Not wanting my messy hoarder husband to work from home?

Your poor son. This is a neglect issue and someone needs to refer to ss. Hopefully someone you know will.

His desire to WFH is pretty far down the list of issues, but since you seem to be feeling uncertain, anxious, and perhaps guilty about putting your foot down: DON'T BE! Even if the hoarding situation didn't exist he shouldn't be applying for a WFH job, even hybrid, without a dedicated workspace prepared and available.

I'm not saying this to chide you/him or be normative; it's from long experience of telecommuting and managing telecommuters both experienced and new. When sharing a household with others, working out of a partial space can work for a short time period if needed, especially in a situation like COVID where privacy, confidentiality, and safety standards are temporarily set aside for an emergency and everyone's in the same boat. But now things are back to "normal" and he'll need a dedicated space that, if not private, can be separated from the rest of the house during his working hours. Be aware too that many companies that allow telecommuting now require the employee to sign a contract certifying that the workspace meets specific safety and privacy standards in addition to being properly connected via a secure network. They may actually come in and inspect the space, or they may ask for a video tour. They can do this periodically, not just at the beginning of employment.

If he is determined to take this job (if offered), can you use this to get him to agree to a full clear-out of the house, with the goal of getting your son back in his own room and getting a suitable space set up for work? (I would guess this would require professional help.) If he's balking about losing his 'treasures', perhaps the plan should be to put everything that's not used in a self-storage space? It's an expense, but if you can afford it it's a lot less painful than the way you're living now.

Sorry to be harsh OP but this is a you problem as well as a him problem. You are choosing to keep living with him whilst he is like this - to the detriment of your own son. You should choose your son. Tell him if he wants to work from home the two bedrooms get cleared. He gets one and there needs to be no mess outside of that room. Or just leave now.

As pp have already said get a skip and put all the rubbish in it. If you can't afford a skip then every week take a car full to the tip. Start with one of the bedrooms for your son and wherever the boiler is. If your OP wants to fester in his own hoard he can, somewhere else. You have an 11 year old who is living in conditions that the majority of his friends won't be living in. That's really not good.

OP the feedback is pretty unanimous. Not only are people saying you would not be unreasonable to say ‘no’ to him and state boundaries around what you are willing to accept, but also that it would be neglectful to your son not to.

Hows that sitting with you?

Please don’t feel any guilt. It’s hard to see the wood for the trees when you live with someone so manipulative. I hope thinking about from the point of view of your child will give you more ooomph to put your foot down. We often find it easier to find the right when it’s for our kids.

This - This is neglect, your poor DS to be brought up in this environment, he needs his own bedroom, atm he can't have any friends round. You get rid of the rubbish out of one of the bedrooms and make a decent bedroom for your DS. Your DH can put all his rubbish in the 3rd bedroom and not on the dining room table.
I would not put up with that.

Your husband's crap needs to go because it's compromising your son's quality of life to a point where Social Services would be very interested in the lack of privacy, hygiene and level of fire hazard. This is neglect because your son's needs are not being met.

The grim reality is that faced with your son or the hoard, your husband is far more likely to choose the hoard.

DM is a hoarder, no doubt triggered by being a bombed out war child raised with "waste not want not". It's taken me long into adulthood to learn how to let go of things effectively because I wasn't taught or encouraged to as a child. The house was cluttery but clean and functional through my childhood, but has deteriorated into DM's old age leaving her trapped in an unsuitable house with hazards like threadbare carpets. It's a biohazard as she can't smell the cat shit and urine which is no doubt responsible for the persistant cough she's had for years that medics can't explain because they don't realise that she lives in a literal shit pit. She doesn't see the problem so we're powerless to do anything about it. It's only her life that she's really ruining although it is a hinderence in family relationships because who would want to visit somewhere that stinks like a dilapidated public toilet.

Hoarding disorder damages health and relationships.

Sort Your Life Out tries to swerve people with hoarding disorder; they deal with people overwhelmed by life circumstances that allows clutter to build up. That's very different to people addicted to aquiring and retaining stuff and valuing it over their relationships and living conditions.

Trying to deal with hoarding disorder by throwing their stuff out is like trying to cure alcoholism by binning the empty bottles. It's a serious, stubborn mental health disorder.

You should have SS involvement. You do know that your son will be off and never look back? It's up to you to protect him. Your DH has a severe MH issue. There needs to be ultimatums. You are both abusing your son via severe negligent. I hope he finds the strength to speak to a teacher. It's the wake up call you need.

This is child neglect.
your poor son needs his own bedroom, and clean bath/shower facilities. As a bare minimum.
the poor guy. What all this must be doing to him. This is no way to live. You are facilitating your husband instead of standing up for your son.
I think you and your son should leave ?
or you get a skip and throw out everything and get plumbers and cleaners in.

I’m no clean freak but couldn’t live like this. Has he always been a hoarder? There must have been clues.
I would probably end up resenting him and his piles of junk all over my home and either skip the lot while he was out, or just separate.

I don’t think OP will be back.

I’m married to the worst hoarder.. he has an office at home. Anything he hoards I just shove in his office. He can’t even get in there now so he’s lost his office. Now I’m starting to worry!

It doesn’t look like it, let’s hope the responses have been a wake up call and she is taking immediate action.

What is it that you're worried about?

I just used our life savings to buy a small flat elsewhere that I have complete control of- so when the mess becomes too much I just go there, everything is tidy and works.

Worried his hoard will seep out into the rest of the house!

Yep! Spot on, that poor boy!

Wish I knew you and your H as you’d be reported to ss