AIBU to ask the teacher to support my other twin?

I think OP has already agreed that asking for an award is not the best route. I agree with the previous posters saying to have a conversation with the teacher about self esteem and confidence. As a teacher, I’d want to know if one of my children was feeling low and insecure.

I think it’s absolutely fair enough to speak to the teacher about twin2’s confidence and to ask what they can do to better their chances.

that’s not the same as asking for favours.

The quieter twin often can get missed out and the constant direct comparison every day can be really difficult and does need managing, especially when separate classes isn’t an option.

I also have ID twins and this is one of the hardest parts. My girls are 7. Their view is that everything must be fair. Twin 2 is currently not happy because twin 1 has more keyrings on her bag.

I think boy/girl twins are different in this respect because they naturally have different hobbies/interests/friends.

So instead of being based on ability or how keen the student is, they should be given to the ones who's parents beg? Come on, Y5 is too old for that and it's unfair on the more able/keen kids who don't have helicopter parents.

I'm a primary teacher.

I wouldn't approach it as asking twin 2 to be chosen for something but raise the disparity with her and say you're concerned about the impact it's having on his self esteem. Just have a conversation.

There are lots of things his teacher can do to support him and increase his confidence without it being unfair on the other children or rigging class votes etc. She may also have some suggestions for you along the lines of finding something he excels or is passionate about himself.

The solution is to raise his confidence generally not to just make things equal.

I’ve got a different consideration here: I think this would be unreasonable to the rest of the class. There was a mother of a boy in one of my kid’s class who would always be at the door asking for her son to be chosen for things because he’d been upset eg. He was crying when he found out what his costume for the nativity would be- could he have one of the main parts instead so he’s not upset? He’s been upset about not being chosen to do the art project- could he also do it? (About something where 2 kids from 30 were chosen).

She seemed oblivious that the rest of us were also often dealing with disappointed or upset kids but we didn’t think to go to the school to ‘fix it’. The teachers often gave up and just let this kid have/ do everything as they prob couldn’t face the mum going on otherwise. But this meant that other kids (with less pushy parents) will have missed out.

I'd probably do this, and also try to find something for each twin that is just theirs (eg one does football, one does trumpet. Or similar). Something DC2 is really keen on.

What if twin 2 wasn’t the “runner up”? Should they skip over that child so that twin 2 gets it rather than twin 1?

The OP has said the school is handing out various roles this term. There iss no suggestion that all roles are decided via a vote.

How though? If they are subjective prizes based on a vote, do you want her to fiddle the results? Or make up a new prize just for him? What about the other kids in the class? If it becomes a prizes for everyone arrangement, then all are pointless.

A number of people seem to be suggesting putting them in different classes. I don’t know what part of ‘there’s only one class’ is hard to understand? Not all schools have more than 30 in a year group, so all children of the same age are in the same class for 7 years. In some areas (mostly rural) all schools will be like this, so there may not even have been a choice of a different school with 2+ classes.

I’m twin 2. Do it.

I would contact the teacher and flag the issue. For roles/awards where the teacher selects the winner, there's presumably an element of subjectivity in the selection procedure anyway. Obviously, it won't do much good if T2 gets an award where he's clearly not the most deserving candidate (eg "best footballer" if there are clearly others who are better at football). But presumably there will be some roles/awards where it's not obvious who should get it and T2 would be a deserving candidate.

I taught twins who had this problem Twin 1 was sparkier than twin 2 and was always the noticeable one. We separated them and put twin 1 into the parallel class. Obviously this is not possible for you but I'm sure the teacher will try to find areas for him to shine if you bring it to her attention. Although I'm a little surprised she hasn't noticed.
If possible I would always suggest twins were put into separate classes to allow them to be their own person.

It’s happening outside of school though too so I would maybe look for something that twin2 wants to do were they could excel away from twin1! There is nothing worse than being “the twins” kind of seen as one!

Separate classes ASAP.

as a twin myself, it would be much better to teach your twins to celebrate each others wins rather than ask for a pity award to make one feel better. my twin was always smarter than me but it taught me to feel happy for her, work hard and find my own wins. Now we're in completely different industries and succeeding in our own ways. In my opinion, your kids are too old to beg a teacher to hand over a pity prize because your child is upset

They should be in seperate classes. Pretty much all twin advice stresses the importance of this. Have they been in the same class their entire school career?

You can't ask the teacher for special treatment for twin 2. You wouldn't for your other child if it were another student winning stuff.

Get them in seperate clubs/ aftershock sports etc. Individual playdates. Build twin 2s own identity instead of them seeing themselves as a lesser twin1.

@Hummingbird233 I voted YABU but only because I also have twins. My twins are non-ID, and are like chalk and cheese.

They're now in Y6 and although there is only 1 primary class so I cannot separate them, they are very much two individuals who do well at totally different things. DS is an amazing artist, brilliant at maths, and loves reading/English. He struggles with social skills. DD is bright but not so keen on academic stuff, but is very sociable, and likes drama, dance and music.

I have had to fight hard to make sure they are seen as individuals.

Personally I'd let your twin 2 find their "thing" that they excel at and help them get noticed purely by talent, rather than asking for recognition.

MNers do tend to drop the word “resilience” in for everything, but with schools very little is purely objective in terms of who gets to do what, and resilience doesn’t grow but inexplicably being overlooked every time (not saying this is what is happening here, but in some cases it is).

Resilience can grow by sometimes being disappointed but also being able to see one’s own talents and abilities clearly, and kids need adults to help them see their own strengths.

I think you can let the teacher know your observations and concerns, but leave her/ him to decide how to address them/ support twin2. I wouldn’t ask that he be given one of the roles because the teacher will have numerous children in the class who could also do with a boost by being given a role, even if they aren’t a twin.

Plus you have kids who are already confident but may well be the best suited for the role!

I would let her know your concerns but let her use her judgment as to how to address them.