Financial support

I take them with a pinch of salt if im honest, I don’t know any adults that are funded by their parents, my own mum has never given me any money as an adult she wouldn’t even pay for a coffee never mind dinner. Birthdays I get a nightie or dressing gown, no cash. Shes well off so it’s not that. I don’t believe most of the ones I read.

My dad supported me whilst at university. Paid the uni fees, rent and gave me pocket money up until I was done. He even paid my phone bill. I got him to stop the phone payments about a yr before uni ended (I paid using my pocket money) and to stop everything else soon as I got a job. Massively beneficial as didnt need to work whilst studying, could just focus on degree and had no student loans. My parents helped towards all us kids getting married and I also have a generous FIL. Me and DH take none of it for granted and it hasn't impacted our drive or ambition. Well aware of our privilege and understand that our experience is likely different to the majority. We had no expectations of help as adults.

I have paid for my kids expensive hobbies, private school, then I’m currently funding them through uni (ensuring they have no loans) and when they leave uni we’ll have paid the mortgage off too and will probably have at least £5-6k more a month than we do now. We loathe frittering money away, the kids already have a house deposit via inheritance, why not give them £1k a month each if you want to? It’s better than leaving it in a back account for inheritance tax to take a large bite out of it later.

My kids all had different kinds of support; one lived at home after uni for free whilst she looked for a job, one had a masters fees paid and one received money at uni as the fees had gone up massively by then.
I couldn’t afford more at the time. They already have long term partners and mortgages. I have recently received a large inheritance and will give them a large lump sum each as I can afford it now. I always wished I could have done more.

I think it sounds like you just had different financial priorities.

My parents didn’t take us on overseas trips and compared to my peers, we didn’t do as many expensive experiences etc. However, we were supported through university, first car was bought (reliable used car), received contributions to weddings, received house deposits - my parents saw the value in spending their money this way and my siblings and I tend to follow this example.

At times as a kid I was really envious of friends as they flew off somewhere amazing or received brand new tech etc but now I see the long term plan my parents had and appreciate the help far more as an adult than I would’ve as a child.

Different people have different perspectives though and I don’t necessarily think there’s a universally agreed approach that is best. I do think your children are out of order for expecting help from you - especially the one working part time in a low paid job. It’s totally fine (and respectable) to work that job, but you can’t expect others to fund your life choices. If she wants more then she needs to do more.

Your already pointed out and queried that your DD is making similar choices to you. She could always choose differently for her kids but she’s not. Maybe they will resent that. Maybe she’s banking on inheritances from in laws later on? She’s also comparing help from a single parent to her in-laws? Does she get anything from her dad?

I agree to an extent. I think the difference is that the rich families can accept money from parents, even if they don’t need it without shame because their parents can afford to give it freely.

Whereas if we were to take money from our parents who have little, we’d know that they had made a huge sacrifice and gone without themselves to give it. So we’d only accept it if we were desperate. I could never take money from my DM because she’d literally have to go without basics (ie food, or turn her heating off) to give it.

I explained why I mentioned inheritances, that’s where a lot of “extra” money comes from!

You are very bitter 😆😆😆

This!

Mine are not yet at Uni but I plan to support them financially when they are, so that’s 7 final years of being skint. They are aware that’s all we can do for them. They’ll always have a bed at ours so will never be homeless. The rest is their’s to sort. Any spare money after this time will be saved for our retirement.

It's what I said in the original comment I made about it before all the spoiled rich lot started jumping on me

You've done more than enough. You need to take what you read on MN with a pinch of salt. Someone is more likely to post a brag about how much they help their adult DC than post to say they don't do anything.
I don't know anyone who's having their mortgage paid by their parents. I know very few people who could afford it even if they went without any luxuries.

That’s not what you said above - you said it’s shameful to accept money you don’t need from people who can use it themselve

I said ID find it embarrassing. Asbi pointed out earlier it's the rich that seem to be able to accept handouts without shame. Not those of us brought up to pay out own way

Why are you still rambling on about bloody inheritance. I never said a word about that you brought it up

It's shameful to ponce/ accept money that you don't need GROM LIVING PEOPLE WHO CAN USE IT THEMSELVES if that makes things bloody clearer to you and stops you rambling on about inheritances

@Timeforachange26 i don’t understand why you think it’s shameful to accept money you don’t need?
we give ds money - he and his partner have a joint income of around £140k I’m guessing - he’s our son why wouldn’t we want to treat him?

I would not believe everything you read to be honest. If my own mother was on here she would tell you shes basically bankrolled me my whole life and practically raised my kid. Shes done neither, quite the opposite in fact but in her delulu mind shes a saint, a scholar and a financier. Never worked a day in her life and inherited the house she lives in but we never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

So if you don’t “need” an inheritance you shouldn’t accept it because that’s shameful? I think that a bizarre way of thinking. And how do you quantify need?

My gps lived till their 90s so my parents were already mortgage free, retired, etc so they didn’t have much use for the money.

My parents made very sensible decisions - they didn’t spend masses on days out / gifts / eating out / holidays when we were growing up, but they have been able to give us help for deposits, uni costs and now home renovations.

We don’t need this money anymore - but it’s making a huge difference to our overall quality of
life to have it. It’s also meant that I’ve always known there was a safety net if I needed it. To leave a relationship. To leave a job. To take a few risks when I was younger and to say ‘yes’ to some amazing opportunities. Things I could not have done if I had to be completely driven to earn enough for the bills with no back up plan available.

We are doing the same for our kids - we prioritise saving for the future so don’t spend everything on days out & holidays so we can give them help for the big things when they need it.

The shameful thing is accepting money you don't need . But if you have rich parents then maybe it's different.

Sounds like your parents weren't exactly badly off getting inheritance they didn't need and could just pass on.

My parents never inherited a penny from grandparents. Everything they had they worked for themselves. We were brought up in the same vein