AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

The fact is, this isn’t about the £40 gifts that you bought… it is everything else (maybe like PP have said, buy gifts now for your own family and he buys his own)

As you say, he is putting your own money as hostage and dictating how you spend it.

He is not in control of that. If you want to spend your own money on extras and not expecting him to contribute that’s his problem, not you trying to assert your principles on him.

There's only two adults and two dogs in my house and my supermarket shop averages a £100 a week. I think you need to revisit budgets and adjust them to be realistically. Cut backs can be made, eg, dropping down a brand level.
You say he doesn't contribute to kids about assuming it's only the two of you paying for gas, electric, water, TV subscriptions, internet etc then he does contribute to them

Are you the first partner he’s ever lived with? Has he had any other significant long term romantic relationships?

And what did you say in reply to that? No need to answer specifically.
I expect at some point you just fizzled out and gave up the argument.

In his mind, the matter is now settled because you didn't come back with a counter argument, so now between you the tacit agreement is that his definition of 'controlling' is the valid one. Therefore he is not controlling and you have acceded to this position.

Neurotypical people who have not encountered autistic minds closely often fail to appreciate how deep the 'dysfunction' goes, or just how divergent their way of thinking is. It is not abusive in the sense of being malicious or nasty, though the result on the other person can be the same as any old common or garden controlling abuser.
(Of course, every autistic person is different, I am talking about a common pattern in a certain type of high-intellect autism).

There is two ways to approach such a conversation with this type of autistic person

One: go the distance. Don't flake out or give up or leave it unfinished. Come back with a counter argument to every single thing you disagree with. You have got to be on the ball and quick thinking. If he goes off on a tangent about your fathers' behaviour last Christmas or the state of the garden, you say "that is not what we are discussing right now, we are talking about control and the joint account". Eventually, after a few hours, it bottoms out and you get to agree concrete definitions and rules that you are both happy with.
Write them down. You will need to refer to the agreement in future.
This approach not only resolves the issue at hand, it gives you deep insight into his thinking and values and emotional drivers, which will help in other areas of conflict.

Two: if you don't have the stamina or quick mind or just can't be bothered, refuse to engage on the topic. Say "these are my red-lines, this is what I will and won't do, and from now on you just have to work around me and I won't be discussing it further". The issue will gnaw away in his mind like a festering mosquito bite, so he will keep coming back to re-open the discussion. Still don't engage or get dragged into his discomfort. Repeat your red-lines and rules, and tell him to put up with it.
This is less productive for the relationship long term, but may be the only way if you don't want option one. It has the advantage of not pandering to the autism and reflects more closely how the rest of society has immovable rules that he disagrees with but has to follow.

This just all sounds so exhausting. You have to go to Aldi, you have to have a buffer, you’re quizzed on purchases if he isn’t there when you buy them, you have a row because you spent £40 even after telling him what it’s for.

I know you love him, but how is this sustainable? It’s fine keeping separate finances but the way he makes it so painful, it might as well be separate households!

I just don’t think it should be this hard, even if he is OCD about money, he has to accept some changes or he can’t be in a relationship. Compromise has to be two way, which is why everyone is trying to warn you that it’s controlling even if he doesn’t “mean” it.

For me, I’d not be able to cope with the kids not being allowed to eat on the sofa. It just means I’d never feel relaxed in my own home.

I have no real experience, but food is a joy for a lot of people. Sounds like once the kids are grown you are going to have a restrictive diet if you don’t reach an agreement as spending £20 on M&S treats is going to cause a war 😱

Your last paragraph is saddening, OP. It is a great example of the ways in which a person tries to minimise and abaron their partner’s control. You shouldn’t have to second-guess whether you can buy some good-value, suitable gifts because you need to manage his reaction.

Regardless of whether the control comes from a condition like OCD or from malicious intent, the overall effect is the same - it chips away and diminishes you imperceptibly until one day you don’t recognise yourself any more. Any fiendishly complex finance system that you come up with is only ever going to trim around the edges of this issue. OCD is treatable. Whether he is willing to engage with help is another matter.

I really feel your pain, but I also see why he can't handle it, it's just a speed bump though, small fry, not worth falling out over.

I think because of how independent we were, me and DH have naturally drifted into any spending outside of the basics or joint household, being our own choice so we use our own money, we then settle up if it is something that benefits us both (like a new toilet seat), but depending what it is, sometimes I don't ask for re-imbursement if I know it is something he wouldn't buy or want but I really want, I just use my own money.. I wouldn't ask him to give me money for something he doesn't even want and I would be peeved if he did the same.

I know after 10 years what he wouldn't mind for the house and what he would turn his nose up at, so that sort of decision comes over time, it's only been a couple of months for you really so you probably need to play it on the safer side, until you get to know what you are both happy with, but as he is really struggling with the finance side of things, and there are obvious issues there, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if everything else is great.

I have not been spending frivolously from there but if I am out and I see something for the house, I have to ask permission to buy it?

