AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

Wow - HE is controlling and this is no way to live. If you live together /are married - your children are his step-children. He should and is financially responsible for them too. This does not sound like a partnership

It's not about whether you have an opinion or are laid back about it or are being petty.

It's about demonstrating to him what it feels like to have something he regards as normal/essential criticised as extravagant and unnecessary - as he is doing to you. It's about giving him another way to look at things.

I live alone in a three bedroom house and use every square meter of it. It's not a given that op and her husband would want to live in a smaller one. Not everyone wants to make do with a smaller property, especially not when they can easily afford where they are living at the moment.

So, your initial question was,
"Would I be unreasonable to tell him to do his own shopping if he is that bothered!! It literally doesn't cost him a penny extra regardless of what I buy!!"

TBH, I think it is the optimum solution. And since "he has his own double cupboard for things that only be eats and we have two fridge freezers" it is best he keeps all his food separately; in that double cupboard and one of the fridge-freezers for his sole use (and he has to keep his nose and hands out of yours). He can be reassured by knowing where every penny of his personal food budget is going.

"We eat our evening meal together as a family, we always make an extra portion for him to take to work the next day too."
I'd be changing that. He wants to buy and eat the cheapest of the cheap and would "eat plain chicken and rice every day" if he were shopping for himself. So let him do that. No more cooking extra portions for him, tell him you'll stick his chicken and rice on whilst you're cooking your own, from your cupboards/fridge-freezer. You'll still be eating together, but he eats the cheap shit he wants to eat and you and your children can eat a nice varied menu. He will have nothing to complain about because he's paying for his own and eating his own, and if I heard one word of criticism from him about what I was eating, he'd be eating alone.

No more making nice food for him from your supplies. No more supplying him with tomorrow's lunch either. The tight git can buy and prepare his own. I'd be wondering how Mr Tightfist regarded these portions. In his mind, is it a financial 'win' because he's getting something he hasn't paid for? I wonder.

"Occasionally if I am cooking something he won't eat I makes something different for him. I am cooking separately for DS anyway (autistic) so it doesn't bother me."
Well he's getting chicken and rice now.

"When he cooks he cooked it they way he likes it which is fine just quite bland."
I would not be happy with that. You cater to his tastes but he won't cater to yours? No. I'd be cooking for myself now, without exception. I'd make him his bland chicken and rice on top, but I wouldn't eat his bland food. Food is one of life's great pleasures, if he wants to reduce it to 'fuel' he can, but he can't do that to everyone else in the household.

"He is significantly better off financially after we moved on together than he was when living on his own and he benfeyfrom a nicer home than he originally had."
And I'd be pointing that out every time he was fool enough to nitpick over my spending of my money. And asking if he's so bothered by my spending that he'd prefer to reverse back to those living arrangements. No? Well put a sock in it then!

"Although he is very focused on us being a family and using the joint account but only on his terms."
So you're allowed to put money into the joint account, but he wants to be in control of what comes out of it? No, nopeity, nein. That's not how 'joint' works.

A few posters have pointed out that his behaviour is controlling, and I agree with them, it is. Neurodiversity (especially undiagnosed) should never be a Get Out Of Jail Free Card for that.

But For now, I'd be telling him 'that's your cupboard, that's your fridge-freezer, from now on your food budget is all yours to do with as you wish, knock yourself out living on a fiver a week if that floats your boat. But you don't touch my food cupboards or my fridge-freezer, you haven't paid a penny towards their contents so they're off-limits. And I don't want to hear a peep out of you about how I spend my money'.

And see how it goes.

Again, controlling.

"I do most of the cleaning. He is tidy but I clean properly, I do all the bathrooms, we do our own laundry and I do DSs, we take turns cooking and doing dishes, I change the bedding and do stuff like dusting, wiping surfaces, he does bins."

If all he does is dishes and bins, and I presume you'd be paying the cleaner - it's really not his call. If you want a cleaner, get a cleaner. He only get to say 'no' if he's prepared to do all the cleaning, and to your standard.

Do you think he'd do that if you offered to pay him what a cleaner would charge you?

I'd forgotten about him forbidding the OP to have a cleaner, whilst not doing any of the actual cleaning himself!

He is SO controlling.

I think there should be compromise in a relationship, but it shouldn't always be me who's doing it.

Another poor woman in a controlling relationship that has no idea.

This is not a good man.

Sounds like very sage advice. I’d think hard, in your shoes.

