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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What is her problem?!

152 replies

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:15

I (F) have a male colleague who I’ve worked with for over 10 years, we’re close friends at this point. His wife HATES me, she’s so insecure she feels the need to talk about me to other colleagues about me being nosey and in everyone’s business. I’ve actually only met her a handful of times in person and she’s always so fake to my face. It’s at the point where we no longer work together and she still brings me up in conversations with others. I find it so strange that someone can be that insecure about their marriage that any woman close to him becomes a threat. Just leave him if it’s that bad?! Interestingly she’s looking at the wrong woman, he’s been having an affair with another colleague for quite a while now. She even stopped me getting a promotion at one point by slating me to our employer and tarnishing my reputation. I feel no empathy for her when it comes to her being cheated on, women need to stop blaming other women for their husbands behaviours.

AIBU to be encouraging his affairs at this point? I almost feel like it’s revenge for how she’s behaved towards me, as childish as that is.

I’ll add I’ve only ever been nice to her like I am with all my colleagues partners. I ask questions about their lives and their kids etc because I’m interested in getting to know people at a deeper level. Sue me if I hate small talk about the bloody weather!!

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 18/09/2026 20:37

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:55

@havingdoubtsnowInteresting…Because I’m not disclosing his affair to her or because I’m frustrated with women banning friendships between colleagues because of their insecurities?

Because a partner's first loyalty is to their other half and most of their energy should go into nurturing their relationship. Life is hard and nobody wants a partner who spreads themself so thinly that they arent carrying their share of the emotional load. If you dont understand that then it might be that you dont want the same from your relationahip as most people do. Which is fine. But then please dont presume to speak for the rest of us and for our wants and needs.

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 20:38

You all seem far more concerned about defending a woman who is deliberately tearing down another innocent woman because she thinks it might save her failing marriage. Yet somehow I’m the one who lacks empathy? Being cheated on doesn’t give her a free pass to be cruel. Why do you automatically assume she’s the innocent victim who can do no wrong? None of you know what their marriage is actually like or why he’s looking elsewhere. Maybe her behaviour is part of why he wants to escape it. That doesn’t make cheating right, but neither does being cheated on make everything she does acceptable.

OP posts:
Ipsevenenabibas · 18/09/2026 20:39

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 20:19

I feel like you’re all missing the point here. If you had a friend and their wife was slating you to people you know would you be inclined to be kind to them?

Honestly, this is pretty pathetic. You don’t have to like her, be friends with her, or even be particularly kind towards her — but you can at least be civil.

AIBU to be encouraging his affairs at this point?

This is incredibly petty and says far more about you than it does about her. You’re allowed to dislike someone without involving yourself in their marriage or turning someone else’s relationship into your personal revenge project. Have some self-respect and just keep your distance.

Hummingbird233 · 18/09/2026 20:41

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Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 20:42

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Ipsevenenabibas · 18/09/2026 20:43

None of you know what their marriage is actually like or why he’s looking elsewhere.

You're right we don't know their marriage but guess what?! Neither do you! You're sucking up your mates version of his marriage as though it's the Gospel truth.

Also the last part of that sentence is very revealing. And you wonder why you aren't garnering sympathy here...

Newyearawaits · 18/09/2026 20:44

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 18:41

Why is it always a topic on Mumsnet that women apparently can’t be friends with married men? You can isolate yourselves as much as you want, but if a man is married and his wife can’t trust him, that’s an issue within their relationship. I’m not going to stop being friends with someone because of their marital status.

We worked closely together and built up a friendship over many years. Why would I suddenly change how I behave or stop being myself because someone else might feel insecure about that friendship? The idea that a man getting married should automatically mean his female friendships have to change or disappear is absolutely bonkers to me.

Well, his wife shouldn't trust him, he is deceiving her.
You sound quite immature and spiteful, like you are looking for revenge.
Irrespective of who he is cheating with, he is horribly deceiving his wife.
I hope she finds out so she can make a choice, as painful as it will be.

montysmaw · 18/09/2026 20:46

You sound vile. He sounds vile
You should get together.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/09/2026 20:46

”AIBU to be encouraging his affairs at this point? I almost feel like it’s revenge for how she’s behaved towards me, as childish as that is.“

Yes, you are being very unreasonable to ‘encourage his affairs’, @Bupsy17 - that is a vile thing to do.

