What would you do if your child punched someone in the face at school?

Punching another child in the face is serious. When you say "things like this" do you mean "like this but nothing like as bad" or do you mean this isn't the first tme he's punched another child in the face or similar? Because if it's not the first time then I'm afraid you have (and your DS has) a real problem. Judge by your DS's own behaviour not by what the other children were doing. Maybe he's been mixing with other equally aggressive children and seeing them get away with it too?

He does need some consequences at home as well as the serious conversations. And do look at what's behind it. Could be bullying, self control issue, or entitlement. Even if he was being bullied himself he still needs consequences for choosing that level of aggression as his solution.

How do you force someone to have a conscience?

You can't force him but parents can teach him. His father needs to step up and stop being so passive. He needs to show his disapproval and exert his authority. That's what "consequences" do. Not just "oh well the school are dealing with it". It's his job as a parent and especially as a father and role model. A meeting with the school is a good idea. Your husband needs to come too.

One of the things that your son needs to do is to apologise to the boy he punched. The school may be able to arrange that.

Don't be vague about prison. Don't say "if you carry on like this you will end up in prison". That's catastrophising. If you're going to mention it then be specific: "An adult who punches someone in the face can go to prison. That's how serious punching someone in the face really is. That's why we are <<giving these conseqeunces>> now".

Good luck!

Extra punishment should include compulsory anger management classes, otherwise you risk this behaviour escalating as he heads towards his teens

I wouldnt even try to find out the why at 9. I’d just sanction him consistently. Talk to him about suitable behaviour regularly and model carefully. Dad is wrong. You both know your own child and what will motivate him positively as well. Share this with school and work together. Fast. (Teacher of 24 years).

I haven't read all the replies @DarkSunshine but is it possible he was just trying to stick up for himself? Is he getting a hard time from the other child generally? Just, it seems a bit mean for the other child to have said he was no good at a game and they didn't want him to play anymore - was that like the final straw for your boy or something?

Those are the sorts of things I'd be wondering if it was my kid - what's the background, why did he lose it, what other options did he have? (I'm not saying hitting was his only option, or the right option, btw. Just - why did he go for that option?)

But a 10 year old punching another boy who'd been mean? Doesn't that just... happen? Seems a bit of a leap to start worrying he has no conscience. I can think of plenty of 10 year old boys who punched other kids, and grew up into kind adults with consciences.

Not minimising, not saying good for him (necessarily) - I can see why you're upset and I'd be shocked and upset if one of my kids did this. But I'd want a lot more information before I'd say your son is going to end up in prison for aggravated assault and is therefore clearly a psychopath.

That said, I'd agree that your DH should be taking the lead on how to deal with this - and should have a bit more clarity himself on what he thinks and why. A 10 year old will become a 16 year old and then it's only his father who will be able to deal with it if this sort of thing has become a pattern.

And fwiw, if I was his father, my conversation would be a) why? b) who's the real enemy (i.e. are you angry at school? at this boy? at me?) and c) don't start fights you can't win, and this is a fight - with the school - that the school let you win. What I mean by that is - he's allowed to stick up for himself, but he needs to be smarter about it so the worst consequences don't end up on his doorstep. Appeal to his sense of justice, and show him you're on his side.

Dear OP, I would just like to support your stance and applaud your attitude re: the seriousness of the incident. I agree sanctions at home should clearly be seen to back up the sanctions applied at school. DS should be in no doubt about your dismay and disappointment. I'm in agreement with the posters who suggest a martial arts class. This might be just the thing to, amongst other things, provide a good male role model exemplifying a properly moral & boundaried masculinity in a context of learned self-defence .

Could be a useful / necessary counterbalance to your DH's lazy, idle wetness / abrogation of responsibility re: being a good father to his son?

So: also kick your DH up the arse. Good luck, OP.

Do you have your son's version of what happened? Does it differ from what the school say has happened? You need to get to the bottom of that first, especially if your son disputes what the school are saying. I'm not saying believe your son to the exclusion of all evidence but to keep an open mind. Otherwise there's a 9 year old in trouble at school for something he didn't do and his own parents have so little faith in him they just believe the school.

If he did do it then you need to understand the why.

Missing break times is reasonable but means he won't get the chance to run around/ move his body much during the school day. If you can arrange it, it would probably help him cope better in school if he can do an early morning run around / workout video or something similar before school. May also help him to have an active activity after school. This isn't about punishment but about making the school's punishment one he will be able to manage without getting into more trouble at school.