Really? He is living in OPs house, so I wonder how muh he is paying via rent. Or is the house mortgage free? If so, it seems like the dud is getting the pearl part of the oyster.

@BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug I think you ought to let him go back to having his own place. Easier for you, less stressful for everyone. Is he paying on the rent or mortgage?

Whoa! What kind of share does he have in the house? Did you buy one together or did he move into yours?

Sorry, but his nickel and dime behavior would cause me to lose my shite.

This is what I keep thinking. Now it doesn't seem to be a big deal. Except her DP is, little by little trying to erase any choices the OP has. He is very controlling, no matter how "nice" he can be other times.

I think that as time goes by, resentment on both sides will grow. Him because she isn't following his every instruction and her because she is losing all choices and the ability to breathe freely.

I could never eat food that is bland or have everything from Aldi's. It's too restrictive and kills enjoyment of food, treats and little by little, life with that person.

But then, I've only been married 48 years so what do I know. 😎😉

Well, one of you IS wrong. It just isn't you. I feel he assumes if he keeps on and on you about it, you'll give in on anything he wants just his way, because you seem easier to mold/compromise.

splitting of finances is bizarre
food prices have gone up massively
probably worth both of you increasing the monthly amont into the account and split it 50:50
sounds like a stressful set up
if hes happy to do the shopping every week and you dont mind … give him this control

Sorry, I skipped two pages and missed the post about your dog and buying together. Sorry! I hope the division of who owns what is concrete and not able to be changed.

It's also not outing to me in any way, so maybe others won't jump on.

I just hope you keep your same attitude and not let him erode your decisions to the point where you compromise so much you get lost in the relationship.

Can I come live with you? Oh yum! j/k

But it sounds like eating at your house is healthy and fun!

I think we all understand that you love him. But, if you cannot get him to talk about the food purchases without him making digs and rude remarks (millionaire etc), there is no way anyone else will have a solution. He's not going to see anything he doesn't like logically, whether it's because he's "ND" or just a miserly azzhat.

I just refuse to hand every jerk, miser, or "my way or the highway" person ND as an excuse. That or all of us are ND in some way, shape and form; which then would mean we are all NT. That could get confusing.

“Quaint” 🤣.

There are lots of reasons people don’t regularly do an online shop. Many of them associated with money. This may not be the case for OP but please, check your privilege.

but please, check your privilege.

No.

You know nothing whatsoever about my life, beyond what I’ve written here. What I know about the OP is that she has a decent salary and a comfortable standard of living. And that she and her husband are at odds over how much is spent and what choices are made when either of them goes to the supermarket for the weekly shop. In such circumstances it seemed likely to be very much less time consuming and cause much less friction if they placed an order for online grocery delivery. Or two separate orders. Whatever.

The OP was quite at liberty to say, as she has done, why that isn’t acceptable to her husband, even though she’d prefer it.

It’s weird that you think I wouldn’t be aware of factors that might make online shopping inaccessible, or impossible. I’m a sentient, literate adult with life experience and access to information and news. I tend to assume that other MN users are, too. I suspect if you met me face to face you would be mortified at having attempted to silence me with a glib phrase.

I think you should both stop paying the food budget into the joint account. You can get your delivery every week and he can go to Aldi every week and do his shopping. He won’t see you what you spend and he can still satisfy his need to spend less.

I would just add that these situations can worsen with age as they become more and more entrenched. My friend is now living in something similar to a hostage situation with one of her offspring who controls when she goes to bed, when she turns on a tap and what time she goes out/comes in.

So however much you love him and can accommodate his 'foibles' at present, it might be worth sorting out the bigger wrinkles now, because one day it might be nearly impossible for him to change even one small element of his behaviour.

@BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug - I’m curious, apart from his aversion to your poor dog, were you aware of your husband’s ‘foibles’ at the time you married? Or while you were maintaining separate marital households? Or have they only become apparent since you moved in together?

And yes, there’s another implied question …

🤔

Have the row. And then have it again if required.

It’s your money and his need to be tight doesn’t trump your preferences. YOU have agency here just as much as he does. Sly little comments would get right on my wick.

I couldn't live like that! What's the point of earning good money and having to decide whether you should buy essential baked beans or Heinz to stay within a self imposed budget. I am actually pretty poor - zero hours contract, just come off universal credit and taking home between £1000 to £1200 a month- but I've never had a weekly budget (I have no debts and savings of about £2k).

Then definitely “‘ask” to do the weekly shop permanently since he’s so much better than you. I t would be a win for you. No more complaining and one less job for you.