09/2026 20:25

Omegaez · 19/09/2026 14:12

I probably haven’t explained the original argument very well tbh because it was a whole mess and other people were involved. He wasn’t the only person not invited to the bbq, it wasn’t my fiancee sitting there deciding who was and wasn’t allowed. There was a misunderstanding about who had actually been invited and he took it very personally.

The comment to my daughter is more what has bothered me. My daughter is my daughter, not my fiancee’s, so obviously she can’t stop her seeing her aunt. I think he was getting at the fact that things would change once we were married and that my fiancee would somehow come between them. Maybe I’m reading too much into it though.

And yes, when I say she’ll reconsider the wedding, she means she genuinely doesn’t want him there and doesn’t know if she can go through with the day if he is. I don’t know whether that’s actually a threat to call it off or whether she’s saying it because she’s very upset about everything that’s happened.

I do take the point about the longer term though. I don’t want this to become a situation where my sister and her husband aren’t welcome at family things because of one argument. That’s partly why I’m struggling with it. I also don’t want to make the decision purely because I don’t like him because that’s obviously not fair.

You didn’t take well the comment to your daughter but what he said was true.
your future wife ALREADY is pushing your sister out because of her husband, for now out of your wedding. If she can’t be civil around him at a family event how likely is that she will do that any other occasions? How often your sister will be able to visit? Your daughter as a result will not see her aunt very often indeed.

sorry your future wife comes to me as someone with a bunch of red flags.

somehow there was confusion as to
who was invited - are you sure she didn’t create this confusion deliberately?