To want to throw a match at my life and walk away while it burns

Crikey that's comprehensive and useful reference material!

I think I’d look at how much you earn, how much you have/ can san save, whether you can find a job either less hours/ more flexibility

I don’t have Insta @UpsideD0wnbut how are things?

@UpsideD0wn my suggestion would be to treat your current living situation as you would if you lived apart. Well as much as you can anyway.

1. EOW childcare. Only one of you in the house at the weekend with the kids. That person at home also needs to keep house clean and wash uniform. Find somewhere you could have downtime on your weekends off - local hotel, trip to your parents whatever works for you.

2. Midweek - 2/3 nights alternate weeks. Each are responsible for feeding the kids, helping with homework and getting them to bed. On your nights off, go to the gym, out for a walk, catch a movie, or even just go to bed and read, whatever, but have your nights off.

If this doesn’t suit your Ex, then tell him to leave as this will be the set-up anyway if he lived elsewhere.

Your job sounds shitty. See what else is out there and start applying while still in your current role. You just never know where this could lead. Happier working days perhaps?

I hear you on the work issue. A new woman started in our team about 3 months ago. Really liked her at first and sang her praises. Then we were put on a project together. We're the same level, but omg, she literally treats me as her assistant. Too long to go into, but she's made my life miserable. It's an event, and I can't wait until it's over. I get a stomach ache thinking about it.

She was messaging me at 6pm on Friday, so passive agressive. "oh I'm handling THIS AND THIS (literally her tasks) all alone but don't worry! Have a great weekend!" It's been two months of this. I've reported it to my line manager, but the bully's line manager loves her and is powerful, so it's going to be a problem.

Isn't it funny how one person can throw such a grenade into your life?

I totally get you on other things you describe, and while my own son was a child a long time ago now, all my peers and my sister have young kids now and were tearing their hair out. And then it suddenly gets easier as they get older.

No advice on lessening the housework! I'm still looking for answers for that, myself! 😂

🩷

@UpsideD0wn hope you have managed to get some rest this weekend and are feeling ok x

@UpsideD0wn just wanted to ask, can you tell
the kids school that you as a family are having a difficult time right now and ask how they can help. Eg less homework for kids, extra support for them.

So sorry OP, that’s really difficult. DH has autistic meltdown, mental breakdowns, it’s really challenging to live with someone who is continually dysregulated. I know just what you mean about this creeping sense of feeling more and more responsible for everyone’s feelings, and just service human for others. I’ve really been working on boundaries, completely dropped the anticipation that I used to do to try to smooth things over for everyone. I’ve kicked them all out of my head. I think they are nicer to me now. People’s ability to take is huge, they are not mindful or grateful. I think you need to prioritise your own self care: gentle walks in any nature near you, interesting podcasts or audiobooks, calming guided meditations (Insight app, or Plum Village app are free). Cooking food you like. Maybe you can post on the Work board here? It’s very good for advice from HR people etc. Thinking of you 💐

Hello @UpsideD0wn hope you get some time over weekend to yourself and do something just for you.

If your company puts you on a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP), do not try to win it by working harder.

PIP metrics are usually rigged to fire you for cause and deny you severance.

The best play is creating massive legal and financial risk so HR is forced to pay you to go away.

