Helping 6yo DD navigate friendships

What have the school said about it all, op? Autistic children can experience friendships as very intense, but likewise the children playing with an autistic child may also experience it as too intense. Often, particularly in autistic girls, they will want to control play to make it more predictable for them to cope with social demands. Often, this also means that when another child wants to be included in the 'twosome', the group dynamics are much harder to navigate. This is part of the communication impact seen in otherwise very sociable autistic girls. They make friends, but it's much harder to keep them. So, while your dd isn't behaving deliberately awkwardly, that's exactly how it can be experienced by NT children. Look up the double empathy problem in autistic friendships.

I would ask the school what they've noticed about how your dd plays with others to look for clues. Depending on what school says, perhaps ask them if they have any small social skills groups your child may benefit from. What are your dd's interests and are there any lunchtime or after school clubs that are aligned with the things she likes, so that she's more naturally exposed to other children who share her interests.

Sometimes it's not as simple as saying to an autistic child "just find other friends to play with" for a whole variety of reasons I won't go into here. So your job is to support her in knowing how to do this, giving her social scripts for dealing with unexpected situations in play (like other children wanting to join in) and explaining to her who she can go to for guidance if she's unsure.

You have my sympathies, and I completely understand why you would have wanted to approach the other parent. But I think you should focus on supporting your daughter to navigate the things she finds difficult, via her school, and underatanding more about her interactions with others.

Good posts from @HelpfulHelena and @HeNeedsRehab.

I do think also that some of this is you projecting, OP. You mention several times that you don’t live close to family in an area where it’s the norm, that you’re finding navigating play dates with your DD very different to when you did it with your older child, and finding other parents ‘cold’ or unfriendly. Try to take a step back from that so it doesn’t heighten your sense of your DD being persecuted.

I agree (in part from having two autistic godsons) that one child’s ‘mean’ can be another child”s boundaries, especially with the black and white thinking and rigid ‘rules’ of some ND children.

I remember my older godson going crazy on a play date aged around 7 because the child whose house he was at insisted on his own family rule for some game because that was the only way he’d ever played it, and my godson lost it and accused him of ‘cheating’ because that wasn’t what he’d learned/what it said on the box. His parents had to collect him, and talked to him about other families having different rules in games etc etc, but he fumed for weeks, and kept calling the child a cheat at school, because in his eyes, he’d done something unacceptable.

I really love the one kid’s mean is another kid’s boundaries thing. I’ll try to remember that. This is why it’s useful to get concrete examples of what actually happened when a kid is accused of being ‘mean’.

I don't think covid has changed anything about playdates, though different areas can be different.

It does sound a bit like other dc are not that keen to play with your dd, if you were being totally honest is there a reason that explains that? I have a dd with autism too, and sometimes I had to face the fact that her social skills weren't at the same place as peers. It might be worth having a conversation with her teacher about whether she's being unintentionally unkind, not playing reciprocally or whatever, so you can work on it.

If you're really having no luck with school friends, can you try out if school activities as a different outlet for socialising? Structured activities can go better sometimes.

Agree with others, contacting the other parent was a mistake. ALWAYS deal with it through the school.

We’re coming out the other side of primary now and I’d say you need to remember there are two sides to every story. I have learnt that over the years. Also, one kids ‘mean’ is another kids boundaries. For example your kid might want to play tag but the others are doing dance routines. It’s not ‘mean’ for the other kids not to change their game but the kid who wants to play tag may feel it is.

I always say to mine, you can never have too many friends and I encourage them to play with lots of people when their usual group aren’t working for them.

Ime friendships at that age can become intense, kindly I think you need to work with your daughter to dial down the intensity, difficult if she’s ND but I think you now need to start looking inwards at whether her behaviour (intended or not) is actually the issue.

Finally please don’t stop play dates if they aren’t reciprocated, both of us work FT so play dates are tricky after school, but our DC’s friends parents understand this thankfully!

This would really depend on what the other kid was doing. You’ve said she was ‘being mean’ which could be anything at that age. As others have said, they’re all very young and just working everything out. Six year olds don’t deal with others the way adults (they just don’t have the skills) so they may do things that could be interpreted as ‘mean’ but it’s just them working friendships out.

If she was hitting her, for example, then I would speak to the teacher. If it is something like she was running off to play with other girls when your daughter was trying to play with her, I would tell your daughter to give up and find another classmate to play with. There’s also nothing at all the other mum could do in that scenario. She wouldn’t be able to make her child play with yours.

You’ve mentioned that the other mums are not ‘supportive’. Kindly, neither the parents nor the other kids owe you or your daughter support. They’re all 6 year olds doing this for the first time too.

I think the replies here have been useful and you’ve had some great advice on here to move forward with.

Guide your daughter but dont try to force parents to make their children be friends with her. It wont work. Children should learn to be kind but you cant expect other to sacrifice their happiness for her. Stop inviting children and parents over. Let things happen. Naturally.