More useful than punishment will be helping him develop strategies he can use when he's seeing red mist that don't hurt other people (or himself) - strategies that work 'in the moment' and are socially reasonable for him at school. Dialectical behaviour therapy teaches some strategies useful for this - if you can find a suitable for kids book about it, reading it together would be a useful consequence (don't make reading a punishment). If all the DBT stuff is too adult I'd ask the internet about anger management strategies for kids and see what you find that you can share with him.

I would have a conversation with him about egg shell skulls, the age of criminal responsibility and I'd tell him about Mary Bell, Jon Venables and Robert Thompson.

Absolutely you need punishment at home. He’s been a bully in school, you cannot condone that. Let it be a wake up call to you all, before it gets out of control!

If i was the parent of the other child I'd be losing my shit with the Head/ Chair of governors. Losing his breaktime for a violent assault? Seriously?! Why hasn't he been excluded. We had a y5 excluded over a single punch to the face. Their first responsibility is the safety of all the other children. Your OH needs to wake up.

Unless I've missed something, there's no reason to think the OP's son has been a bully. It's just as plausible to claim that the other boy is the bully. (I'm not claiming either btw - just saying there's no evidence of either).

Of course he should have punishment at home too. I honestly get sick of parents who think school should police and sanction their child and what happens at school stays at school. He needs to know you won’t tolerate it.

I completely agree with all of this, except the bit at the end. There is really no reason at all to compare a 9 year old who lost his temper (by the sounds of it) to those children. What he did just isn't even remotely related to what they did, and doesn't set him on a path where that's what he'll do some day without some carefully calibrated intervention. The two things are just totally unrelated.

I do agree, though, about explaining to your son that punching someone in the head could kill them. It may be that that's a proportionate response in some massively unlikely scenario, but he does need to make that judgement call himself, every time, and deal with the consequences, which could include living with killing someone, and spending most of his life in prison.

Yeah, but why does she think that? I don't see any reason for her thinking that from what she's said. I catastrophise. Maybe she's doing the same - "what is the worst possible explanation for what's happened? My son is a psychopath. OK, i need to come to terms with that, as if it's already true."

My point is that, just because his mum has said she's worried he doesn't have a conscience, doesn't mean it's likely he doesn't. It's not "likely a long and serious back story". It might be. But it's just as possible she's upset and catastrophising.

Yeah, he needs an alternative response to solving his problems than punching kids in the face. He needs to learn some different strategies for when people wind him up. Unfortunately, people are always going to wind him up, that's life. But we can't punch people in the face every time some one annoys us.

Yes I do.

If I was the parent of the child who was punched, I’d call the police. That may make your son understand how serious this is. The school should have excluded him

He definitely needs punishment at home as it sounds quite light punishment from the school. I would also look at signing him up for martial arts or boxing. Get some tough (mostly) men to also drill into him how to behave himself. These sports teach strength with discipline and control - which is what he needs.

Perhaps you could also frame it in this light - if YOU attack someone, YOU may be attacked back by someone bigger and stronger than you. YOU would be the one with a criminal record and reducing your own opportunities in the world. If they fall and hit their head on the ground and die YOU are responsible. YOU will end up in prison. Is it worth losing every good thing you have because someone said something you didn't like.

My son would lose anything fun from his bedroom and just be left with books for at least a couple of weeks.
You need to get to the root cause of what’s making him so angry though. That’s not ok behaviour for a a kid of any age and there will 100% be a reason for it.

Why indeed. We could speculate all sorts of things from the OP's information and lack thereof.

Why has she written nothing whatsoever about what her son said when she talked to him?

We only know what she said and what his dad said to her.

Why don't we know what her son said?

As he's average academically he almost certainly has language...

Can he reflect?

Did he say " He was winding me up and deserved it, I'm not sorry."? That might be why the OP thinks he has no conscience, but actually is more likely to be defensive bravado.

It's multiple times more likely the year 5 child has an impulse control issue than a personality disorder, but if he did have a personality disorder it would need specialist intervention - you absolutely cannot remove a personality disorder by grounding the individual and taking away their toys/ tech! Nor can you address an impulse control problem with punishment successfully.

@Darksunshine talk to your child, but more importantly listen to him, then talk to the school - ideally class teacher and senco - about strategy.

He might need a behaviour plan including being aware of sanctions which will be implemented if he is aggressive again, but also needs to urgently include strategies for him to implement instead of hitting.

It's really questionable that you haven't told us what he said - even if it was that he refused to talk or was defensive.

Of course it isn't impossible he's being verbally bullied and lacks the social skills or confidence to deal with it in any way but physically.

Except that she's explicitly said this incident is the worst thing he's done and previous times he's been in trouble school have said it's six of one, half a dozen of the other... so not psychopathic but just stupid/ impulsive.