Not wanting my messy hoarder husband to work from home?

Oh God that’s terrible.

I don’t think you should have to live like that, but I am certain that your son shouldn’t have to live like that.

Your husband’s reaction shows that he is much more afraid of losing his hoard than of damaging his son or destroying your relationship.

Is it him that brings up that he supported you with other jobs? What did that support involve?

Im afraid I think this job is a red herring. But I guess at least it could be a decision point.

Your poor child. How can you raise him in such an environment? Sorry but this is neglect. Your husband working from home is not the issue you need to be focusing on here.

So you have a 3 bed house. Are you expecting your soon to be teenager to continue sharing your one accessible bedroom, with his parents?

Quite frankly I would chuck it all away. If your DH doesnt like it then he can go and rent his own home and live how he likes. Its unacceptable that your son is sleeping in your bedroom and you have no functioning bathroom.

If you can afford it. Hire a removals company and get them to remove it all to storage. Where it will sit for years but at least not in the house.
Or just hire a skip and fill it.
Or a combination of the two.
He will go mad but when he’s finished going mad he can decide to either not let things build up again or live elsewhere.
I have a DH with minor hoarding tendencies, as he doesn’t buy much or have many things but he does hang on to things forever. I just chuck a selection in the wheelie bin on bin day and generally he doesn’t notice.

Your 11 year old son should not have to be sharing a room with his parents because there are no other useable rooms. And he should, obviously, not be living in a mouldy house and washing in a bucket. You need to take steps to either sort out the house (by throwing away everything you can) or leave your husband and take your son with you. This is no childhood for him.

you cannot normalise this. it’s not normal.
you cannot live without proper sanitation. it’s unhygienic. especially for your child. if social work saw this theyd be questioning if it’s safe for dc to stay there.

unfortunately dh is so deep in his hoarding he doesnt realise it’s gone too far. two bedrooms full of crap is two bedrooms too much. something needs to change. and it will be up to you to make it happen. youve got your work cut out.

Social services would have a field day if it was reported!

Op, you need to advocate for your son. He should not be sharing with his parents and he should have access to suitable washing facilities. I couldnt live like that. I would seriously consider moving out/separating.

Or he agrees it all goes into a storage unit and he pays for it.

You are allowing your child to grow up in an abusive environment. You need to get out and sort out a proper environment in which to raise your son including sanitary facilities and his own bedroom. Ffs.

I think you need to start putting yourself and son first. This is no way to live, and is neglect. Your poor son can’t have friends over, have privacy or even a proper bath/shower. Think what this must be doing to his and your mental health. Is your husband pursuing any kind of help for the hoarding?

I think you need to separate for the benefit of your son and either husband moves out or you and son do. If you still love your husband and want a relationship then continue with one but live separately.

No, it's not up to him. He is risking your and your child's health - mental and physical as well as putting you both in danger. A house like this if you had a fire is absolute death trap.

He needs help. No, you can't force people to get help for their mental health but you can either move out or ask him to leave.

My god. That is worse than being a hoarder.

bucket baths??? Get a plumber in ASAP.

You and your ds are suffering because of your h.

I’d clear out both the bedrooms so your ds has a room of his own, get someone in to fix everything that needs to be fixed. If your h can’t cope then he will have to move out.

You need to be really firm here. His mental disorder does not get to take over your life.

WFH or not I couldn’t live with someone like this. These TV programmes showing hoarders and how they live makes me panicky

Sorry OP but you absolutely cannot continue living like this and - more important - you cannot let your son live like this.

This is not a cute quirk. This is child neglect. Do either you or your son ever have friends visit you at home? Do your son's friends know he sleeps with his parents and doesn't have a room? Does his school?

The job is the least of your worries. I think you must be like a frog in boiling water - you haven't realised how bad your home is and how completely awful this is for your son. your husband isn't going to do anything. you must.

This, I’d be hiring a skip and the lot would be in the bin. OCD and trauma do not give anyone an excuse to condemn other people including a child to living in unsanitary and squalid conditions.

Do better for your son OP

I don’t understand how you allowed your dh to store things in your son’s bedroom? Was that not a red line?

This sounds so difficult OP. Maybe this organision could be if help. By the way you're taling about him WFH as being the problem you've normalised an already extreme situation which is understandable but please listen to posters and act for your son.
https://www.hoardinguk.org/support/services/

OP, I had to comment. This was my exact situation as a child. Myself and my 2 brothers grew up with this happen to us. My parents were awful hoarders (my Dad still is unfortunately and my Mum has passed away) We didn't have heating or hot water in the house from when I was about 11 as when the boiler broke one year they knew they couldn't invite workmen in to fix it, it was dirty, damp and we had constant coughs and colds. Most rooms were inaccessible/unusable. As I grew into my teenage years and realised this was not a normal way to live I was so deeply distressed and embarrassed by it. I had to shower in the leisure centre, could never invite friends round to our house. I couldn't confide in anyone as I lived in fear of social services finding out and our family being split up. (Although looking back as an adult now I sometimes wish they had!) One of my brothers has a severe disability also which made the situation even worse. Please please please do something for your child and get him out of this situation.

When someone has a partner with an addiction, the advice is always "leave". Why is it different in this case?
That's no way to live, OP.

OP now is the time for action. You leave with your child who will be miserable living like this. Once you have left you tell your husband you will consider returning only once he has got help and done something about the state of the house. You cannot do anything else and you have to take big action for him to even begin to see that things have gone too far. Get out and protect your son. If he does nothing then file for a divorce. It is a mental illness and it’s very hard to treat but if he is willing then you might get somewhere. But you now need to put your son first and leave as soon as possible. Otherwise he will never accept there is anything wrong.

That sounds awful & I’m amazed he is organised enough to even get a job. I could not live like that. It’s unfair on DS that he has no bedroom (despite you having one child in a 3-bed house). I think you need to separate and get DS out of there. How do you even keep clothes clean?

I think the least of your problems is your dh wfh.

Your child is being neglected. Its awful

As the daughter of hoarders, please leave and take your son.
Your son deserves a bedroom, running hot water, no mold, and a chance to learn how to keep a home.
At this age especially, he needs privacy.

What do you think will happen when you launch your son, and he has never seen what systems are needed to keep a home running?
How does he learn cleaning schedules, routines, cleanliness standards?

I struggled terribly, for years, after leaving home because I never got shown how it should be done.
Please don't do that to your son

This op. I grew up in a dirty hoard too. It ruined me. You need to get him OUT

Sending love to all those who grew up like this and suffered the damage as a result.

Take heed @Floogal

Don’t try and minimise and say this isn’t effecting your son. It is.