This is a tricky situation to be in, it is SO much work sometimes for little reward, but hopefully at some point it will start to pay off or something will work, and your DD will start having more positive social experiences. Its so easy for people to say playdates playdates but these are realistically very hard to arrange if your child hasn’t gelled with anyone yet. Other parents are concerned about their own children at the end of the day, they won’t feel like they owe you anything. What’s worked for us:

• socialising out of school, when she’s not already had to be social for ages/ spend ages with the same people already. Especially if you can find something your dd really enjoys, its easier for them to make friends alongside other children who love the activity, and even if they don’t they’ll have had a good time themselves anyway.
• birthday parties - if you can arrange and afford it, host somewhere really fun, if it’s a positive social experience for everyone they are more likely to suggest another outing together
• I know you said you don’t have family in your area, but does your DD have cousins/ other family kids in reachable distance? Or your own friends do they have children? Doing playdates/ outings with them can help your dd build friendships out of school/ develop her social skills/ just have a nice time.
• work on social skills together to smooth her experience in school. In my experience this is much more useful than pursuing playdates that are not happening. Nurtured First does a friendship course that I found really helpful to do and chat about with my DD. Think about, what does she need to learn next? For example listening, asking questions? How can you make it fun/ into a game? Can you practice at dinner etc? All children can benefit from help with this kind of soft skill, if they can access them.

Never ever go to another parent. Agree with this strongly. My daughter was seriously bullied in P6 and we handled everything through the school. The other parent always stuck up for her kid despite all evidence.

What activities does your daughter do out of school? My daughter is autistic and a dancer so she is super busy and has her dance friends to talk to after school (only at dance though, they aren’t hanging out friends). She has 2-3 school friends for during the day but limited capacity for socialising outside of endless dance classes. Does your daughter seem unhappy? Mine genuinely needs lots of time to herself.

id focus on finding extracurriculars she loves and give her space at school to find a friend without that being the only option.

But you went directly to the parent with your issue.

what I am saying is, don’t ever do that. Leave it for the school to talk to the other child’s parent about whatever is going on. It never ever ends well when you approach the parent directly.

What happened that was 'mean'? Remember you only get one side of things.

Definitely leave any issues to school to monitor. Parents will get defensive, even to staff, so I can imagine another parent questioning their parenting having an even greater negative effect and them jumping to their child's defence.

We never do playdates. So just because parents did at your son's school doesn't mean this school does.
Is the park close? A log of families where I live tend to make impromptu trips to the park after school so maybe just take you daughter and see if anyone else just happens to be there. Fridays are usually popular.

My dd1 is similar to your dd and had the same issues re friendships. We did the reading stories, talking about boundaries in friendships etc. I encouraged her to go to guides which thankfully she loves and she has made friends there. We then arranged playdates with those friends so dd sees them outside of guides and that has increased her confidence. It is hard to see your lovely child reaching out and being rejected.

I don't think you were wrong to speak to the parents of the child that was being mean to her. I did the very same and the parents were defensive but their child was mean to other girls too so the "problem' was with their child not ours.

You made a big mistake - never call the other parent about their dc behaviour. At 6 you’ve no idea what’s really happening at school and you have now permanently black-marked yourself with this other parent who thinks you’re “that mum” who calls if the kids have a squabble.

And “repeated targeting” …really? Please calm down they are only six - they are ALL learning to play and navigate friendships and playground dynamics. They will make a million mistakes; they learn from those mistakes.

You can support dd with friendships without being such a nutcase about it. If your dd is very black and white about things she will probably struggle for the primary years - for example she’s playing with a friend, someone else joins in uninvited and changes all the rules of the game/takes over. Your dd will probably find it hard to navigate that. She is going to have to learn the hard way and if you jump in and save her every time, what is she going to learn?

You can teach her how to interact with others through play at home. Make sure she is comfortable losing at board games, coping with sudden rule changes.

Also practice teaching her to narrate in chronological order. Very few NT or ND children can tell you reliably what happened . They miss bits out and muddle events and fixate on irrelevant detail. Start small - get her to describe back to you how she spent Saturday morning when you get home.

If I could give you one tip, it’s never never ever ever go to the parent with a school issue. Leave it to the school to deal with.

It’s hard if you have an autistic child who struggles, I do understand that (I have 2 now adults with ASD) but the best thing to do is talk to the school

Good luck to your DD

Stop worrying about whether playdates are reciprocated, it's about supporting your dd so it's worthwhile even if they aren't. Also, choose times parents are usually grateful for childcare - an offer to have the dc of working parents for a day during the holidays is rarely turned down I've found. And make it as much fun as you can if they come.

When you contact other parents, text is better than a call as parents can deal with it when it's convenient. Be warm about their dc e.g. "dc has really been enjoying playing with x, would they like to come over to play one day?" Then give specific days and times you could do. If someone doesn't reply, try someone else.

It's honestly a bit thankless, but it can be a big help if your dc is struggling with making friends.

You sound over involved and trying to manipulate kids friendships will never end well.
take a step back from it all.

your poor daughter will end up being teased because of you if you are always meddling