AIBU to refuse son a sleepover at a girl's house?

There was a post a few months ago where an OP had a girl who was friends with her daughter shagging a lad they had snuck into her house while she was in the garden! I think the other kids sectioned off part of the room they were in or found a spare room but the deed was done and the OP had a stranger in the home while she had younger kids and was left having to be told by players to tell the girls parents. If parents are allowing sleepovers or even late get togethers, they need to remain within hearing distance and potential walking into the room at any momentnous.

What, in your mind, is "that sort of sleepover" and what do you mean by "that situation"?
Has he ever been to any kind of sleepover, or have you always kept him tied to your side?
I think you and your partner are going to have to tread carefully. If your stepson's mother lets him go to such things, it's going to become a competition between you and his mother and, at that age, he's only going to want to spend time with the parent who lets him have a life.

Like I said …. Won’t be long. I have two step sons and that 14 to 16 goes faster than you think.

This isn’t about maturity, it’s about control and the future relationship. Your old fashioned mindset and structure will be what creates the distance between your husband and his son.

When he’s 16 it’s very unlikely a judge will enforce the 50:50 anymore and he will be off doing whatever he wants to do. That’s the part you’re losing sight of. Your relationship with him right now is very important for the future.

When he’s 16 and he isn’t hanging around your home, consulting you on where he’s going or what he’s doing - your old fashioned ideas will be why. He’s already not introducing his friends to your home - you don’t know the girls parents… and you. Cant ask a simple question about the event or even the supervision.

How will your husband feel when his son fully distances himself over your “old fashioned values”. Do you know ?

At that age if they wanted to do anything other than "sleeping" they already would be, if forced selective seperation is your only plan for handling that, I suggest you seriously reconsider that strategy.

Have you contacted the girls parents to find out from them ? He will be 16 at some point and then you will have zero control over anything soon enough.

Im not saying take the brakes off completely, but start thinking about what you want your future relationship with him to be. It will go very quick.

If his mother thinks you are being unreasonable- then you are being unreasonable.

I cannot believe there are parents with this attitude still, my parents had the same problem with parents when I was a teenager and that was 35 years ago. What exactly are 15 year olds going to do at a mixed sleepover? You think that 15/16 are going to be shagging each other in front of their friends? Get a grip! Poor kid he just wants some fun with his mates and adults have to come along with all their weird hang ups and ruin it!

It all boils down to the fact that if they want to have sex, then they will have sex. If not at her house, then in the park, in a doorway or in a car. The 15 year olds I taught told me this. You would be better off making sure he knows about condoms and letting him go to the sleepover. Refusing will only encourage him to lie about where he is going on other occasions.

That could happen between same sexes anyway. So then no sleepovers at all?

Do the girls parents even know it is happening and will they be there? It might be a good idea to have a chat with them beforehand. I’m more shocked that the girls parents are allowing it to be honest. I wasn’t ever allowed to sleep over or have a boy sleep over at that age, friends or otherwise. My parents would always say it doesn’t matter for boys because they can’t get pregnant, but honestly I now have a son and he is only 2, but there are so many other things that boys could end up doing and/or be accused of too!

I slept over boys homes and they slept at mine that age. All purely platonic! Never as much as kissed one of the boys

I wouldn't be comfortable with it even though DD mainly has male friends who I know well. I'd offer a compromise which is a late pick up (11.30pm / midnight) so they can have the sleepover / watch a film etc without the sleep bit. Parents will still be awake and around and presumably have rules around open doors etc. so less chance of sneaking around.
Male friends are here now hanging out and they're messing around watching films and building Lego. Doors are all open, I'm in and out / around and it's much more comfortable.

Have you raised him right? Does he have respect for others? Does he have a record of breaking your rules? Because assuming that he's a decent kid, yabu. If he's the kind that drinking alcohol on street corners until the early hours, then you have bigger issues here. Let him enjoy a party.
Talk to about what being "safe" means. This is when he needs to learn those lessons, in a controlled environment. Otherwise he will go to uni, in a couple of years, without that experience to stand him in good stead.

But you can't be behind them all the time can you

Could he go, say until midnight and then you collect him. My youngest ds had a very mixed group of friends. We did allow them sleepovers and there was never an issue. They just watched movies and did karaoke and had massive fun. We were always in the house. This year ds, now grown was at two of the girls weddings and they all have remained great friends.
My dd would have boys over but they always went home late and didn't stay. Each group had their own dynamic.
Definitely can't see the harm in him staying at his Mums and hanging out all evening. There is nothing as bad as being left out at that age.

No sleepovers that can result in pregnancy, even if the participants claim to have no interest.

This is exactly why I wouldn't let him go 😅

No need they can go home and sleep in their own beds.

My Sis was pregnant at 16, so I lived through the mess that comes with this. So absolutely no way would my DC be going to a mixed sleepover at 14 / 15.

Absolutely not, someone will suggest a silly game, spin the bottle etc, accusations will be made, heaps of trouble. yanbu.

It’s wild that this is even up for discussion! Kids don’t need to experience everything upfront. Why actively put them in an environment where they can act on raging hormones???

If they are platonic friends and you don't know whether the girl's parents actually know/ will be home then insist on speaking to a parent (ideally drop him off if that's not utterly contrived logistically - my 15 year old still needs lifts sometimes due to rural location so it's less weird than in a town or city with good public transport).

I wouldn't let a 15 year old stay overnight with a girlfriend/ boyfriend, but I would with a platonic opposite sex friend. My DS has a mainly male friendship group but the only two girls are a couple! I'd let the girl he's really close friends with stay here, but not in the same room just to cover everyone's back. I wouldn't let his girlfriend stay at 15 (unless in some kind of genuine emergency) because of potential sneaking about... As it happens his female friend isn't even allowed to go to boys' houses for cultural reasons, so it's hypocritical admittedly.

I wouldn't say it's an automatic no if they are long term friends, aren't a couple, nor interested in being, and you've spoken to her parents and know they will be home.

This!

We're obvs out of the ordinary (or maybe not so much as the sleepovers are reciprocated 🤷)
We quite often have mixed sleepovers here of 7-8 kids. More the merrier 😅 all bundled up in the front room.
One boy + one girl I'd probs not be so accommodating!

I can't see an issue with a group sleepover.