AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

Relationships are a compromise that’s the downside of living together but it does seem like he’s not willing to budge or compromise enough.

The potential ND is irrelevant, if he can’t compromise then he can’t live with someone.
It’s not an excuse to only have things his own way.

There’s a lots of controlling behaviours whereby it’s not been the persons intention and do not recognise that it’s controlling or the damage it does

If I smack you repeatedly in the face because I’m strongly waving my arms around all the time, maybe I didn’t mean to hurt you but I still hurt you. It would be my responsibility to work on myself so I am not endangering other people with my involuntary arm waving - it isn’t for everyone else to forever dance around my arms hoping they don’t get hit. If it isn’t possible for me to ever control my arm waving then as sad as it is for me, it isn’t safe for other people to be around me.

Whether someone means to be controlling or abusive is not in and of itself enough reason for someone to put up with controlling and abusive behaviour, even if that person is nd. I am sorry I know people really don’t want to hear that, but it’s true. I know plenty of nd people who don’t control or abuse people. So many women are putting up with this type of thing and excusing it away as probably nd or quirks and it’s exhausting just hearing about it. In 5 years op will be ground down and living on Aldi beans as it’s just easier than always fighting it.

OP I’ve read your posts. This is exactly how mine started. Please, please, please keep you eyes wide open.

This is absolutely nuts. He's tight, isn't he? By which I mean very tight. Your food budget is tiny! I earn half what you do and we spend over £200 a week for just two of us because we can afford it .

Scent beads are terrible for your washing machine and for the environment.

God, men and their egos. He's happy to benefit from you earning more, but he also needs to bring in some who-really-wears-the-trousers crap. Nip this in the bud hard and fast or you'll have a terrible life. Tell him to knock it off or you'll leave him to do all the shopping, meal planning and cooking. Failing that, ask him to think a bit more about what it would cost him to go back to two separate households.

Any other excuses, same - slap it down hard and make it clear this isn't up for debate. Space in the freezer? Yeah, mate - my house, my freezer, my money and I'll arrange the freezer how I damn well like. And so on.

I think you've married a sexist prick tbh. But if you want to stay married and not spend your life pandering to a sexist prick's nonsense, you'll need to set the ground rules right from the start. They can change, sometimes - but it usually requires a woman to be very firm and not give an inch.

This. It sounds stressful and hideously unromantic. Yikes.

Have to say I agree with a previous poster with so much disposable income you could live that same way. Plenty of money to save/invest and enjoy nice cheese, fresh sourdough and Ocado if you want. What is stopping you, just his attitude?

Just tell him
If he thinks you buy crap then you don’t mind if he wants to buy his own food and take the 40% food money out the joint account
Has it’s getting to the point you don’t want to be arguing and you have more that enough money spare to enjoy what you want to eat
your quite willing to do your own shop with your 60% food money and put whatever more in it costs you.

Live’s to short to deprive yourself, especially if you can afford to buy whatever you want

Hi @BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug,

He sounds similar to my (autistic) DH.

Mine has financial anxiety despite us being higher earners. He'd probably just live on tinned fish if on his own!

He also needs to control his environment and doesn't instinctively understand the impact he has on others. I have to carefully explain this to him.

We compromise by having budgets and long-term saving plans whilst also spending enough to enjoy life now. Whether that's groceries or entertainment. When I explain that this is important to me he complains less.

What doesn't work is comparing our family to others (he thinks they're wrong), saying the kids want it (he thinks they're spoilt) or me staying quiet (he's then oblivious to the compromises I'm making).

Hi OP, this constant moaning about how much you spend on food and 'crap' would actually be a big deal for me, whether it's done in a jokey way or not. (You know he's not joking).

It is actually your husband being very controlling, and I would not be going along with it.

If I could afford to eat Heinz baked beans there's no way I'd eat Aldi's because someone else "has to have them".

