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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think my mum is using guilt through my uncle?

8 replies

fireandice26 · 18/09/2026 15:11

UPDATE:

I posted the below in January. It's now September.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5474771-adult-daughter-stuck-as-the-capable-one-mums-learned-helplessness

I've since (since that original post) kept my distance from my parents - and gone very low contact. I've been in heavy therapy - and life has felt lighter in recent months.

My Uncle (Dad's brother) went to visit my Mum on Wednesday - to give her a lot excess fruit and veg from his allotment. She apparently immediately started crying to him and said she hasn't seen me in so long.

Two things can be true at the same time. She can be genuinely sad/lonely (especially since my father is away for two weeks) - but it can also be a manipulative tactic given since she knows I talk to my Uncle a lot. I believe it's the latter over the former.

AIBU to think this is just a ploy? I didn't react or say anything when my Uncle contacted me to tell me about her tears etc...

Adult daughter stuck as the 'capable one' – Mum's learned helplessness. | Mumsnet

I’m a woman in my late 30s. My parents are both around and still married. I have an older sister (married, with two children) and a younger brother wh...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5474771-adult-daughter-stuck-as-the-capable-one-mums-learned-helplessness

OP posts:
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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/09/2026 18:09

ChequerToRed · 18/09/2026 16:46

Sounds like you need to speak to your therapist about strategies for setting some firm boundaries. You obviously want to keep your relationship with your uncle, but you can’t let your mum use him as a conduit for emotional manipulation.

I think this is a good answer.

I think you also need to talk to your uncle about not passing on messages or information that will make you feel bad.

ChequerToRed · 18/09/2026 16:46

Sounds like you need to speak to your therapist about strategies for setting some firm boundaries. You obviously want to keep your relationship with your uncle, but you can’t let your mum use him as a conduit for emotional manipulation.

Original poster
fireandice26 · 18/09/2026 16:41

InvisibleOldHag · 18/09/2026 15:32

Hi OP. You are quite right that your mum is probably missing you but she is also missing your help, and that she is using your uncle to get you to re-establish contact so she gets that help back.

It isn’t uncommon when people go NC that the other person uses family members who are still in contact to emotionally blackmail to resume contact. You did say in your last thread that your mum was sneaky and manipulative.

Being LC has really helped you, from what you say. Remember that, and just set aside what your uncle has said. None of it is a surprise so there is no reason for it to affect your decision.

So true. Thank you for your comment and time spent writing out your thoughts. Much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
fireandice26 · 18/09/2026 16:33

ExplodingSmittens · 18/09/2026 15:44

I think she’s probably being manipulative too. Do you know about Flying Monkeys?

Yep!

OP posts:
AbzMoz · 18/09/2026 15:59

Protect your peace.

ExplodingSmittens · 18/09/2026 15:44

I think she’s probably being manipulative too. Do you know about Flying Monkeys?

InvisibleOldHag · 18/09/2026 15:32

Hi OP. You are quite right that your mum is probably missing you but she is also missing your help, and that she is using your uncle to get you to re-establish contact so she gets that help back.

It isn’t uncommon when people go NC that the other person uses family members who are still in contact to emotionally blackmail to resume contact. You did say in your last thread that your mum was sneaky and manipulative.

Being LC has really helped you, from what you say. Remember that, and just set aside what your uncle has said. None of it is a surprise so there is no reason for it to affect your decision.

Rattlecake · 18/09/2026 15:12

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