To want to throw a match at my life and walk away while it burns

If you need a good laugh look up the We Do Not Care Club.

There is a free mindfulness group near me, it's mostly attended by women in exactly your position! Solidarity is strength.

What is stopping other people in the home from cooking & cleaning & helping out ?

Ask your childrem to help more

What does ex do ?

Gosh, poor you. That's a lot!

Oh my goodness. I have had some similar kinds of things over the last 2 years with responsibilty and husband and work. I really feel for you.

at work, you must document things. Use Valla to keep a timeline. I am halfway through an employment tribunal (I’ve had preliminary hearing). It looks like you’re about to be “managed out”. I can only say, it’s been a challenge but the judge at my preliminary hearing has been very encouraging that I am doing the right thing.

take some time off sick if you need to re-group. Have you been there more than 2 years?

I think I may be autistic and I totally failed to read the way people were manipulating the narrative about me at work until it was too late.

you sound overwhelmed. Your husband sounds like he is the product of undiagnosed ADHD and trauma from a dysfunctional upbringing. Perhaps your kids have inherited some nuerodiversity.

look after yourself. Fight for what is right. I wish you all the best.

I think no longer living with your ex would be a big important step. That will really be dragging you down.

I am your age and I get it. Live can feel like a humongous bag of crap. We have so many responsibilities- work, teenager children (or a bit younger in your case), houses to pay for and keep up, everything mundane and thankless but also really stressful and difficult!

It can be quite normal to want an “out” even when everything is actually ok.

The job sounds quite shitty too in your case so maybe look into changing that too if you get a chance - is there anything you could be applying for elsewhere?

It sounds like work is overwhelming right now. And then worry for your kids never goes away (mine are older than yours and I still feel it.

Good that you managed 30 mins for yourself today. Try and carve out time every day for yourself, somewhere. You can’t look after everything else when you are running on empty.

Im so sorry OP- things sound really hard.

Can you get your husband back out of the house? You did it once can you do it again.

Can you try and find a new job? I know it’s not always the answer but it sounds pretty toxic

Yes this is what I was going to suggest. Even if a full weekend isn't possible just take 24 hours or even a day. I've done this a few times, dh isn't useless but also I'm the one running the household. I go away for 24 hours or so, I try to leave a full fridge but don't consider their dinners. They have always gotten along fine. I also go on strike occasionally when the kids don't do chores. It's an endless battle and they still do too little but when you refuse to do someone's laundry or cook or buy groceries for a few days, they suddenly develop the ability to do things. Be tough and put yourself first for a day, you can't change everything but a couple of hours rest will help you feel better

Is the divorce in process? I think having a life without him in it would help.

Virtual hugs all that sounds awful so if nothing else acknowledge that for yourself. Can you try and think about how you felt and reacted to things before hrt and now. I did after life got very complicated and realised that hrt was making my thinking worse, I was overwhelmed, making decisions that didnt help me and could only see problems as huge and was constant "deer in head lights" mode. I came off hrt and no life still isnt perfect but I can own it.
You are not alone with work issues. In the new dawn where women our age are still working we are seen by some as taking up a valuable role one of the younguns could take. Theres a playbook playing out in your office and mine that wants us gone.
I wish you a good day. Also dont discount short term sick leave. It can't count against you.

Get rid of that fucking man. Call the police to escort him out because you're worried he will hurt you.

His shit energy will then be removed, and that will help the kids too. I would start there.

And throw money at it if you have any. A few hours of a cleaner. Binning lots of stuff so you dont have to move it about when cleaning. Chore list made in a meeting with the kids (no chores, no phones).

Ripping the plaster off hurts. But keeping it on will rot you away. Take strength from us here, you CAN DO IT 💪

Also, be cautious about stopping hrt. It has long term proven health benefits, important stuff like reducing dementia and improving bone health.

So sorry OP. I too had a terrible time at this age only I did burn it all down.
Divorced husband, sold my house, got a different job and moved acrosd the country to Somerset. I didnt have any kids at home though.
Life is much easier now. I refuse to live with a useless man. I think its time for you to make some changes.