Food is one of life's great pleasures, and if I can afford to buy whatever I want, that's what I'm going to do.
Why should you be the one to compromise?

Him saying that he's worried about storage space and food waste is him trying to justify why you should do what he wants you to do ie eat cheap food and only buy the bare minimum.

It sounds like you have plenty of space, and waste very little.

Fwiw I worked with SEN students for 22 years, so I do know a little bit about dealing with people with ND.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about how he is disrespecting you and the choices you are entitled to make as a self-financing adult.

Tell him that it is infuriating to be told what you can and cannot buy and eat, and that you will not be having another conversation about it again.

Offer him the opportunity to have his own food budget, own fridge freezer, and own store cupboard, so that he can control his own space and food waste.

And you and your DC can have the same. And he cannot comment on any of it.

Good luck OP.

It’s him who is arguing,
yes absolutely yes tell him to buy his own food

There’s three of us, then!

What a miserable way to live...

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life.
I actually thought you both must be really short of money.

He sounds joyless. I had one like this that moaned about groceries or heating or the cost of anything that wasn't as he claimed benefitting him. This is because it was about there being more for him and him alone.

Of course the budget was under that week, you were hardly there!

You work hard and you spend your money as you see fit. No one would tell me not to buy the decent laundry detergent or the nice bits of food. Life is too short for this shit.

I'd buy for you and your DC and he can sit there with beans and rice. Or better still move out.

I’m all for compromise and accepting people’s quirks. If I were you I’d be thinking very carefully about what compromises he was making on my behalf and just check that the balance is fair. I would, however, be shutting down the constant ‘jokes’ (you know it’s not a joke or it wouldn’t get to you) and quite firmly so. I would be spelling out all the compromises you have already made for him and that the choices you make around food shopping beyond that have no impact on him, and if he said it again, then I would have to assume that he is actually malicious and controlling.

I couldnt be bothered for this seperate money, bickering about who pays what rubbish.

Its not costing him anything so he should just be quiet.

my H is absolutely the other way and won’t compromise on quality , be it food, holiday hotels or flights at shit times and we most certainly aren’t loaded- and probably won’t ever be given his spending habits - we do eat well though and he’s king of a yellow sticker for freezer.

I do teach my ND child both that she is loved, but also that other people have needs too. She knows she will either have to live alone, or compromise. She knows that it isn’t acceptable to be the only one setting all the rules in a shared house.

‘We’ aren’t teaching our children that. And the ones that are teaching their kids that only their wants matter, are indeed setting them up to fail.

@BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug

I don't disagree with how you and he are handling the finances. If it works for you, if you don't mind kicking in a bit extra, so be it. And if you don't mind doing more housework, more power to you. It just seems like you are doing a lot more of 'giving in' than he is. You need to watch this carefully because it can get out of hand before you realize it.

What I wouldn't put up with is his criticizing you spending your own money. If there were to be a discussion it wouldn't focus on who pays for what or why it's OK for you to spend more from your own finances it would focus solely on why does it emotionally bother him when it doesn't come out of his money. It doesn't cost him, from what you say there is space in the fridge and cupboards, and there isn't much food wastage. So I'd bat away any comments along those lines with very calmly saying "There is room, so why does it bother you?", "There is not great wastage, so why does it bother you?", and "It doesn't cost you a penny piece more, so why does it bother you?". If you drill down and repeat until he (hopefully) sputters into silence, maybe he'll realize that he needs to shut up. And if he doesn't, then you seriously need to consider whether or not it's simply about control in an area he feels he can.

I always get very surprised about how some couples organise their joint income down to the last penny.
Sometimes I pay for food sometimes my husband does we share it all and don't think about who is eating what or who is spending more on treats. Or whether I am using more food because I invited my friends round to dinner!
We don't have the perfect marriage but we have never argued about money or who pays for what. We just get on with it!
The nitpicking that seems to happen in some relationships is just unbelievable to me