To want to throw a match at my life and walk away while it burns

It does all sound crap and you seem exhausted. And you just don’t have the energy to make changes. I don’t know how to help you, but just know that you are heard. My only suggestion is to drop the ball on some fronts and cut corners. Let kids go to their DF for stuff and if he does not step up - tough, let them moan. More down / me time instead of holding it together, let it all burn without walking away….

How old is your youngest? X

This is why I take brownies in the evening 😎

keeps me sane. not to everyone’s taste though.

That’s a lot going on op & I don’t think it’s unusual or unreasonable in any way to be feeling overwhelmed & hacked off.

I’ve occasionally “thrown all my toys out of the pram” and told kids/ x exactly how I’m feeling.

I’ve also done “work to rule “ at home where I let it all go for a while - everyone will cope.

what can you do tonight to help yourself just a little - not a cure, just a small moment for you. Anything I offer will no doubt sound trite - but could you take a hot bath with a nice drink, then give yourself an all over moisturiser & an early night with a fav book? Or something? Sometimes that all we’ve got.

Get rid of your useless ex/husband! He’s causing a lot more stress in your life

I can sympathise
im in the same boat as you at 54 years old
had a disciplinary meeting last week at work about an incident that really wasn’t down to me but I’m somehow getting a written warning for it. Spent today typing out a whole arse email appealing it.
Menopause and no HRT
11 year old started secondary school last week and seems to be spending £6 per day on hot dinners
house is a mess, dog is elderly and dying and last week someone drove into the side of my car!

I’m in the burn it all down club too. I don’t have a solution. Just trying to find the good bits in each day. And thinking about HRT.

I think not living with your ex would really help here.

It’s not just you

Today I realised how crap my life is. I felt like going one step further, but instead self-cared the crap out of me until I started coping. No advice, just solidarity and a big, fat hug.

Don’t rule out therapy altogether. You may find someone who offers low cost counselling or go via a cheaper counselling centre.

But more immediately I’d be interested to know more about your support network if you have one? Do you have any friends or family who would help out, even for a day? Could you go and stay with a friend or family member for the weekend? Because what you’re describing sounds like burnout. And that’s far more likely when you’ve got multiple issues going on in different areas of your life plus an unsupportive ex partner.

When you have burnout ideally you need a complete break from the routine even for a short period of time. If that’s not possible is there any way you can create a space for you at home where you won’t be disturbed. Are there any activities that help you wind down? Like a bath, reading a book, listening to music, dancing like no one is watching. Once you get this initial burn out sorted you can start to tackle each issue that is causing you stress one by one. But you can’t do that without a reset because you won’t be able to sort out problems without a clear head and some energy.

Ask AI to act as a therapist. Probably not as good as the real thing but it can be useful. I hope things get better soon. I think you need to separate properly from your ex. Then he could have the kids some of the time and you wouldn't be running yourself ragged.

Tackle one thing at once/ get rid of the ex.

Your ex needs to move out, op - can that happen?

You're doing so well and have 9 years left, til they're all 18

Can the oldest ones babysit so you can go to bed early?

You need a weekend of sleep girl X

What would happen if you took off for the weekend and just left the kids with their father? Is that an option? As long as he'd keep them alive, even if care wasn't optimal, I would do that as a start just to give yourself a breather.

I sympathise and agree with you that you may be happier if you left some of this behind.
Realistically, what are your options.

Sell house, buy a flat? Have the kids 50 / 50 with ex and only take on half the responsibility of getting to extra curricular activities.
Potentially take some time off from work, or consider other possible job options?

I don’t think you have to stay exactly where you are.
Life moves on and changes. Not all of the child raising is your responsibility, he will only step up when he has to.

Same, just replied on another thread. I have gone to the pub. I will only be called when they realise there is no dinner and the dog is climbing the walls. I had to go to a meeting today and there was another parent that broke down (SEN school) and I said something to her and the other parents. Afterwards they came up to me and thanked me for the kind words and said thry thought I was doing a good job. I don't need a pat on the back all the time. I just felt really validated.

That is a lot OP. Any one part of that would be tough, let alone all of it together. I'm really sorry.

As a therapist myself, I will assure you that no amount of therapy can make up for a shitty situation. Sometimes the right therapy can help us to get ready to make changes to our situation though (if you can't afford it, perhaps NHS Talking Therapies could help - I got some really useful sessions on low self-esteem and trauma that made a big difference to my life a few years ago). No idea if that is an option for you.

If it were as easy as ditching your husband or changing jobs or whatever, you'd probably have done it already. My advice is to:

• write a list of everything you wish could be different in your life. An honest one.
• Then pick out the bits you have some potential power or control over (as of course we can't change what other people do or magic money out of nowhere), and note down any ideas for anything you could possibility do to get closer to the life you want.
• Finally, identify the barriers in the way of you taking the actions you could take. Explore whether there's a way round them. Some of the barriers might be down to limited resources or time or energy or support. Some might be psychological - eg feeling too guilty to challenge someone or feeling like you owe them something, or having standards for yourself or your home that are just too high. Sometimes there is a way forward - a way to flex just a little).

But this sort of exercise is impossible to do if you're in the thick of painful emotions and don't have time and energy for anything. I hope you can carve out some time for yourself somehow because it sounds like you need it. For me it would be a long walk alone or some beers in front of a tv drama that reflects my internal rage. Each to their own. You are carrying a lot here.

In my area you can self refer to Talking Therapies. I think it would help you at least to have six weeks of person-centred therapy. Perhaps you can stage together the time and energy for it, but I know that's not necessarily easy.

You are not alone. Keep talking if it helps you. There’s here and the Balance app (Louise Newson’s meno app), where you’ll find people to vent to when you need it.

You said you are on HRT, it might need adjusting. These feelings went away for me when I got my dose right. Speak to your GP and take care

That sounds tough OP. I would personally look to change the work situation most urgently. Could you perhaps get signed off for a while and go on sick leave whilst you look for a new role?

You need to stop living with your ex. Somehow.

What are the options? Could you be in separate houses by Christmas?

@UpsideD0wn I think the lazy deadbeat man is what really weighs you down the most. Can you get rid of him? There is nothing more infuriating than working hard, feeling exhausted and seeing your children's father doing fuck all to help with house or kids. He needs to go.

The kids will settle in- they just need time.

Do you have anyone you can talk to at work. HR?

Your life sounds exhausting- the good news is that it can only get better.💐

Your life is what it is and only you can change it.

my advice is ask yourself what can you change?

job?

leave ex chuck him out?

plan, financial assessment?

asserting me time going out?

get out of the house somehow for a night or two and come up with a plan.

bit random but I am progesterone intolerant- it really only came to light when I was on HRT.

The oestrogen bit was brilliant- the progesterone took me to some very dark places mentally to the extent it took everything I had not to get into my car & drive away. I tried taking it every which way then stopped. I am one million percent better off it. Back to just normal single parent full time working menopausal woman living with very moody teenage girl level of stress.

just mentioning it in case it resonates with you. Progesterone intolerance affects many women. I really had to push my gp and hrt specialist to take me seriously.