AIBU to let my adult nephew move in after rent rise from my sister?

I am pleased you have let your nephew move in.
The bottom line is I think your sister is being greedy whatever her reasons.

So you feel you are doing your son a massive favour and are a bit peeved to find everyone else thinks this is just what any decent parent would do. Nobody but you thinks it okay to charge more than extra costs and make money out of their child.

Tell her she's only pissed as your stopping the gravy train. If she wasnt using her son as a cash point he wouldn't want to move out before his saved. If she stopped reduced to a reasonable sum he would be staying at home and saving but she's trying to make it impossible for him to save so his stuck there paying her permanently

Yes we are doing him a favour and very happy that we are able to, at the same time he wouldn’t be some victim, ‘under privileged’ ‘disadvantaged’ or whatever you would want to call it is he didn’t have this. We will just have to agree to disagree on the matter, it’s not how I was bought up to expect your parents to sub you through adulthood but at the same time my parents would absolutely be there if I really needed them. They would be horrified if I expected them to pay for my meal in a restaurant but at the same time they argue with me to let them pay the bill, it’s how we roll and we’re the same with our children

Who on earth would pay £1600 to live in OP's sister's spare room?

Plus, having your own son living with you after finishing University is very different from having a complete stranger in your spare room.

I'm baffled as to why you are so determined to paint OP's sister in a good light while painting her nephew as a free-loading user when everything that OP has told us about her sister and her nephew makes it clear that the opposite is true.

Your sister sounds like a nightmare… especially telling him he needs to take all his stuff or it gets binned?! Does she even want a relationship with her son?

I’m glad the agreement works for you guys and for him. I can’t see any issue with it… it’s great he has supportive family in you.

I truly wouldn’t have much of a relationship with my sister if this was the way she behaved… I think she’s acting crazy.
I can’t work out why she wanted to raise the rent when they have money… Did she want him to be “more independent” and move out suddenly? Are they struggling financially but nobody knows? Is he a nightmare to live with but she’s saying the opposite?

I also don’t understand this whole a grown adult shouldn’t be at home any more? ThatI keep seeing in the comments. I will never get behind that.

Totally agree with you but I think we should all stop replying to that poster. They seem to be derailing the thread with this (rather weird) stance they’ve taken.

The Op did a really nice thing and the right thing at that. Her nephew must’ve got a nasty shock with his mum turning so sour like that. That should be the focus here!

You should not get involved in this situation.

JFC stop making stuff up! OP has said that her sister is a wealthy woman through the death of her husband due to inheritance, an insurance policy and a payment from his workplace. She wouldn't even need a monthly payment from her son but she charged £500 which I'm sure fully covered his costs. Asking for £800 is a greedy piss take.

Anyway, she's ruined her relationship with her son now and hopefully she will live to regret it.

OP sounds like the polar opposite of her sister, kind and empathetic.

Why do you keep on talking about subbing children when people have already agreed that it is fine to charge for actual extra costs. You are not subbing your child just because you are not making a profit out of them. People are saying that profiting from your child is wrong. I get that you disagree but you are in the minority and constantly repeating it is okay isn't going to change their mind. Your attitude is quite victorian.

Making what up?? Yes the mum sounds a bit deranged from her reaction to him moving but we really don’t know the back story, did her son and the sister go to her and accuse her of exploiting him? If so then I’m not surprised at her reaction but otherwise it seems very strange and yes sad if she’s been like that if he’s simply said he’s moving to his aunt’s house. Anyway will let you guys get on with creating the echo chamber you’re wanting and polishing your mummy/aunty martyr halos while I get on with serving out the Sunday dinner I’ve just finished cooking for my very much loved DH and adult DC and very much appreciated by them as always too 🥰

Even if the parent was on a low wage and needed the money, £500 and pulling his weight at home was still a decent contribution - unless she was genuinely waiting to downsize or rent her house out to someone else, but presumably the OP or nephew would know if that's what the sister/aunt was wanting to do. It wouldn't be costing her £500 to keep him and its money she wouldn't have otherwise.

Making up that OP's sister was a selfless mother to her son and painting her as some sort of martyr.

You said that 'she spent 18 years raising him, probably helped him through uni, given him subsidised rent since he left'

You have no idea whether she helped him through university and given her current behaviour it's doubtful that she did and his rent certainly wasn't subsidised.

You are an incredible mother and aunt, your children and nephew are lucky to have you!!

That's why it's so weird. I'd love to hear the why from your sister.

I do understand having parents who are unhelpful though. Made me all the more supportive of mine.

Why is it weird? It’s a sad fact of life that some parents value money more than they value their children.

Sad if that's really the case. Most of us want to help our children launch well before letting them support themselves while not at home.

Would still love to hear the why from the sister. I've learned that sometimes situations that look obvious one way are really not when you hear from the other side.

Well done @YearsOfLife for supporting your DN.
My father was much the same as your sister and I left home at 18.
My father stated that I should pay keep of 50% of my wages when I started FT work at 17 plus do most housework and buy my own food. I was nearly always broke but that was my fault apparently because I couldn't 'budget' despite the fact that I was also paying extras for my younger brother who was still at school that dad deemed as unnecessary things (clothes, books etc). When I was at college FT doing A-levels I worked PT while looking after my brother + doing all the household stuff and my father wouldn't give me an allowance for clothing or college books etc while he begrudged feeding me. His parents helped me as much as they could and often gave me a lifeline because my dad refused to discuss anything with his own parents. I failed all my A-levels.

My father said he needed me to pay towards his bills and that it was my duty to help out because he'd been left broke by my mother leaving him.
One day I was doing the ironing when I moved some papers, bills and bank statements from the kitchen table to make room for the ironed clothes. Glancing down at a bank statement I noticed the entry for father's wages - it was 5 times my wages. Curious (yeah I know I shouldn't have looked but....) I looked at the outgoings because I thought if dad was earning that much and couldn't manage then perhaps I should pay more. I added up all the bills....it came to less than I was paying him. So basically I was paying my father's mortgage, utilities, food and petrol every month while he watched me struggle. Some months I didn't have enough for sanitary wear or food (no surprise I was dreadfully underweight and fainted a lot through lack of food) and he was saving all of his wages into savings accounts amounting to ££££££'s.
I never told him that I'd read his statements but asked for a big reduction in keep. He went mad at me telling me that if I felt hard done by then to find somewhere else because I was getting a good deal at home. I found a bedsit and was a bit better off although still poor and he never really forgave me for taking my money away from the household finances.

So I applaud you @YearsOfLife . You are doing a fabulous thing and the right thing. Your sister sounds rather like my own father.

Yep - I'd love to hear from the other side on this one - I bet there's loads of history.

It's possible that there's a stressor causing this, but if so she needs to be transparent about it rather than take a bludgeon to her relationship with her son. And her sister.

Have only read OP’s post but can’t believe there are people criticising them.

For what it’s worth I think it is a lovely thing you are doing for your nephew and if your sister is behaving like that then frankly why would you want to maintain a great relationship with her?

Completely agree with you that your sister is being unreasonable and so glad your nephew has lovely family looking out for him. I wish you all the best.

I don’t agree with what you did - I don’t agree with what you say she did either. I think you made a bad situation worse. Oil on the fire. Try not to be so smug with her on parenting- you’ve no idea what’s going on - remember that.

Omg the irony. And you've no idea either!