• Trigger a Retaliation Freeze: File a formal internal complaint to HR immediately. Explicitly tie your manager’s sudden negative attitude to a protected event, such as your recent complaints about the toxic environment. HR must freeze the PIP to investigate, because firing you during an active retaliation complaint is a legal nightmare for them.
• Submit a Scorched-Earth Rebuttal: Never sign a PIP acknowledging poor performance. If forced, write "Signed only to acknowledge receipt; formal rebuttal to follow." Then, submit a meticulous, data-heavy document proving the targets are mathematically impossible, exposing shifting goalposts, and contrasting their claims with past positive reviews. Demand this be added to your permanent file. Think it’s hard? Get AI to ask you what it needs to draft this, point by point.
• Secure Evidence: Download every performance review, praise email, and hostile exchange to a personal device before they wipe your laptop. Do not touch proprietary company data, but aggressively back up your personal employment history and paper trail.
• Weaponize Medical Leave: If the hostile environment is causing severe anxiety or burnout, see a doctor immediately. Taking medical leave or short-term disability legally halts the PIP clock. You get paid to sit at home and job hunt while legal prevents management from touching you. Sounds like you could easily qualify to this given your desperation and crying. You seem depressed.
• Force a Negotiated Exit: Once the PIP is paralyzed by an HR investigation or medical leave, approach HR (ideally through a solicitor who specialises in employment). State that to avoid a prolonged legal dispute regarding a bad-faith PIP, you are willing to waive your right to sue in exchange for a mutual separation package. Demand several months of severance and a clean reference, or whatever the solicitor advises.

While we are at it, I’d advise the same on your ex. He absolutely should not be in that house IMHO.

Do you have the time or money to join a club or hobby group? And of course, many are free.

Another virtual hug from here.
You are doing amazing. You are juggling so much it's no wonder it all gets overwhelming.
Work- don't let the bastards grind you down. Do your job, be professional and don't let them get to you. You're experienced, you can do the job. And then when you leave at the end of the day, park it. Don't think about it!
See your GP and get a health check. Something could be off blood wise( ?low iron), or ?menopausal. Also your mental health with stress and anxiety. There is medication that helps.
Home life- Your kids love you even if they are at the lazy, selfish, incommunicative stage where every request however simple is met by an argument or totally ignored. I've been there, on fact I doubt there's a parent who hasn't. Ignore the blame from your husband- it's his illness talking. Yes it's hurtful but park it. Without you, this home would not function. You are central, you are important, you are strong. You matter!
And try and take a few minutes each day just for you even if it's just singing along to a favourite song in the shower or sitting down with a nice cake and coffee and reading Mumsnet. Treat yourself . Look after yourself.

That’s a lot to deal with.
All you can do is push through until the dust settle in work.
If you have to give you ex a weekly print out of expectations for the week ahead then I would do that.
If he misses up the children’s schedule it is on him or he can take on the cleaning.,

Oh hun a huge squeezy hug for you. Its no consolation but so many of us have been or are where you are now. We get it. We hear you. This is not a path that hasn't been walked before by so many of us.
People can say what they want and blame you for this, that and the other but thats their opinion and not fact. In each moment try to come back to reality that you are responsible for you. You have always and are doing your best.
Re work...I think you need independent support and advice and no I wouldnt be going into a meeting on my own when under thus much pressure and potential they are circling wagons around you.

OP, big un- Mumsnetty hug.
Can you please call any one of your friends who have stuck by you? They may have their burdens but they can go out with you for a coffee for an hour. I would!

I am convinced that female friendship is what gets us through these tough mid-life years. And please don't let the men get away with this behaviour. Tell your ex to fuck off. Tell your sons they have to be nicer to you.

Sorry that things are so tough.

You need to make a few lists. Get some paper.

List 1: Here and Now. Make a list of LITTLE things you can do to be kind to yourself. e.g. go for a walk while listening to music, sit in your car in peace and drink a cup of tea and read a book, go to some sort of class (art, sport, knitting etc...). Watch a film with your kids. Paint your toe nails. Have a long soak in the bath.

List 2: Stuff that needs doing. So laundry. cleaning bathroom, cooking a meal, fixing something that is broken etc...

List 3: Long term goals. Get rid of the ex. Find time for a new hobby, apply for new job etc...

Tick them off as you do them.

Physically write all the above onto three lists, and tick things off as you do them, particularly on lists 1 and 2. It may seem odd, but it is a very satisfying thing to do when life seems really tough. It's good to have achievable goals, particularly ones that will help you.