Rather than seeking emotional support from your mum and not getting it, can you call Samaritans? I've never called personally but can you just unload to.someone there instead?

I take Fluoxetine as well as HRT to manage my horrendous peri anxiety. Would you consider this? As soon as my serotonin levels were normalised, I was able to tackle long-standing problems so much more effectively.
HRT is fantastic but it's not always enough.
Sending you strength, you've got too much on your plate and it's not fair.

You know you need to get divorced OP. Even if you stay living together for a while get that ball moving as it will take ages. Better now than later. I felt like you and walked out of my job a year ago. I thought I’d never return but did, waited it out then left properly when I was ready - just had a couple of weeks off with stress in the end. Everything was too much. It’s taken a year to feel stable. I still feel flat and sad, but my life feels like it’s moving in the right direction for the first time in decades. I think a lot of women reach out age and collapse. There is only so much pressure the nervous system can cope with. Back yourself. Look for another job. Know that they can’t force you out if you’ve done nothing wrong so you’ll only leave when you’re ready. Put every concern in writing. Put in a bullying complaint - get ahead of them - but - also plan your escape. That’s what I did and I’m in a better financial position now than I have been in a long time.

Not saying this appllies to OP but there's a category of women that are so sensitive to hormones that hrt increases the risk of suicide, self harm and serious mental health issues. Strong bones and reduced dementia are not a concern if you end up in the graveyard. Sadly some of us in that category must choose now over the future. Strong words yes but im fed up with the idea that hrt is the ultimate cure all for 100% of women. I dont go on the hrt board at all as any mention of issues with hrt gets you cancelled.

I agree with you. I am one of those women. Scheduled for a hysterectomy now - at least where I live that’s an option. Unfortunately for many women, it is HRT or the high road.

Yeah I know it is an issue for some women, I myself am sensitive to synthetic contraception etc. And definitely not blinkered enough to think HRT is a magic solution for all women.

I thought I should mention it because a lot of women (myself included) don't get told by their GP about the longer term physical benefits of it. I really wish there was a shakeup of women's healthcare, why are some of us having to make such a stark choice as you mention? (Survival now, Vs future heath).

Honestly, I feel exactly the same. Carry all the mental load and housework, husband is useless and I resent him every day, children are struggling at school, have no money and every day is a chore. I think about driving my car into a tree every day just so it can all be over. Every time I hear that Putin wants to nuke us I just think 'Great! Please hurry up and put me out of my misery'. Biggest regret of my life is getting married and having children - if it weren't for them it would be easier to end it all.

Agree and sorry wasn't shouting you down as know how that feels. Medicine is so far behind where it needs to be in relation to female mental and physical health. Its truly shocking in 2026. For many hrt is magic but for those of us that it isn't you've few options as antidepressants etc arent the solution.
Its tough being a 50 something woman as the expectations and assumptions about our life and options dont match reality for some.

I hear ya....and feel the same way.

Work issues, health issues, life just getting on top of me. I want to walk away, but I can't because that's not what we do.

No partner, or anyone to share the load. I can't do it anymore

Sorry that things are so tough.

You need to make a few lists. Get some paper.

List 1: Here and Now. Make a list of LITTLE things you can do to be kind to yourself. e.g. go for a walk while listening to music, sit in your car in peace and drink a cup of tea and read a book, go to some sort of class (art, sport, knitting etc...). Watch a film with your kids. Paint your toe nails. Have a long soak in the bath.

List 2: Stuff that needs doing. So laundry. cleaning bathroom, cooking a meal, fixing something that is broken etc...

List 3: Long term goals. Get rid of the ex. Find time for a new hobby, apply for new job etc...

Tick them off as you do them.

Physically write all the above onto three lists, and tick things off as you do them, particularly on lists 1 and 2. It may seem odd, but it is a very satisfying thing to do when life seems really tough. It's good to have achievable goals, particularly ones that will help you.