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 18/09/2026 20:46

ExtraOnions · 18/09/2026 18:39

Why does someone’s spouse have such an influence at your workplace? Does she work there?

I was wondering that. Why is she even talking to the person who might promote you?

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 20:50

At this point I’ve been so thoroughly rage baited by these comments that I’m about three more away from messaging her directly and detonating the entire situation myself.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 18/09/2026 20:50

Can you not see why she might be “insecure”? Sounds justified but just misplaced. The fact you feel no empathy may be the vibe she’s picked up on and she’s chosen to speak up. I cannot see how she’d impact your career but sounds like a convenient excuse for it to not be anything to do with you, your ability or your character.

TheSunIsAlwaysThere · 18/09/2026 20:51

No one is missing any point.

TheSunIsAlwaysThere · 18/09/2026 20:52

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 20:50

At this point I’ve been so thoroughly rage baited by these comments that I’m about three more away from messaging her directly and detonating the entire situation myself.

Really? Don't be so bloody cruel.

pearlsclutchedhard · 18/09/2026 20:56

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Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 20:58

TheSunIsAlwaysThere · 18/09/2026 20:52

Really? Don't be so bloody cruel.

You all need to be clearer on what you want in these threads. It’s either “poor woman she deserves to know” or it’s “not your circus, not your monkeys”. So now I’ve suggested I tell her that’s wrong too?!

OP posts:
Ipsevenenabibas · 18/09/2026 21:01

Go ahead and tell her but first examine your conscience. Are you telling her to punish her? Seeking revenge? Or are you telling her because you believe that's the morally correct thing?

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 21:03

Ipsevenenabibas · 18/09/2026 21:01

Go ahead and tell her but first examine your conscience. Are you telling her to punish her? Seeking revenge? Or are you telling her because you believe that's the morally correct thing?

Why would my reason matter?

OP posts:
PollyBell · 18/09/2026 21:07

Sounds like you're protesting too much

TheSunIsAlwaysThere · 18/09/2026 21:08

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 20:58

You all need to be clearer on what you want in these threads. It’s either “poor woman she deserves to know” or it’s “not your circus, not your monkeys”. So now I’ve suggested I tell her that’s wrong too?!

Your reasons for telling her are spiteful and vindictive and you're planning on doing it as this thread hasn't gone as you wanted or expected, so you are having a tantrum. Grow up.

Ipsevenenabibas · 18/09/2026 21:14

Because I don't think vindictiveness is a good reason to do something. Even if she has done things you dislike, deliberately trying to hurt or punish someone isn't something I think we should cultivate in ourselves.

Butchyrestingface · 18/09/2026 21:17

Bupsy17 · 18/09/2026 20:50

At this point I’ve been so thoroughly rage baited by these comments that I’m about three more away from messaging her directly and detonating the entire situation myself.

You do sound a touch unhinged here but by all means text her. With receipts, mind. She probs won’t believe you otherwise.

isitfridayyetttt · 18/09/2026 21:19

No wonder she hates you. You’re a horrible human being.

Goditsmemargaret · 18/09/2026 21:20

Your close friend sounds like a piece of work. Why did he betray his wife by suggesting she messed up your chances for a promotion? Why is he still friends with you despite letting you know she's uncomfortable with it? Why is he having an affair instead of leaving his marriage.

And you're the twat that considers him good friendship material.

Best of luck with that.

Ipsevenenabibas · 18/09/2026 21:22

Goditsmemargaret · 18/09/2026 21:20

Your close friend sounds like a piece of work. Why did he betray his wife by suggesting she messed up your chances for a promotion? Why is he still friends with you despite letting you know she's uncomfortable with it? Why is he having an affair instead of leaving his marriage.

And you're the twat that considers him good friendship material.

Best of luck with that.

Not sure the friendship will stand the test of time after the OP texts his wife...