To not want LDR boyfriend to stay

I have an ND daughter and an ND daughter and I feel your pain.

What would you rather do if neither girl cared either way? That counts.

I think that DD1 is lucky to get a nice whole house to herself and her friends on her birthday and she should compromise on the Friday night if it is going to stress DD2 out. It is perfectly understandable for DD2 to be anxious about leaving and prefer not to have guests that evening. Making that evening calm is going to make settling into Uni much more likely as she isn't going to be expending social energy on DD1's boyfriend. DD1 might think that shouldn't be an issue - I'm sure DD2 would bloody love it if it wasn't too - but DD1 needs o understand that as someone without a disability she is better off than DD2 who has one even if she thinks the treatment is unfair. At 25 DD1 really ought to be able to converse like an adult about this stuff.

Plus it's your house.

I agree with this. DD1 sounds very immature for 25. Time for her to think about others more.

Apologies probably projection on my part. My mother pitted me and siblings against each other all the time. My sister no matter what would always be pandered to over me as she was the youngest. Turned out I was late diagnosed Audhd myself so I felt deeply second best all of my life but it was definitely moreso because of how my mother acted.

It sounds very much as though DD1 has been asked to think about and make allowances for DD2 all her life, but the reverse has never been the case.

You are the boss. You said no. Let her be in a huff. However, i would say your daughter doesnt have to put her sister first .

Pay for dd1 and boyfriend to spend Friday night in a hotel. That will be a treat for them as well as giving dd2 a cosy quiet last night at home.

Why the f should DD2 be first in DD1's life? Thats a disturbing idea.

No, its DD1's birthday. Why should DD2 come first on the elder daughter's birthday?. How often has OP put DD2's wants over DD1? And there a 7 year age difference, when and what exactly for was DD2 expecting her sister to put her first for?

Its the older daughter's birthday, not the younger one.

Because you have one every year and especially once you’re an adult it’s not everyone’s only focus, but you leave for starting college once and it’s a big life step? The answer to your why is really good reasons actually.

I think DD2 needs to get used to not always having her own way. Also it is DD1 birthday it is not about putting DD2 first. It is about putting DD1 first. I would say he can stay.

OP has described DD2's needs, not her wants. I'm sure DD wants to live life free from the restrictions that autism brings. Sometimes it is difficult to recognise autistic traits and peculiarities as needs but that's what they are. It is a disability. I think her sister needs to learn that. It would be better if she didn't have to learn it just as it would be better if DD2 didn't suffer from anxiety/social impairment/ whatever other autistic features she struggles, but life is hard like that isn't it.

This exactly.

How far do you take this "my house, my rules" thing? Does it mean someone can totally disregard all rules of fairness and mortality in now they treat others? Because they own the property? Money talks?

What exactly is DD2 uncomfortable about - is she able to pinpoint it? Is it boyfriend appearing in the kitchen in shorts and a t-shirt? Or using the bathroom when she needs to?. Or do the have audible sex that embarrases her? Etc etc etc.

What I am thinking is that it may be beneficial to get clarity on this, so that potentially compromises can be made so that everyone can feel ok? So it doesn't have to be one daughter feeling ok or the other one - maybe both can feel ok, if as a family you can get to the bottoms of what feels uncomfortable about him stayong?

If this doesn't work, I would probably favour DD1's wishes to have him stay in this instance. It's her birthday and you will be spending most of it helping your youngest. Totally understandable and not your fault, but still, this would be a nice gesture .

But as I said, if he and DD1 can adjust their habits slightly to make DD2 more comfortable with his presence, then everyone's a winner.

this is a tough one. you are basically caught between a rock and a hard place. as a mother to 2 ND girls ( ages 18 and 29) I do somewhat understand how hard it is. your youngest child will be anxious and maybe even overwhelmed at moving out to go to uni,.it's a big change in her normal routine ( my youngest daughter is also starting uni but luckily for her and me she will commute every day as it is only 25 mins away on the train and she did summer school at the uni so is familiar with where she is going and what to expect) your eldest daughter is also a adult and it's her home too so it's not unreasonable for her to want her Boyfriend stay over for the entirety of her birthday. it's her 1st birthday with him and there relationship is still in that honeymoon phase. so maybe a compromise could be to talk to both girls together as a family and find a solution that work for everyone.

Because DD1 is 25 and has a birthday every year. DD2 is 18 and will only go away to uni once? And because she has additional needs.

That may not be ‘fair’, but then life hasn’t been fair to DD by giving her additional needs when DD1 has none.

I am AuDHD. I would never dream of preventing my sister from having her SO over. Yes, I'm minorly uncomfortable about having someone I dont know in the house, but its her home too! Its important to learn how to manage reasonable expectations as someone with Autism. Life can't always conform to what you WANT.

I agree with this.

Even without the ND/MH.
Dd1 birthday is the Saturday not the Friday.
Dd2 deserves a last night at home before uni.

You can't force DD1 to care about DD2 if she never has. You're certainly within your rights to tell her the party starts on Saturday and say no to a Friday overnight guest (I'm assuming both DDs clear overnight guests with you under normal circumstances rather than just inviting them). BUT don't be surprised if DD1 then stays away Friday night and Saturday morning, resulting in even more upset for DD2. Is there any way you can "bargain" with DD2 saying that her boyfriend can arrive late Friday evening on condition that he's quiet and discreet and they both have breakfast with DD2 and are reasonably nice to her for an hour or so given that it's her last day home/going away to uni is a big deal for her?

Being Autistic obviously doesn't mean all wants are needs. The fact is we don't know whether this is a want or a need, because we haven't met the young woman and don't have enough information to assess the situation meaningfully.

Just as Autistic children are still children, capable in most cases of cheekiness or mischief as well as having needs specific to autism, and not incarnations of pure unadulterated autistic need, this young woman will have wants which are just wants, as well as having needs specific to her autistic traits.

I would suspect it's actually quite abelist to assert that because a teenaged stranger described by a third party on an internet forum is Autistic, anything she might ask for is by definition an autistic need, not a wish or want.

It's not anything she wants is it. It's being able to avoid an extra social demand at a time when she needs her energy for upcoming social demands including that of saying goodbye to her mother for an extended period as well as starting university. Autism is a social disorder so without any specific information it is completely reasonable and fair to suggest that is a need not a want.

It is very ableist indeed to describe all an autistic person's requests as wants rather than needs. Obviously they won't all be needs but when it comes to social interactions, those requests tend to be needs because that is what autism affects. It is not ableist to say that, it is recognising autism as a disability with characteristic features.

Shagging your boyfriend on your birthday morning rather than the next evening probably isn't a need for anyone, disabled or otherwise, though.

The OP wrote "tbh I think she really just wants DD1 to put her first".

No ring, no bring. Easy.