No, fuck that, that would drive anyone crazy, but if you are unsure if he would want it, or agree to the money instantly coming out of the account for it, then just buy it out of your own account and if it is something that benefits you both, then ask for him to reimburse your half.. maybe he just needs to think about things before paying as part of his issue.

He doesn't seem to have a problem with the spending in theory (he offered to give you half towards the presents if you both pay it back into the joint account), so you may find him re-imbusing you is not a problem at all, he just seems to find money come out of one of 'his' accounts suddenly, without discussion, the real issue, and there are certainly ways around that.

I can’t be the only one who finds it really strange that people get married but don’t make any contribution to the costs of one spouse’s children. What did marriage mean to him if it wasn’t becoming a family?

She doesn’t need to ‘cut back’!

The OP isn’t you and has plenty of money and likes nice food. Why on earth should she stick to a frankly miserly budget to please someone completely unreasonable?

Stay calm and adamant. He can’t actually make you behave differently and you can’t make him behave differently. He will have to negotiate or compromise at some point, especially if you tune out his annoyance and confidently assert you are right so things must be done your way.

Echo his energy. If he’s adamant and non compromising, so are you. If he’s interested and questioning, looking for solutions, so are you.

However if he gets bad tempered or uses words like ‘hysterical’ again, calmly point out that he’s being very rude and using an outdated, sexist insult.

Just to warn you (I’m older than you I think and have been married to a similar man 35 long years.) this doesn’t improve when the money builds up. There will never be ‘enough’. He won’t reduce his hours. He won’t be ready to spend when he retires.

Unless that is he recognises it and decides to work on it.

There should be a name for this, as a condition. It’s like hoarding, or kleptomania, eating disorders, or other compulsions that are accentuated by stress.

Of course he should not be dictating how you spend your money. But the solution to this is relatively straight-forward. The joint account is only for bills and food. That is it. Everything else you two handle separately.
Large household purchases and joint holidays are agreed upon in advance and one person pays while the other transfers them their half.
Yes, you will probably be the one buying nice things for the house, but you can also hardly expect someone who pays himself to cut his own hair to suddenly feel inspired to grab a pair of sofa cushions while doing his weekly shop.

Whatever you do, do not get a joint savings account. You will have even more trouble accessing your finances.

It is hoarding! You just can’t see it because it’s online and it is more socially acceptable to horde pennies than it is cereal boxes or jars of your own wee. Being a high earner and cutting your own hair to save a tenner or buying poor battery farmed chicken or giving cheap unthoughtful presents to close relatives is absolutely 100% not ok. It’s not money savvy, savings conscious or environmentally friendly it’s mean and cheap and I feel it mocks people who genuinely can’t afford to do anything different to that. He’s tight and controlling with money and he is trying to control how you spend your own money which is just mind boggling. I couldn’t love a mean person and that is nothing to do with how much money a person has it is all in their attitude.

I think some PP are missing the point of the initial thread.

The food budget does come out of the joint account, if @BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug wants to buy extra then she pays for this out of her own account.

The fact his is, her husband is trying to control what @BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug spends on her own money like he is her financial manager. He ignores the fact that she lived very well independently, raised two children and had her own home prior to their marriage.

Of course there is room for compromise. But only if both adults are willing too.

@BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug As he had such a reaction from you spending £40 from your shared account without consulting him, which is just crazy considering the amount just let him carry on and buy his own gifts for his own family (and try and ignore how cheap they are).

To your first point, she doesn't. She said she is topping up joint account if it goes over budget. Which suggests she uses joint account, then puts extra money into it to compensate. I suggest she buys extra from her personal account to begin with and leave the joint account well alone.

Agree with your last point. I wouldn't be buying gifts for his family from the both of you. Just buy a separate gift from yourself if you feel obliged. You don't need to cover up for your husband as, I am sure, his family know how tight he is anyway.

Fully agree with this.

And in fairness, people keep saying he is trying to police 'what she spends', he isn't! He is unhappy with her spending things on the joint account (both their money) for things that he hasn't been asked about and doesn't agree with.

Joint accounts for living expenses, should not include gifts, personal luxuries etc, even if you do both contribute to it, it's supposed to be for shared household expenses and one person should not be unilaterally deciding how to spend it.. that's what the problem is.

I'd say try #2, but you'll probably end up with #3.

Is he going to be content to 'give you' his set portion and will you be willing to shop for his 'special cupboard' foods as well as what you want? I have a feeling if 'his money' is used for a weekly shop that includes things you want but he considers 'extravagant' then you're going to be hearing a lot of complaining that you bought two laundry soaps, two shampoos, two food items, etc using 'his money' when you should be content with his 'bargain brands'.

Financial incompatibility is one of the leading causes of divorce.

I completely understand where you are coming from but still... the purpose of separating finances as much as possible is to avoid aggravation in your marriage. It is not about who is right and who is wrong. It's about being able to co-exist with minimal friction.
He is not going to change so, yes, unfortunately, you are the one who needs to compromise by buying wild salmon (or whatever) from your separate bank account. It's unfair.. but it is just what you may need to do.